Today’s guest post is from a 23-year-old professional musician and singer named Amanda, who knows the stereotypes associated with being “too young” for her adult life. A newlywed to her high-school sweetheart (who hopes to become an “early mama” soon), Amanda shares her experience holding onto a traditional relationship that’s been labeled taboo:
When I was 14 years old, I met Andy. Andy was the new, goofy kid from Australia and everyone was very interested in what he had to say. He had told a few of my good friends that he “liked me,” and from then on they were convinced they had to get us together. Andy and I became good friends, and eventually started “going out” — which really just meant that we were boyfriend and girlfriend, even though we weren’t allowed to date yet.
Little did I know, I had just met my future husband.
Andy’s passion for music is one thing that stood out to me. He was a bass player and I was a singer. Singing had become the one hobby I was passionate about. We shared a love for music and it just clicked.
Four years of high school went by and it came time to go to college. Andy and I were already different from most couples our age because we were still together. What made us really different is that we decided to go to college together.
Now here’s when we started getting The Looks.
“Oh, you’re going to college with your boyfriend?” Because everyone knows that’s a bad idea.
I can see why going to college with your boyfriend is/was somewhat frowned upon. College is usually a time when young adults learn more about themselves, get to know others, and figure out what they want in life. Most young adults are not mature enough to commit to a relationship for six months, let alone four years. And I’m not saying that Andy and I missed out on exploring what we wanted or meeting new friends, but we did stay together.
I started resenting those people who thought it was a bad idea. People my age — and even more surprisingly, my parents’ age — would say things like, “You came with your boyfriend? Don’t you want to have fun?” I felt like I was walking around with an “X” on my forehead. I was either being ignored by guys because I had a boyfriend (and was therefore uninteresting to them) or I was being judged by girls whom implied I wasn’t independent because I wasn’t single.
Could I be respected and grow as a strong, educated young woman with my high-school boyfriend by my side?
Four years later, Andy and I got married. I was 21 years old, and no, I wasn’t pregnant. I was about to graduate, and we felt ready. We had been together for 8 years at this point, and we were ready to move on to the next level.
Our wedding cost a mere $2,000. We don’t have steady, full-time jobs yet. We haven’t started saving for our future children’s college funds. We’re not even completely sure what we want to do just yet. But Andy is my best friend and has given me nothing but consistent, loving support — in some of the most tumultuous years of my young life.
People would give me The Look and say things like, “What’s your plan? Do you know what you’re gonna do with the rest of your lives? Do you have enough money saved up?” It doesn’t help that I look about five years younger than I really am, and honestly, we don’t have the answers to many of those questions. One thing we do know: Wherever we’re going, it’s going to be together.
In a culture where marriage under 30 seems taboo and the thought of having children or buying a house seems impossible, being a young married couple at 23 years old can be a bit confusing. I recently ran into a 60-something woman, whom I hadn’t seen in years. She asked what I was up to, in which I replied that I was married, and she was in immediate shock.
“You’re married?? My daughter can’t even think about being in a relationships right now, she’s studying to be a lawyer!”
Once again, I was slapped in the face with the implication that somehow my life is lacking or I’ve missed out on my independent youth because I chose to marry young. I’m still a determined woman, I just choose to find love and support in my relationship over money and material things.
I love the fact that women don’t have to rely on men financially anymore — the way our grandmothers or great-grandmothers did. However, being a woman now is difficult because we’re expected to do it all: go to school, have a career, get married, have children, make money, and be the caretakers. And as difficult as it may be, I do want all of those things.
But why is everyone so concerned with the order of these events? Why can’t I get married and simultaneously pursue my career in music? Why can’t I, God forbid, have a child before I have everything figured out?
Getting the career of our dreams or saving the extra money may have to be put on hold during these economic times. But does our relationship have to be too?
***
Thank you for sharing, Amanda. Did anyone in the EM community have a similar experience? Any comforting words for Amanda?
17 Comments to Guest Post: My Taboo Traditional Marriage
Krystal N
January 10, 2013 at 2:18 pm
I was 21 when my husband and I got married. I wasn’t pregnant either. I can relate with Amanda so much! My now husband and I meet our senior year of high school and he left for college 14 hours away after graduation. We spent 4 years in a long-distance relationship. People thought we would never last, we both heard it a lot. We heard we needed to see what else was out there for us and keep our options open. We didn’t listen. We’ve been married almost 3 years now and have a beautiful 7 month old. The ones who love and care about you the most, don’t always have the right advice. If it’s something you both want, I don’t see anything wrong with marrying young. Not everyone has a success story from marrying young, but the ones who do, are remarkable stories to listen to and see what bumps they had to go through.
Nicolle
January 10, 2013 at 2:56 pm
I’ve had a similar experience – I’m currently 26 years old, and I met my husband our freshman year of college. We dated all through college, and got married about 3 weeks after graduating. I still get comments on how young I am – I once had someone who gave me the dirtiest look imaginable when she found out I was married, and then asked how old the kid was. I was shocked that she would assume that just because I married young (22) I must have been pregnant.
But I wouldn’t change it for anything – sure these last few years have been rough, but we’re living on our own, working, and not depending on our parents. We’re closer because we’ve grown together.
Unfortunately, I think I’m in the opposite camp of many of the readers of this blog. We’ve been struggling with infertility for the past 2 years. I’m hopeful that one day we’ll have children, but that’s not happened yet.
Nikki @ Outnumbered
January 10, 2013 at 2:58 pm
This is all so true, and really, so sad, the way people treat young marrieds.
My husband and I got married when he was 20 and I was 21. I was just finishing college (in nursing, so a job was a guarantee) but my husband was working a couple part-time jobs and didn’t really know what he wanted to do in life yet. He graduated from college, with a job in hand, just before our 4th wedding anniversary (and a month before our first son was born). We’ve figured things out together, and it’s been great! We’ve been married ten years now, and have four kids.
I think it’s dumb that people think you should be a certain age, or need to have everything figured out in life, need to explore all avenues BEFORE marriage. I never understand why people don’t think you can do all those things WITH the love of your life.
Love this post.
Katrina C
January 10, 2013 at 3:01 pm
This story was very familiar to me. I was 18 when my husband and I started dating, 19 when we moved in together, and 21 when we bought our first house. When planning for university I knew I wanted to stay close to home, both to be with him and close to my family, who were going through a difficult time. Before we met he had planned to move 3 hours south for a tool and dye apprenticeship after graduating high school, but said he wouldn’t if I didn’t want him to. I didn’t want him to. He never did end up getting a job in that field, and looking back now, I think he should kiss my feet every day for convincing him not to go. Everything worked out great for us. Not only did I love the program I chose to study at my local school, I loved the school so much I now work there. My work has also allowed DH the flexibility to change career paths a few times, which has not only given him a lot of personal growth and freedom to try things, but it’s led him to his dream job in digital media (a long way from tool and dye!). For some reason our society sees youth as a time of necessary chaos and uncertainty and marriage as something you should “settle” into with maturity. My experience has shown the opposite can also be true. Following your heart young can lead you to where you’re supposed to be, and the loving support of another can make the chaos and uncertainty of youth that much easier to manage. Best of luck to you and your husband. My response to those who would judge you is simply to say that unlike many young people, you know what you want for your life and see no reason to wait for it.
Sarah Peduzzi
January 10, 2013 at 3:34 pm
Amanda, you hit the nail on the head! I have gone through (and still am going through) the exact same thing. I got engaged at 20, promptly went to study abroad (sans fiance) and people were saying we would never last. After 2 1/2 years of marriage, we are both incredibly happy. He is going back to school and I’m working full-time. All the nay-sayers can suck it, as far as I’m concerned. Nice post!
Heather
January 10, 2013 at 3:57 pm
Amanda, I have to agree with you whole heatedly. I met my husband when I was 17, got married at 18, and like you I was not pregnant. I didn’t, and still don’t, see why it how it’s a good idea to give up a good man I could see myself with for the rest of my life. He is my best friend, the one I can turn to when I have problems, even when those exact problems came from him. He IS my love, and I don’t want another.
By choosing Andy, I’ve been able to grow more than what I may have been able to on my own, as he does not tell me falsehoods to save my pride. Why give up a great love, an amazing man, so you can go out into the world and get hurt? Doesn’t make sense. You can pursue your dreams at a young age, and it’s even better when you have someone at your side cheering you on, not cause he needs to, but because he has been around you for so long, he knows the importance and meaning behind your dreams. Married young and happy is better than married older with more baggage, unrealized dreams, resentment, etc.
Yes, it’s harder because we have more opposition, or our friends are not at the same life stage, but when I lay next to my husband, hearing him being out snored by our 2 year old, the gentle whimpers of our 1 month old as she gets comfortable, I wouldn’t change that Michener in the courthouse for anything.
Elizabeth Bennet
January 10, 2013 at 4:09 pm
This is really thought-provoking and a very different perspective from the one that I usually get from my peers. I’m a 21 year old college student, and I feel like most of the people that I encounter on campus, and even a lot of my friends at home, are obsessed with being super-successful–and they define “success” as having a lot of money and a “big deal” job. I guess that’s fine if that’s what they want, but then they also decide that that success is worth putting everything else on hold–even, probably especially, relationships which are seen as distractions. Everyone is waiting for the right time to be happy, and usually the right time is tied to whether there’s enough money in the bank for a huge wedding. Ironically, the people who care less about the wedding and more about the marriage are told they’re being foolhardy. So many people end up marrying their boyfriend or girlfriend from college, they just wait eight years to make more money, or decide it’s what they want or whatever–what’s wrong with cutting out those eight years and making money and figuring out what they want together??
Maria
January 10, 2013 at 7:46 pm
I was 21 (2003) when I met I husband. I was in college, he was already working for a bank. I got pregnant quickly after meeting him. Was it our plan, no. Did everyone think we were crazy, yes! I did finish college with 2 degrees and a baby. We didn’t get married until 2009. It hasn’t been easy and it didn’t help when people looked at us side ways and basically said “oh, your life is over” however, here we are almost 10 years later and we’re still going strong.
Heather @ The Caterpillar Years
January 10, 2013 at 8:19 pm
I didn’t date my (now) husband for years and years before we got married, but since I was only 21, getting married was still controversial. We’ve been married for 6 years now, and we have two beautiful babies (3.5 years, and 13 months). Being married young was one thing, but being pregnant at 24 was an experience I’ll never forget. I actually went out and bought a fake wedding ring that was sized to fit my “pregnant fingers” to help avoid some of the “looks” I got whenever I went anywhere. And even now, at 28, I still get “The Look” when I’m out and about with my daughters. Sometimes I want to bring a sign with me that says, “I CHOSE THIS!!”. It’s a difficult time to be a young-wife and mother, even if it’s by choice. Thank you so much for sharing your story Amanda!
Ashley
January 10, 2013 at 11:40 pm
My husband and I started dating when we were both 17 and were married at 22. I knew from our first date that he was the man I would marry. Plenty of our parents’ friends were skeptical about our marriage.
I would like to say that now at 29 it is no longer an issue, but it still comes up sometimes. We were at a party where a group of girls were talking about wedding photography. I made a comment about how the trends have changed since 2006 when I got married. Everyone stopped talking and a girl asked “how old are you?” They were all surprised I was the same age as them.
I have absolutely no regrets about marring my first ever boyfriend at a young age. I think of myself as very fortunate. We waited 4 years before trying to have kids and ended up having identical twin boys. Now I wonder why we waited so long to have a baby!
Amanda
January 11, 2013 at 1:24 am
Wow, it’s so nice to hear encouraging words from other women who have done the same thing! Elizabeth, that’s really true! I think a lot of people our age put too much emphasis on having a lot of money or having the “dream wedding.” And Heather, I agree that it’s really nice to grow with your spouse and have someone cheering you on!
Kristel
January 11, 2013 at 3:22 am
My husband and I were 22 years old when we got married. Now we are 27 with a toddler and a baby on the way. Do we have it all figured out? No! Have we had bumps along the way? Yes! But I wouldn’t change a thing. He’s my best friend. We love each other and we love being a family. You will be fine.
Natasha
January 28, 2013 at 2:23 pm
I whole-heartedly agree with the feelings in the post. I’m not a young mom, but I met my husband when we were 17 (summer love between junior and senior years). We went to different high schools but I knew I wanted to be with him forever. We moved in together when we were 19 and married at 23 and this year will be celebrating three awesome years of marriage. Sure, I chose to go to a college nearby (rather than out of state) so we didn’t have to be apart, but he has been my biggest supporter (emotionally and financially–we were very lucky he got a great job right out of high school) in advancing my career and going to school. I am so blessed to have such an awesome husband. We have been talking about having kids and though we tend to be “planners”, we are starting to come around to the fact that a baby just needs to be a surprise and life needs to happen the way it wants to. However, it’s really inspiring to me to see stories of young moms. I don’t want to have kids and be an “old mom”, however the reality of my age is slowly dawning on me. 0.0 I’m terrified of being a mom and messing it up, though I guess if you weren’t just a little scared, you would probably not be a great mom. Last thought, is it selfish to want to delay kids because you want more time with your hubby?? I’m afraid of delaying too much and then realizing I’m 30 and haven’t had kids yet. :/
michellehorton
January 28, 2013 at 2:32 pm
In my opinion, strengthening your relationship is the most important thing you can do right now — for your future family. That being said, your time with your husband isn’t over once you have kids. In fact, it can create an even stronger bond. You’ll find reasons to love him that you never knew before. And yes, EVERY ONE feels scared.
Jesse
March 1, 2013 at 11:49 pm
I met my soon-to-be husband our junior year of high school. I am 23 years old, but I look 19. When our wedidng rolls around in May of this year our relationship will be 7 years old. Most people are shocked that Kenney and I have been together for that long without breaking up, especially when we began going to college (he and I go to the same college as well). What most people are even more shocked about is the fact that we have never had intercourse before. When people learn this they assume I’m lying, which hurts my feelings but who cares about their opinion anyway. I think there is so much bad stuff going on in the world that people have just become cynical about people like us actually loving one another and wanting to be together for so long and at such a young age.
Angela
March 21, 2013 at 4:33 pm
My story is so similar to Amanda’s that I’m shocked. I also started dating my boyfriend at age 14, and he was my first boyfriend. I was a new student at school and did not really have a lot of friends, and I felt so lucky to find someone who I could talk to. We started going out right before the start of 9th grade, and stayed together throughout high school (and beyond).
It wasn’t easy growing up in a relationship, not by any means. He struggled a bit with balancing his independence (at that age, boys just want to play video games with their friends), and my parents told me that he would soon break up with me “because relationships at that age don’t really last long.” From what I learned from others, I felt our relationship was doomed and, as time went by, I felt more like a weird exception. I lost a few of my own girlfriends who did not like the idea of me being tied down in a relationship, despite my sincere efforts to keep them in my life.
We were both nerdy, and were very dedicated to our work and school activities, and so we tried to keep our relationship private so teachers would not judge us. Despite our efforts, I could feel the awkward stares of teachers in the hallway as we would walk by, and I knew our relationship was not a secret.
Many times we were treated unfairly because we were in a relationship. It was the first day of tenth grade, and as I went into biology class, the teacher told us we could pick our seats. Because of my very poor eyesight, I sat in the front row next to my boyfriend and another person I knew. Our teacher then went on to say, looking directly at me with a sly smile, “It’s interesting to note why people sit where they do.” I told him that I had trouble seeing the board, and he said something like, “Sure you do.” He continued to display sexism throughout the rest of the year. I hated how people judged me, just because I called my best friend my boyfriend.
We ended up graduating top of our class, and right around that point, we had to decide which college to attend. We didn’t apply to all of the same schools, but in the end we were only considering the same two Ivy League schools. His parents pressured him to go to one, while I wanted to go to the other one. In the end, I changed my mind at the last minute and decided to go to the same school he was going to attend. I couldn’t imagine going to a school so far away without my best friend.
And so, despite all the problems we faced during high school- discriminatory teachers and the general trials and tribulations of growing up- we left home in August to start our lives in college. We always got the same sense that Amanda experienced, that people judged us because we were not living the crazy, independent and fun-living lives that normal college students got to experience. The girls I lived with freshman and sophomore year never included me in their group because they wanted to go out and find boys to hook up with, while I just wanted to go to the movies. Boys were not interested in being my friend because I had a boyfriend. By junior year, we ended up moving into an apartment together, which finally gave me a feeling of relief and comfort to be finally living with him. Despite this, I always had a little tugging feeling in my heart that maybe I should have stayed living with the girls, that maybe I should not let go of what was left of my “independence.” I was living my dream, and also not living my dream at the same time. I had no idea if what I was doing was right or wrong.
We ended up graduating last May from college, and it took a few months for my boyfriend to find a job. I am still looking myself. I find it frustrating and hard to think that I tried to follow the plan that society thinks women should follow, I graduated high school and a good college, but I do not feel any better off than before. I always think about my ex-friend from high school who became an Early Mama at 19 and went on to marry her boyfriend and create a wonderful family. She did not follow the conventional path, but her life seems much more happy than mine at this point. I realize now that following the society’s correct path does not make anyone more or less successful and happy than someone who follows their heart.
I am very happy (and sad) to hear that there are others who have experienced some of the same battles that I have faced being in a relationship at a young age. I wish that people would wish us well and be hopeful for our future, instead of trying to knock us down.
Perhaps this is cliché, but my favorite quote that I think all young moms, girlfriends, and wives (and everyone else for that matter) should live by is by John Lennon:
“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.”
Betsey
June 2, 2013 at 9:05 pm
Hello! This is my 1st comment here so I just wanted to give a quick shout out and tell
you I genuinely enjoy reading your articles.
Can you suggest any other blogs/websites/forums that go over the same
topics? Many thanks!