01.18.13
We were driving down to New York City a couple weeks ago for a (post-holiday) holiday train show, and I looked down at my lap — down at the faux-fur snood and pink-and-gold polkadot clutch.
And they made me so happy.
“I’m really embracing my girly-ness lately,” I said to my husband, who glanced over at me and smiled.
“That’s good, babe. I like it,” he said — probably thinking that I’ve always been pretty girly. Like back when I’d creep into his driveway in the middle of the night wearing tiny pink shorts and an Abercrombie tee, with Victoria’s Secret perfume masking the restaurant smell that stuck to my 17-year-old skin after a long waitressing shift, where everyone called me “Britney” because of my unapologetic (girly) girl crush on Britney Spears.
But it felt different from that juvenile girly stuff.
Over the past couple years, I’ve started wearing more heels, more dresses, more makeup, more polka dots. My hair keeps getting longer and longer — to the point where I only trim it when it gets unmanageable. To the point where it feels like I’m clinging to something that’s slowly backing away. And I think that something is my youth.
I’ve spent so long — quite possibly my entire life — wanting to be older. Being “young” defined so much of my identity — from friendships to romances to, now, motherhood. Always the young one.
And I know there are a lot of young women on here who know what I mean. You’re tired of feeling judged about looking so young — tired of the comments and the looks and the “well maybe if I start shopping at Ann Taylor LOFT they’ll all respect me”s. But damn, you guys. One day it just happens, and I can’t pinpoint when.
My best friend and I have different last names from the ones we’d scribble in our 5th-grade notebooks. My little sister and I drive around with our sons in the back seat. I straddle my husband’s lap on the couch, the same way I did 9 years ago in my pink shorts and Abercrombie tee — except I’m wearing his sweat pants now, and I smell like Aden and Anais lotion instead of Victoria’s Secret perfume, and it’s our son in the next room instead of his roommate.
WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN.
Piggybacking on our last guest post about looking back on young motherhood from the perspective of 30, I feel like I’ve stepped over a threshold of “young” and “not as young.” Of course I’m only 26, and I can absolutely still dress youthful and have long hair and wear head-to-toe polkadots, but I can see the end in sight.
I don’t cut my hair because I can see a time when, one day, I’ll look better with shorter hair. I haven’t dyed my hair in years — even as the strands of grey quickly multiply — because I can see a time when I’ll be booking monthly hair appointments. I play around with makeup and dress up on weekdays because — why not? Why not enjoy my youthfulness?
Why not enjoy it?
Enjoy it.
11 Comments to Clinging On For Dear Youth
Stephanie
January 18, 2013 at 6:03 pm
For the record, you changed your last name first
It took years before I could make it sound “normal” in my mouth. But now, it’s the first one I think of when I go to say your name, because it’s who you’ve become. I really love this post. You touch on things that have been on my mind all week. I just turned 27 this week (your magic number) and it’s the first time I’ve ever felt like the threat of “age” was really looming over me. In the grand scheme of life, I know I’m still a baby, I’m absolutely still young. But for the first time I feel the youth of my 20′s and everything that came with that time in my life is slowly fading away. I’ve always felt closer to 20 than I was to 30, until this week. It’s probably not our faults. Society in general has led everyone to associate their 20′s as the time of youth and 30′s as the first step on your way over the hill. Even across the country we’re still on the same page. My hair is longer than ever. High heels are my new favorite “toy” to play with. The old I get, the more I embrace my girly side too. I think it’s because I’ve played with my style for so long now that I’ve finally figured out what looks good on me. I’m too old for Abercrombies and can’t even begin to fathom how I ever fit into a pair in the first place. I feel like denim shorts are no longer appropriate to wear in public unless I’m on vacation or walking to the pool even thought my legs still look hot and sometimes I still want to show them off. You’re right we’re not old, but we’re “not as young”. I had so much fun in my early twenties. I moved out on my own for the first time, I wasn’t responsible for anyone other than myself, I was falling in love with someone new {for the last time} and sometimes I wish I could re-live the highs of those moments all over again. But I’m in also in love with where I’ve ended up. Perhaps that’s why I’m bent and determined to not let my age define me. I may be more mature but I’m planning on staying young for a long time.
heidi
January 18, 2013 at 10:02 pm
OH MY GOD – I could have written this. I literally just had this conversation with my guy last night. Granted, I’ll be thirty this year. But ya. I get exactly what you mean.
my honest answer
January 19, 2013 at 11:38 am
Oh Michelle I can so relate to this! Especially the part about not dying my hair, despite the grey. I just keep thinking, one day, I’ll be paying to go BACK to this colour, enjoy it while I can. And I wear loads more dresses lately, too. Although for me it’s more for comfort than cuteness. Dress + leggings is the closest thing you can get to pyjamas but wear anywhere!
Kallah
January 20, 2013 at 5:14 pm
Damn, you are just. So. Relatable. Its a gift! Everything you share I am instantly so able to empathize and agree with. Such good writing!
I used to enjoy the luxury of those whimsical “chop it off” haircuts whenever the mood struck to take off those 10 inches of hair that crept up so quickly… Approaching my 25th birthday this summer, I made the same realization as you – I really only have so long to be able to pull this off… I don’t want to look back someday and regret not taking advantage of my youth and long, thick non-silvery hair. Soooo long hair it is for keeps now. Until like you said, it stops looking good. Which will happen sooner than I’d like to believe!
Also – I think a huge advantage to having babies early is they make people perceive you as even YOUNGER.
.
I mean, look at you and your huge son… it makes your youth stick out more since you HAVE that permanent “accessory”
michellehorton
January 20, 2013 at 5:38 pm
Oh Stephanie, my soul sister, I think we’ll always be on the same page.
And for the record, I’ll never be able to get Voloshin out of my head — even though your new last name is way better than mine is. I miss you.
michellehorton
January 20, 2013 at 5:40 pm
Hayley! I was just thinking about you the other day! I’ve been meaning to email you — so happy to see your comment!
michellehorton
January 20, 2013 at 5:42 pm
Thank you so much, Kallah — I’m happy to hear you can relate so much!! There are so many different perspectives here on Early Mama; it’s nice to find the ones so close to mine.
Tamar
January 21, 2013 at 3:03 am
What a great post…I found your site after feeling exasperated at all the posts about motherhood online making me feel like my youth is over…I thought “this can’t be it, just because I have a little one, it just can’t be, there must be some other mum’s out there in their 20′s who don’t feel this way.” Glad I found you. I’ll keep reading and living young
michellehorton
January 21, 2013 at 3:07 am
I’m so glad you found your way here, Tamar.
my honest answer
January 21, 2013 at 12:33 pm
Ah, your reply made my day! I’ll look out for that e-mail x
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