06.1.12
I was searching through iPhoto late last night, looking at a little face that’s been replaced with a bigger face, a louder face, a different face.
As much as I love hanging with 3-year-old Noah — I wouldn’t trade him for any baby in all the world — a part of me achingly misses that fleeting first year.
I miss the little boy who would only go to sleep if he was clutching mommy’s shirt. The infant boy who would fall asleep in a baby carrier, his cheek sticking to my chest. Who would gurgle and coo and eat from my body.
I miss the newness.
I miss watching his eyes turn from brown to blue to green, his face shifting with each month, becoming more animated — more Noah.
I miss the firsts.
I miss how he used to sleep with one arm straight up in the air, and how we thought that might last forever. (It didn’t.)
I miss how he used to sleep with a binkie, and how we were convinced that would last forever. (It didn’t.)
I miss how he used to sleep in the nook of my arm, and how I wanted that to last forever. (It didn’t.)
Maybe it’s because I worked such long hours during that first year, consumed with guilt and heartache and confusion. Or maybe it’s because those first 12 months were much like someone accidentally sitting on the fast-forward button — our swaddled baby suddenly blurring into rolling, scooting, clapping, laughing, crawling, running.
But wait, go back, you fast-forwarded over the best part.
I miss him.
And somehow I knew that I would miss him, even back then, as each week he turned into a different Noah.
And somehow I love that first-year Noah even more now, looking back — now that I recognize the personality simmering at the surface, waiting to emerge.
As much as I miss the baby boy who communicated with sign language and babbles, I know that I’ll miss the little boy who communicates with songs and spells.
And I hold him a little tighter.
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This post is sponsored by Disney Baby. I’ll be joining the Disney Baby blogging team next month, and look forward to sharing these kinds of stories (projects/ideas/etc) with you over there! Stay tuned for more details!
10 Comments to Remembering the Firsts
Catherine S
June 1, 2012 at 5:54 pm
Darn dust in this office getting in my eye.
Lovely post.
Liann
June 1, 2012 at 5:56 pm
I know EXACTLY what you mean. And knowing Harrison will most likely be our last, I feel like I’m really noticing the smallest moments with him much more than I did with Duncan. Having been through a first year already, and knowing how fast it goes gives you a different perspective the second time – for me at least. I wish I knew the first time around that I would blink and Duncan would be 20 months. It’s craziness!
Tiny Blue Lines
June 1, 2012 at 6:14 pm
It takes some darn good writing to make me get teary-eyed Michelle, so beautiful. And I think, even more heart-wrenching as I get ready to do the baby-thing a THIRD time. With the first, and even the second, you really think it was just a fluke that it went by so fast. Now I just know better.
michellehorton
June 1, 2012 at 6:18 pm
Thank you!
michellehorton
June 1, 2012 at 6:19 pm
It’s really not fair, is it? So much emphasis is placed on babies — the preparation, baby gear, cute little outfits — and it’s gone in an instant. An instant! Snuggle little Harrison for me!
michellehorton
June 1, 2012 at 6:20 pm
Aw thank you! I’m envious that you get to do this all over again so soon. I hope you really soak up all of that baby-ness.
Megan
June 1, 2012 at 8:48 pm
Oh my goodness, that just summed up everything I’ve been feeling lately. Elliott’s first birthday is coming up, and we just moved out of the apartment that was his first home. I cried shutting the door for the last time. I LOVED having a little tiny baby, even though I wouldn’t trade crawling-yelling-biting-almostwalking-loving Elliott for anything. This is one blog I have never regretted following.
Side note: If you’re interested, I have some updates from the Q + A post you did about me in the fall.
Debbie Ambrosino
June 2, 2012 at 3:04 am
Very touching post, Michelle.
Nikki
June 9, 2012 at 1:46 pm
Ah, reading this post brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my face– remembering the many phases and stages of Noah. Gosh, I’m so lucky to have experienced him growing, and I can’t wait to watch him continue to grow. Last week when he said (out of the blue)- “Aunt Ni-tee… I don’t want to drow up…” I turned around and said, Can I keep you this size, this age, this way forever? and he said “Why, yes. yes you can, Pfshhhhh— with a shake of his wand”
Holding on to each precious moment of that little guy– having photographs help, but I wish our minds could record everything and all we’d have to do is press re-wind.. especially in ten years from now!!
Nikki
June 9, 2012 at 1:48 pm
Which..reminds me………. Noah-aunt-uncle photoshoot tomorrow if the weather holds out????