Last week I featured a guest post from Early Mama reader Chaunie — recap: she was frustrated about the angry comments on my CNN.com piece toward unplanned pregnancies — and I said I would add my own opinions for Parenting Magazine. So I did.

“There are smart, educated, careful young women who get pregnant. It happened to me, it happened to Chaunie — it happens. And when it comes down to it, does it really matter why?

Yet whether it was an accident, ambivalence, or a careless mistake, it’s always the woman’s fault. She allowed herself to get pregnant. She couldn’t keep her legs closed — as one commenter judged. And instead of expressing compassion and support for this very difficult situation that any sexually active person could wind up in, there’s contempt and shame.”

Read the full post at Parenting.com.

Unplanned pregnancy can be terribly, gut-wrenchingly scary, and I wouldn’t wish my darkest moments on anyone — even the jerks who turned up their noses and scoffed at my stupidity. How could I allow myself to get pregnant? As if sex doesn’t inherently come with a pregnancy risk, even with protection. As if there are certain educated pockets of the population immune to accidents. As if they’ve never nervously stood in line at the drugstore with a box of Reese’s Pieces covering their First Response pregnancy test that, luckily, turned out to be negative.

In retrospect, unplanned pregnancy can be a beautifully unexpected change — not necessarily a life sentence of poverty and government assistance. It’s made me a more compassionate and tolerant person with more self-awareness than ever before. Plus, it brought this little boy into our lives…

But it’s met with criticism and scowls. A finger wagging in our faces, long before they know our story.

(And we don’t all have the same story.)

It’s easier to lump people into neat little categories — it makes us feel in control, as people. But to the young woman who recently stared at a positive pregnancy test in disbelief, I don’t think you’re stupid. Or unworthy of support. Or a lesser person.

I think you’re scared and embarrassed. I think you cry a lot — maybe alone in the shower, like I used to. I think you need to feel encouraged and loved, not shamed. I think you need to be told the truth: You’ll be happy.

It’s one thing to discourage unplanned pregnancies — if only for the health risks and mental turmoil — but once she’s with child? Damn, you guys. The rudeness and Holier-Than-Thou judgements are 100% hurtful and 0% productive.

I only wish more people saw the humanity through the stereotype, mustering up compassion before contempt. And maybe before they rolled their eyes or whispered the “guess who got knocked up” news to the hungry-eyed gossiper, they could stop — just for a moment — and think I could be her.

Because they totally could.

And then they’d understand.

My friend Vanessa is back with another baby product that you probably don’t know about but should. Because if you don’t have friends and family to tell you about the new stuff on the market, then you just might miss out on some cool finds.

If your newborn/infant has difficulty staying asleep, here’s where your ears should perk up. The Zen Swaddle is the first weighted swaddle blanket to help mimic mama’s embrace, making it totally unique to the typical swaddle blankets on your gift registry. Check out Vanessa’s full review:

For more about the Zen Swaddle, check out Nested Bean. And make sure you swing by Nessa Knows Best for even more baby product reviews.

Also: read all about Vanessa’s “early mama” story.

I know I’ve said this before, but I’m always blown away by the emails you guys send. It’s rarely just a “hey girl, awesome blog” — but rather, paragraphs and paragraphs of deep thoughts and life stories. And I read every word.

Your emails are a consistent reminder that A) you guys are smart and articulate, B) the topic of this site is meaningful enough for you to take so much time out of your day to write, and C) you all have stories to tell.

So I’m starting a new series here on Early Mama.

It’s tough to churn out enough Q+As and Early Mama spotlight posts, so I’ll additionally be opening up my inbox on the blog (with your permission, of course). Because you should be heard.

Let’s kick this off with an email I recently got about the CNN article:

Read more

So CNN picked up one of the pieces I wrote for Parenting.com, which is awesome. It’s the one I wrote in response to the many media outlets labeling the unprecedented number of unmarried 20-something moms a dangerous epidemic, equating it with the horror that is teen pregnancy. And, as expected, the comments started rolling in about how irresponsible and life-ruining it is to be a young, unmarried mother — how we force taxpayers to carry the burden of our mistakes, and how “unfair” it is to the child. The lack of a marriage certificate is a slippery slope to the welfare office, folks.  AND THIS IS FACT.

I actually welcome these kinds of comments because it reminds me how ignorant and hurtful people can be, and it puts me right back in my 22-year-old shoes: pregnant, without a ring on my finger, thinking that my life was over.

Well my friend Chaunie from Tiny Blue Lines — a young-mom advocate and OB nurse — instantly sent me an email responding to a certain (consistent) comment that irked her. And it irked me too. I’ll be responding to it on Parenting.com this week, but until then, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the topic.

Take it away, Chaunie….

***

As I read Michelle’s piece, “Are 20-something unwed mothers the new teen moms?” on CNN today, one thing in particular struck me in the blast of comments that followed.

Everyone blames the mother.

I got it all the time when I was pregnant. (I had an unexpected pregnancy with my committed boyfriend of four years during my senior year of college.) One woman, a close friend of mine even, chided me gently over lunch one day:

“I just don’t understand how in this day and age, with all the birth control options out there, women allow themselves to get pregnant,” she said.

If only it were that easy.

I would like to know how everyone thinks it’s such an easy equation. As if 1 + 1 can automatically not equal baby if you’re careful enough. Like the commenter (ironically, titled Mr. Rational Thought) who said, “It is simple to plan on having children.”

The truth is you can do everything to prevent an unplanned pregnancy. You can be on birth control, and use a condom and spermicide. You can use a diaphragm and use the pull out and pray method. You can even, in some cases I’ve seen as an OB nurse, have a vasectomy and a tubal ligation.

But you can still get pregnant.

We’ve all seen Jurassic Park, haven’t way? Nature always finds a way. It’s kind of important to our survival as a human race, so why do we act so shocked when it happens?

I just don’t understand what point or purpose it serves for us to go around blaming women for “letting” themselves get pregnant. First of all, isn’t it a woman’s right to choose what kind of birth control she wants to use? Second of all, it’s not exactly like she did the deed alone — why is it her fault? We’ve come a long way since demanding that sex if for procreation only, so do we really expect women to focus on having sex every single time with the sole purpose of baby making?

Call me crazy, but I just don’t think it’s anyone else’s business what kind of birth control I choose to use. The birth control is not the point. The point is that pregnancy happens, in planned and unplanned circumstances, in loving and unloving ways, in protected or unprotected methods.

And it’s time — instead of constantly blaming and berating women for “letting” themselves get pregnant and expecting the rest of the world to pick up the pieces — that we acknowledge that unplanned pregnancy does happen. That it’s not always a horrible, end-of-the-world moment when she’s going to immediately run to the nearest welfare office and milk the system for the rest of her life.

Maybe, just maybe, if we stopped criticizing women and demanding that we plan babies to happen in just the right circumstances, with just the right color eyes, with just the right amount of bank accounts, something unexpected could happen.

We could stop pointing fingers at who is more “irresponsible” and start building up better communities, schools, and workplaces to support mothers, fathers, and families.

How’s that for planning?

Yesterday, while driving home from some after-gymnastics ice cream, there was a sudden stillness in the car — so much that I was sure he had fallen asleep. I briefly turned my head, expecting to see his eyes closed, face relaxed, tiny hands clasped in his lap — the way I’ve seen him look hundreds of times from my front-seat view.

Except he was looking straight at me — alert.

“Who made your body?” he suddenly asked.

“Well my body was made inside of my mommy’s, your grandma’s, belly.”

I thought he might take the conversation to an other-worldly place, but he simply responded:

“She made you beautiful.”

I glanced back at him and saw his head cocked to the side, staring lovingly. Admiring me. And somehow my heart exploded while melting — which this boy has a knack for. He knows exactly how to turn me into a bubbling puddle of star-struck love. I was also slightly taken aback because I had this quote in my head all day:

“You never forget a beautiful thing that you have made.”

The original quote is about food, but my friend (and fellow “early mama”) Lacy Stroessner of Living On Love always thought it was a beautiful sentiment for mothers. So she teamed up with the woman behind Hello Cheeseburger to create this limited-edition print for Mother’s Day.

But this print goes one step further: Half of the proceeds will be donated to the Edna Adan University Hospital in Somaliland — an East African region with one of the highest infant and maternal mortality rates in the world. The statistics are staggering — 1 in 8 Somali babies will die within the first 12 months, and nearly 4,000 Somali mothers die in childbirth each year — but this hospital is determined to reduce these tragic rates. And buying this print is something we can do to help.

(Buy the print from Lacy’s online store. It costs $30, free shipping here in the US, and it’ll show up by Mother’s Day.)

Because creating anything is beautiful, but there’s a unique depth to the beauty we make in our bellies. Especially when those creations are blowing kisses from the back seat.

And P.S.: He did eventually fall asleep.

I was taking a mini walk with Justin — sometimes we take a stroll to the community dumpsters for some alone time, garbage bags in hand, a sprinkling of stars above us, and I won’t even pretend that it’s silly because alone time is alone time and fresh air is fresh air — and we started “remember when-ing”.

Remember when we lived in a Brooklyn apartment, above a crazy old lady who threatened our lives when we walked too heavily up the stairs?

Remember when I was pregnant and we lived in that giant gymnasium-like loft, and the roof kept leaking and then the gas kept leaking? And we had to find a new place to live weeks before my due date?

Remember when our backyard was a concrete slab and our street was well in the city’s “lock your car” boundaries? And how, after we moved, Noah cried and cried for the concrete slab and concrete steps? And for the iron gate that was magical to him, but basic protection for us?

Remember when we couldn’t make ends meet (we laugh while still pinching pennies at the end of the month because preschool + student loans + basic living = $$$)?

“But isn’t that normal?” he said. “For the beginning.”

Don’t all of our parents (and grandparents) have war stories from their broken-down apartments with cramped space and questionable water supplies? And didn’t they make it out alive — able to look back and laugh?

Is financial stability a prerequisite for modern parenting?

And I’m really asking, because I don’t know. Has life changed too drastically — with preschool payments equaling a mortgage and health insurance lingering right around the “You want HOW MUCH?” price range? Or did we forget that people can struggle in the beginning without it defining their whole lives. That there’s life beyond motherhood. That there’s beauty and lessons in the (temporary) struggle.

What do YOU think?

How many times will I feel paralyzed to write because of an unthinkable tragedy that just unfolded?

How many times will my newsfeed flood with prayers and horrifying links about a specific event?

How many times will we praise the good in humanity amidst a darker subtext? And why is it always with a darker subtext?

How many times will we promise to hold our children close because yet another child was senselessly killed by a stranger’s plotted violence?

How many times do I need to be reminded?

How many times in one year? In one lifetime?

One day Noah will realize that superheroes can’t, in fact, stop all the bad guys in the world. And at this rate, it won’t be long.

My heart is in Boston, as it was in Newtown, as it was in Aurora. My heart is with humanity — I only wish that were true for everyone. Then maybe this could all stop.

But there’s one common denominator in all of the recent (and not-so-recent) tragedies, which is best summed up by Mr. Rogers:

“When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find the people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster,’ I remember my mother’s words and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers — so many caring people in this world.”

-Fred Rogers (“Mr. Rogers”)

It would sure be nice to have a few superheroes, though.

***

I originally planned on writing about money tips for “Tax Day,” but it all feels so trivial right now. Back to regularly scheduled programming tomorrow. Tonight’s for grieving and hoping.

It’s been a long week. One of those weeks when life gets in the way of (ahem) writing, but here’s a photo of Benjamin to make you smile ^^.

I’ll make up for my lack of posting with a bunch of awesome links to check out:

Big goals for every life stage.

Retirement planning for 20-somethings.

5 ways to make extra money online (and then check out even more legit make-money-at-home ideas).

12 things this young mom does to strengthen her marriage (LOVE these!).

Smart advice to the young.

LOVE this “maternity shmernity” fashion series from a stylish young pregnant mama.

Giveaways and sales that you had no idea about.

This is why I work.

An important article for writers. And women. And humans.

And here I am, elsewhere:

15 common Spring Cleaning mistakes — plus tons of tips + DIY recipes

Awesome products/books by my fellow bloggers

To marry young or not to marry young: Why is this a question?

The sweetest tea sets for your little host.

10 tips for crafting with toddlers.

Baby names inspired by Disney/Pixar flicks.

Have a happy weekend, everyone! Cheers to a FULL WEEK of posts next week.