06.22.12
I feel like this blog is evolving as I am — or at least I’d like it to, if I could work on it as much as I’d like.
It started (not too long ago, might I add) as a response to feeling judged and insecure. I desperately wanted to find other ambitious, smart, loving mothers who started families a little earlier on the spectrum. I needed to create a community that could inspire and encourage one another (read: inspire and encourage me) to have a strong marriage, successful career, and a full life despite the statistics and nay-sayers. I just wanted to know, to prove, that it was possible.
I envisioned nothing but positivity — partly because I choose to live a positive life, and partly because I felt too much negativity about younger parents/younger marriages/younger decisions.
And while I still very much cling to that original mission, I’m in a different place now.
This has been a difficult year for me.
I haven’t talked about it — publicly and even privately — mostly because they’re not my stories to tell. (And, believe it or not!, I’m a very private person about private matters.) And nothing that I’ve been dealing with has anything to do with being a mom. In fact that’s the brightest, purest, most grounding part of my life.
Never saw that coming.
I was so blinded by the enormity of being a parent that I figured all roots would lead back to that. Any struggles or road blocks would be attributed to having a child, when really having a child only changes how I cope with the struggles and road blocks that inherently come with growing up. The struggles that I’d be dealing with whether or not I had the title of “mom.”
I’m a runner. If we were all reduced down to our flight-or-fight instincts, I’d already be out. At the slightest discomfort, confrontation, or boredom, I pack up boxes and move — literally, figuratively, all of the above. I’ve transfered school, moved about 83 times, mentally checked out of situations that get rocky. And sometimes, in my darkest moments, I fantasize about packing up my perfect little boy and moving far, far away.
But he wouldn’t be my perfect little boy without the people he loves. (The people that I love too, of course.)
So I’m choosing to fight — for my family, my marriage, my career, my sanity — when my gut reaction is to lace up my running shoes. And ultimately that feels like the healthier, more mature, route to take — which I’m taking for him.
It’s an interesting place to be in, I think. Deciding to start a family “early” means that we make these huge life decisions — decisions that dictate our lives in the most permanent way — while we’re still essentially growing up. And it’s not only our own decisions, but the decisions of the people around us that we have to deal with. It’s easier to just throw up our hands, right? To get discouraged with our finances or marriage or career goals and just call it a loss. To give up when things get difficult — because we don’t have that life experience behind us, telling us to fight through it.
How do we make the right decisions — and can we help one another make the right choices? And when we don’t, how do we steer ourselves back on course and encourage each other to fight, not flee? How do we grow as independent women without being confined to all of the new roles that we’ve been thrown into?
If I didn’t have a son, I would most certainly have taken the easy way out of the mess swirling around me. Yet I think I’ll be a better person, a happier person, by problem-solving my way through it and committing to fight.
12 Comments to Choosing To Fight
Kendall
June 29, 2012 at 9:18 pm
In one of my favorite movies, “A League of Their Own”, Tom Hanks the baseball coach is scolding his top player for leaving the team. She says, “But it just got too hard.” His reply, (which has stuck with me since I saw the movie when I was about 12, I’m 32 now) was “The HARD is what makes it great. If it wasn’t hard, then everyone would do it.”
My heart has returned to that concept over and over when things get tough, because what would be without our struggles? Things worth having, are the things worth fighting for, and usually, they are not “things”. They are relationships, people, states mind, and most importantly new and better versions of ourselves. You can’t grow and change without the struggle and pain. It just doesn’t happen.
Your place in this world is hard, but that’s what makes it great. That’s why people run from the idea of young motherhood- people can’t hack the hard. But you did a great thing. You are still doing a great thing…a great many things.
Krishann
June 30, 2012 at 1:47 am
Your post made me cry. I have been struggling lately and am trying to find the strength to fight. At times it’s difficult not to get discouraged. Knowing she’s watching and depending on me encourages me to keep going. She’s my bright spot too. I have to remember I’ve overcome what seemed impossible before and I overcame because I didn’t quit. I am so glad I read this. Today especially I needed this. You reminded me that I’m not the only one who at times feels like this…thank you for sharing this.
Glad you aren’t lacing up your running shoes this time
you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Cecilia
July 1, 2012 at 3:37 am
As a mom, you make a million tiny and huge decisions each day and every one of those decisions is preparing you to make the “right decisions” in other areas of your life. That is life experience. We early mamas just get it a concentrated form.
I’m sorry that its tough right now. As my father would tell me, its “the curse of interesting times.” You have a brilliant attitude towards challenge and continue to inspire.
michellehorton
July 1, 2012 at 5:32 am
I love this, Kendall. You’re absolutely right — thank you!
michellehorton
July 1, 2012 at 5:35 am
It’s nice to know I’m not alone, Krishann! I do think that these little eyes watching us are the best motivation to be our best.
michellehorton
July 1, 2012 at 5:36 am
The curse of interesting times — I like that. Thank you!
Tiny Blue Lines
July 2, 2012 at 8:09 pm
I hope you find your way through your struggles right now Michelle. By the sounds of it, you have your heart focused on what matters in life, and you will get through. Thinking of you!
Kelly
July 13, 2012 at 10:18 am
Hello I just read your post on Disney Baby so I decided to pop over here and see what a blog for early mother’s was like. I became a mom 2 months after becoming 19. I’m now 23 and have 3 wonderful children. But I wouldn’t change it for the world.
I hope that you are are to overcome your struggles current and future and just remember that no matter how hard things get your son is always there for you when you need an “I love you” or just a hug/smile. Remember he’s always watching you and he’ll take on whatever example you set, so show him to be a fighter.
michellehorton
July 14, 2012 at 8:34 pm
That’s exactly right, Kelly, and he’s the reason I’ve been keeping my head high.
Thank you for coming over!
Brandy
July 19, 2012 at 4:17 pm
It’s truly amazing how having kids makes us the best we can be, mostly because we want to be better for them. Sending you strength for whatever it is you are fighting through!
Laura
October 23, 2012 at 2:27 am
I just discovered your blog and have been reading through some of your early marraige posts. I had my son at 19 and he is now coming up to 14 months. This post made me tear up, at the moment I am really struggling and I have always been a “runner” too. My partner and I plan on getting married in the next year or so, however lately things have been rough (financially, moving, other stresses) and it makes me want to run from him. I love him but lately its hard to think that it is enough. I know I need to fight and that its not him but its so easy to place blame and think that things would be easier apart.
Reading through your posts has made me realise I need to put in the effort. Life is so tiring that you get lazy and just expect your relationship to just work without having to actually work at it.
Thanks for lifting my spirits! Now back to reading through your archives while the little man naps
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