06.6.12
More and more of my friends are (finally) jumping on the baby bandwagon, which got me thinking about advice.
Seasoned parents — and by this I mean anyone who has had at least one child, at any point in their life — are more than willing to share little nuggets of wisdom and life-changing advice. Sleep when the baby sleeps is a popular one. Enjoy it, it goes so fast! is another. True and true, but here’s what I really wish I knew 3 years ago:
1. Do what you feel is right.
When it comes to parenting, there will always be someone telling you you’re right and someone telling you you’re wrong — and odds are they’re both “experts.” Making a decision that you’re 100% comfortable with — whether it’s sleep training, not sleep training, co-sleeping, not co-sleeping — makes it much easier to defend your choices.
And along with this, research these “parenting truths” more instead of going with the loudest advice. It’s easier to just do what your mom says, or what that author says from the book that your best friend gave you at your baby shower. But it’s better to make your own decisions. I have a lot of “I wish I would have…”s looking back, mostly because I went against my gut, or because I didn’t know there was another option.
2. Just because it was right for them, doesn’t mean it’s right for you.
Parents are different. Babies are different. Some moms are at their best when they can have a professional identity outside the family, or a creative outlet independent of parenting. Some babies do not like to be swaddled, or be worn in a baby carrier.
So graciously accept the advice — it comes from a good place — but ultimately realize that Baby A does not equal Baby B, and Mom A does not equal Mom B. Just because your friend’s baby was sleeping through the night at 4 weeks doesn’t mean she holds any sort of superior techniques — it means her baby was sleeping through the night at 4 weeks.
3. It’s hard, and then it’s not.
This is pretty much my mantra of motherhood. Breastfeeding, teething, potty training, first-time parenting — all initially overwhelming, until one day things feel smoother. Easier. And by that point, of course, there’s another hurdle to clear (especially in the first year), but it’s comforting to know that soon, in a blink, this too shall pass.
4. You’re in control.
One of the most difficult decisions I ever made was leaving a secure job with fantastic benefits for a (very little paying) internship with a 9-month-old baby at home. It was a constant debate: Do I pursue the career I want, or do I stay where it’s safe? I felt trapped.
Until one day, while commuting to work in a daze, it felt like someone grabbed me by the shoulders and shook really hard. I’m in control. The only reason I was staying at this job was because I had a baby back home — and doesn’t that baby deserve security? But doesn’t that baby also deserve to not be resented? I’m in control.
Once I realized this, there was no turning back. And it was the best parenting decision I ever made.
5. Your mother doesn’t know everything.
The difficult thing about having a baby before any of our peers is that we rely on advice from older generations. A) The research has certainly changed in the last 20 years, and B) they don’t really remember. How do I know this? Because I hardly remember my pregnancy, and it was three years ago.
Oh yeah? You remember exactly how you felt when you were 24 weeks pregnant? You remember what milestones my 2-month-old should be hitting? I call bull. BULL.
6. You don’t need the stuff.
Sure there are plenty of helpful baby products that I’ve grown to love and appreciate, but you don’t need the “stuff”. As soon as I saw the positive pregnancy test, I needed to move into a two-bedroom apartment. Bringing home a baby into our one-bedroom apartment felt…wrong. I needed to have the right neighborhood, the right nursery furniture, the right stroller — all because I felt so terribly unprepared.
If only I could have the right stuff, then maybe I wouldn’t feel so guilty, so backwards, so unready. So immature.
You don’t need the stuff.
7. Everyone needs help.
I don’t care if you’re 22, 32, or 42 — we all need help in the beginning. Just ask.
8. Learn.
It’s incredible just how much you can learn from a growing baby. From a fresh perspective, coming into this convuluted world without any idea how it works. Explaining the rules — the whys, the hows — taught me more about the world, about myself, than it taught him.
9. Some of the best support = online.
Truth.
10. It’s only the beginning.
I know I’ve talked about this before, but I assumed that having a baby would halt my life. My identity, career, life opportunities — all put on hold. Oh how wrong that is.
What do you wish you knew back then?
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This post is sponsored by Disney Baby. I’ll be joining the Disney Baby blogging team next month, and look forward to sharing these kinds of stories (projects/ideas/etc) with you over there! Stay tuned for more details!
14 Comments to 10 Things I Wish I Knew Then
Alison
June 7, 2012 at 2:46 am
So very, very true! I was overwhelmed with all the information thrown at me with my first pregnancy! And the worse part was people dwelling on the negative. A first time Momma doesnt need that. I needed support, love and to be told that my desicions for MY child were correct and good. But, the good thing is this time around(just found out were having #2) I know what to do. For the most part :0).
Olivia S
June 7, 2012 at 3:20 am
Michelle, I truly adore and appreciate your blog. I found it when I was pregnant, at 20, and check it almost daily for your incredible words of faith and wisdom. The part of being a young mom that I am most proud of is how it gave me the courage to listen to my instincts when it came to parenting, and not be pressured by any one else’s opinions. Being a mother has blessed me with more confidence than I ever could have imagined, and for that I will be forever thankful. This list is the perfect summation, for moms young and old.
Tiny Blue Lines
June 7, 2012 at 3:03 pm
Definitely agree with #10. That’s the single most important thing to learn, especially as a young mom. You don’t need all “your ducks in a row” before having kids. It’s a journey, and they are along for the ride too! It’s so much fun to be a family and grow and learn together.
Jessica
June 8, 2012 at 1:26 am
I agree with all of your 10. Online support has helped me tremendously. I was the first of my friends to have a baby, so knowing that I could so easily connect with other moms by turning on my computer was empowering for me.
Ariel
June 9, 2012 at 7:13 pm
Oh my gosh! Your #6 spoke directly to me. Yikes! I have done just that. As soon as I got pregnant, wanted a second bedroom, the right furniture, the right stroller, the right everything. I really needed to hear that it is just stuff, because at the end of the day buying all of the right “stuff” was just a cover up for how unprepared I might have felt!
Miranda Gonzales
June 12, 2012 at 3:34 pm
Hey! Can’t tell you what I wish I knew yet because I’m still trying to learn what I need to know
I enjoyed this post like so many others. Keeps me grounded while I grow out these last four months! I love the “you don’t need the stuff” “your mother doesn’t know everything” “info has changed… they can’t remember” Its awesome!
Miranda Gonzales
June 12, 2012 at 3:44 pm
I like that! we’re all on a journey togehter
christina
June 18, 2012 at 5:52 pm
I think all of these are great, and I have one to add. While my pregnancy was planned and we felt prepared to be parents, the thing that was actually the most difficult part of the transition to parenthood for me was how it unexpectedly changed my friendships. I knew my social life would look very different once I became a mom, but going from working with a group of people every day and seeing friends a few times a week to staying at home all day and seeing no one but my husband and my children’s grandparents was a big emotional roller coaster for me. I don’t know what I wish I had known…maybe that your friends who are so excited for you when you’re pregnant still have their own stuff going on and are going to forget about coming by to see you as much as they thought they would. It doesn’t mean they don’t love you, but you have to be the one who is more proactive if you want to keep up your friendships.
Rebecca
June 28, 2012 at 3:07 pm
I agree particularly with number 6. It did feel “wrong” bringing my baby home to my parents house with his crib in MY room. It’s now OUR room, and we’re doing just fine.
michellehorton
July 7, 2012 at 3:35 am
Exactly!
michellehorton
July 7, 2012 at 3:35 am
Thank you, Olivia!
Lace
July 26, 2012 at 5:42 pm
It got me so mad. When my mother tried saying that my sister in law did something and that i was doing it different and that she didnt think i was doing it wrong.
It got me to the point with my mother where i told her i’m just letting you know how your grandson is doing. If I need your advice i will ask.
For this don’t happen to you make it clear with family and friends that if you need help you will ask.
I now do not have any kind of a relationship with my mother and she hasnt seen her grandson in 11 months and hasnt even talked to him in 11 months also.
Surround your little family with the ones who are supportive and loves you no matter what. You know what is best for your baby not anyone else.
Crystal
August 14, 2012 at 8:13 pm
This was a great article. I was a younger mom and an older mom. My fisrt baby I had when I was 25 and it was before I was savy on the computer and I lived away from all my friends and family, so I had to rely on instinct. My second baby I had at 36 and he is a year old today. It is amazing, I live near all my family again, how with this one all my friends and family think I haven’t done this before and everything I do is wrong!
christina
May 18, 2013 at 11:01 am
Being a new mother for the first time is scarey at any age , there is absolutly no denying that fact. and the advice people will give you , i do believe most people think they are being helpful. this is because they were new parents at one time too, no child comes with a owners manaul so us new parents need some advise,helpful hints and we try whatever works best for us and our baby. and the best advise i had ever recieved was from MY MOTHER AND GRANDMOTHER !! .While reading this article i became more annoyed with the writter and then some of the comments that were written afterwards. I so now know why ,i cant stand this generation of young adults. what a bunch of self entilted lil brats you are..One can only think it will get worse to with the children this generation is bringing up. , what makes you think that when your children become parents they wont turn around and do the samething to you.as you did to your mothers? if you little snots can step outside your self centered little world. remember what comes around goes around. but then maybe you dont want to be grandparents someday. my gosh the love i felt fo my daughter multiplied by the millions as i watched her with her newborn infant. i had never been prouder of her.
and to think some of you talk about your mamas as they were not even a person. shame on you girls. i would be so embarassed if i were you. what did you think, you raised yourself? most of you sound like a bunch of whiney ass spoiled brats.