The Huffington Post posted an article called 15 Types of Sex You Have in Your 20s, which I then posted on Facebook:
As a 20-something living a life that not many of my 20-something friends are living (i.e. the traditional/untraditional life of a young mom and wife), I enjoy reading these articles about the typical modern 20-something — only because it's so different from my own reality.
And this was a fun piece that I thought could use a little twist: the types of sex that young moms have in their 20s. Or, really, anytime after having kids. And like the original HuffPo piece (which, by the way, can still be applicable to us — like #5, #6, ,#8, #10, #14, and #15) many of these can happen simultaneously:
1. "Shhhh" Sex
The hand-over-mouth, pillow-over-face, why-is-this-bed-CREAKING-we'll-wake-the-baby sex.
2. Creatively Located Sex
While other 20-somethings are having "creatively located sex" for the story, we're doing it out of necessity. Okay — and for the story.
3. "Quick We Have 10 Minutes Before He Gets Home" Sex
Dear Aunt Nikki: When I text and ask how far away you guys are, it's not because I need more time to cook dinner.
4. Hotel Sex
Remember when, as a little kid, you'd cram a bunch of Halloween candy into your pockets and under your shirt, and then shuffle/gallop to your room and shovel chocolate into your mouth, throwing wrappers over your shoulder as you go, and not stopping until you absolutely have to? That.
5. Just-Had-a-Baby Sex
Sort of like losing your virginity, but in a new, foreign body — that you pushed a human out of 6 weeks ago.
6. Hands-Off Sex
Also known as: working-breasts sex. Or dear-god-please-don't-start-leaking sex. This "hands off" style is quite literal in those first two months of breastfeeding, before turning into a purely mental obstacle for...let's see...two years after weaning? And counting.
7. "We Haven't Had Sex in a Week (Two Weeks? Three Weeks?)" Sex
Usually lead by suggestive text messages, it sometimes straddles the border of obligatory sex — but with an ego behind it.
8. Creative Sex
When you trade in "one-night stand" sex and "you're convenient" sex for "one person for the rest of your life" sex, the upside is that you really get to know a person (and yourself). And you can't just stick to the same script (such as you might, if the variable were a rotation of men), because that's...boring. We're still young! We're innovative! We have (some) energy! We can make complete fools of ourselves and then laugh about it over Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwiches!
9. Risky Sex
If you've ever experienced the gripping depth of newborn sleep deprivation, or signed a check to a private preschool, then you understand that all sex is risky sex. But, rather, I'm talking about the someone-could-walk-in-at-any-second risk — which sounds fun, until...
10. Interrupted Sex
"Mommy I have to go poooottyyyyy."
Or: "Mommy, Daddy, I'm home! Look what Grandma bought me!" (as we frantically search for our pants and my poor husband sighs an exhausted, painful sigh.)
11. Scheduled Sex
I'm only putting this on here because I know a lot of you have more than one kid and scheduling sex is the only way it'll ever get done. But do you actually write it on your calendar? Do you set up an iPhone alert? And does it suck a little bit of your soul each time you do?
12. Distracted Sex
Imaginary distractions: Wait, is he crying? Shhh, is that him? Is he walking down the hall? I think he's saying something. And then there's the mental distraction: How much time do we have? Did I answer that email? Is it just me, or does our rhythm resemble the "Choo Choo Soul" song?
13. Naptime Sex
There's a reason so many kids are spaced two to three years apart: the first kid stops napping after that.
14. Baby-Making Sex
This concept is completely foreign to me, but it sounds nice.
15. Sideways Sex
Also known as: "I-really-want-to-have-sex-but-I-equally-want-to-sleep" sex, where neither of us will lift our heads off the pillow. The kind of sex that you sort of hint at — make mild suggestions, like a nudge, or a kiss, or a telepathic "let's do this" — but the idea of sleep is just as alluring. And if he doesn't get your subtle (imaginary) hints, you can satisfyingly doze off thinking well, I tried...
what did I miss?