7 Things I’m Afraid To Tell You

05.29.12

I agreed to participate in the third round of Things I’m Afraid To Tell You posts that have spread around the blogosphere, mostly because I, too, have been struggling with the transparency issue on blogs — specifically this blog. I consciously keep this a place of positivity and happiness, only because there’s so much negativity to sift through on the Internet. I’m also a very private person. But am I then encouraging a crop of young girls to get pregnant based on the flowery parts of “early” motherhood? Am I not portraying a realistic image?

After much back and forth, I firmly decided that I’d rather come from a place of positivity because that’s how I choose to live. Yet it’s been refreshing to see other bloggers bare their insecurities and fears — bloggers I hold on such sky-high pedestals — to make us all feel a little more human.

So here is my reluctantly written list of things I’m afraid to tell you:

1. FIRST let me say that I’m a very rational, logical person (see #2). Yet a part of me thinks that I may not make it past age 27. It feels ridiculous to write, but it’s the truth. The number 27 has had such an eerie presence in my life, and I can honestly say that there isn’t a person in my family who isn’t convinced that there’s some major significance — especially after Noah was born just after midnight on 2/7/09. It’s all so weird.

Something significant will happen when I turn 27, and it very well could be something wonderful — a new baby (most likely), finally getting a house, having a major career milestone, etc. Or maybe all of the 27s in my life have been like neon blinking arrows pointing to my 2/7 baby — just so I’d recognize his significance to the world. Maybe he’s my 27, lingering around, dropping clues of his forthcoming existence.

Or maybe it means absolutely nothing beyond my slow spiral into lunacy.

On a bad day, I’ll think that maybe there’s a reason I’ve done everything “early” in my life — why I felt I had to rush to adulthood, to condense my life. Maybe my entire life, including death, will be “early.” Even though it sounds like a weight to carry around — an unnecessary, illogical, torturing weight — it actually helps me enjoy each day, each minute, of my life before 27.

Feel free to mock me on my 28th birthday.

 

2. I’m not a religious person. This is something that I deliberately never wanted to tell you, only because it’s unfortunately a major divider. I was scared of losing readers, of being misunderstood.

I’m fascinated with theology, but I’ve always been very open-minded about it. I went to Sunday School, CCD — I’d beg my Dad to tell me Bible stories on the car rides home as I’d stare up at the moving stars — but I never fully bought it. I went on to take countless classes on religion in college, specifically relating to politics, culture, humanity — but I’ve always maintained a very objective perspective. If I’m watching Netflix, I’m probably watching a documentary on Buddhism, Jesus, Ancient Egyptian religion, etc. (loser!). I’ve never been sold on any one doctrine, but I’m fascinated at the common threads — as well as with nature, physics, energy, and basic laws of science. I might be the most spiritually curious non-religious person I know.

This is my religion: I don’t know. I don’t know. You could be right, or you could be right — or maybe everyone is slightly right. The real answer is most likely too big, or even too simple, to know for sure. Maybe it all means nothing, and the atheists are right. But I choose to live my life piecing the puzzle together, and I hope that you choose whatever makes you feel happy and content. I strongly feel that religion/spirituality (or the lack thereof) should be personal and private, yet I really struggle with how to approach this with Noah. He has no idea who or what a God is.

 

3. I used to secretly wish for a miscarriage. And now I’m terrified that the wish will one day come true — that someone or something will take him away from me. (More here.)

4. I went on three job interviews at Allure magazine (when I was days pregnant and didn’t know it). I didn’t get the job, and I never would’ve taken such a demanding job while I was pregnant. As much as I’d never trade my life — never, never, never — I still get stomach pangs when I pass an Allure cover at the grocery store. I still imagine a different life that could have been.

 

5. I’m constantly comparing myself to you. When you succeed at something, a part of me feels like there’s less success for me. I’m not sure where I’m racing to, or why.

 

6. The people who have hurt me, embarrassed me, or rejected me (see #4) take up far too much of my quiet moments. I’ve mentally gone back in time to tell you exactly what I should have said, over and over again. And even if you think I’m over it, a part of me isn’t.

 

7. I strongly considered not publishing this.

***

Here are the rest of the brave bloggers participating in this round. Leave them some comments too — it’s not easy being so vulnerable:

Jill at Terra Savvy | Erica at The Elbow | Jen at Taking Off the Mask | Kate at Modern Home Modern Baby | Laura at My So Called Sensory Life | Monique at Razing Mayhem | Caroline at Salsa Pie | Leslie at Life In Every Limb | Tammie at Tam.Me | Melanie at Inward Facing Girl | Amy at Old Sweet Song | Jen at Jen Epting | Leslie at Lights and Letters

HISTORY: Jess Constable wrote the first one, which inspired Ez to start a viral movement on Creature Comforts with round one. Meg from Mimi + Meg started round two.

[photos: Ez of Creature Comforts; thegreatdivorce via Creature Comforts]

Posted in Early Motherhood, Life, Uncategorized

17 Comments to 7 Things I’m Afraid To Tell You

  1. Jill V | TerraSavvy
    May 29, 2012 at 5:14 pm

    I can totally relate to #5!!! In fact, I am comparing myself to you right now. Seriously.

    I’m right there with you on #2!

    As far as #3 – I hate to admit it, but I felt that way when I was pregnant with my third (and last!) Claire. Even if only at times in the beginning.

    I love what you have here on your blog and That you have decided to do this with all of us!

    Thanks for holding my hand!

    HUG!

    xo

  2. Amy@OldSweetSong
    May 29, 2012 at 6:39 pm

    There is plant of success for all of us yet I feel the same way (#5). And it makes me feel bad about myself. Why can’t I just be happy for people who are doing well. If anything it should motivate me to get off of my lazy butt and do more. But instead I usually have a snack or take a nap.

  3. Leslie
    May 29, 2012 at 9:40 pm

    Michelle.
    I hear you about so much of this! I have 2 boys and I sometimes wonder what live might have been like if I had decided to not have a family. I’m pretty sure I would be lonelier. It’s always a little brighter on the other side, but just because we have kids doesn’t mean life is over. You can still work at Allure someday, or maybe even start your own magazine, or just keep publishing great stuff here! Our challenge is to balance the family with the dreams.

    I struggle with maintaining the positive outlook as well, I don’t want to complain online or project negative energy, but there is a way I think, to be honest and true and still be positive. Often it’s solutions oriented, or focused on the growth that we gain from challenges in our lives.

    I haven’t been to your blog before, but I look forward to spending some time looking around. Thank you SO MUCH for joining me today! I’m so glad that you published this with us, it’s important to reveal ourselves sometimes.

    And, YES on number 2, did you see my number 13 (2nd section)? Same same! We got a book called “What is God?” by Etan Boritzer and it answers the question beautifully for kids. You should check it out.

    xo Leslie

  4. Lauren R.
    May 29, 2012 at 10:42 pm

    #3- I experienced the same feelings. Not having support from my fiance’s family made it even worse.

    #5- Even though I am only 23 I feel like I shouldn’t not have floated around like I did when I got out of high school. I feel like I will never catch up with my peers.

    P.S. Thank you for your blog. You are an inspiration to me and other young mothers( I’m assuming, as I don’t actually know any!) Reading your words always makes my day brighter.

  5. Jen
    May 30, 2012 at 1:18 am

    Hey! Man, it’s rough to encounter “what-ifs” in the wild, huh? I have an number of things that are my equivalent of your experience with Allure… some of them are jobs, some of them are countries I could have moved to, some of them are men. Totally hear you.

    Thanks for sharing. :)

  6. Leslie
    May 30, 2012 at 2:55 am

    I love Allure! And I love your honesty. Your precious boy is darling. I find it interesting that you are so fascinated by things spiritual and yet don’t claim a religion. I love the picture of your little boy you chose to illustrate that part of your essay. Maybe in trying to explain things to him, you may find some answers yourself–who knows? Thanks for sharing yourself with us!

  7. Laura Rossi Totten
    May 30, 2012 at 10:29 am

    I love, love ,love your post. Visually and content-wise it’s unique and of course very brave. You are amazing and I am so honored we are in this together. As for ALLURE, maybe when you turn 27 you’ll get a freelance writing gig with the magazine! Cheers, Laura My So Called Sensory Life and Huff Post http://www.huffingtonpost.com/laura-rossi-totten/things-im-afraid-to-tell-you_b_1553773.html

  8. Caroline
    May 30, 2012 at 4:03 pm

    I strongly considered NOT publishing mine either!

    I feel like I keep repeating myself on this one–but it just rings so true–that we are all really SO much alike in our fears of this life.

    p.s. I’m 35 now and I used to have the same eerie feeling about my 20′s. I can’t remember what age it was for me, but it was definitely twenty-something and guess what? I made it through! Looking back I wonder if it was my feeling of not deserving what I had. I don’t know. Just wanted to share that with you.

    Hopefully all of us who participated can meet one day. xo to you!!! I loved your list (and the pictures too)

  9. Jen
    May 30, 2012 at 5:31 pm

    Hi! This is amazing, and thanks for sharing. I love that you have a fixation with the number 27 (how cool is that your son was born on 2/7?!). Numbers are cool, and I’m staying tuned to see what other wonderful things are coming your way!

    I feel the same way about religion. I just read Lucia Greenhouse’s book about Christian Science. If you haven’t read it, check it out!

    Nice meeting you!

    ~Jen

  10. Tiny Blue Lines
    May 31, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    I love this post Michelle. I know that I am secretly dying to know the “real” moms I love to read about. I do agree with you about keeping it positive, but sharing our struggles only keeps it more real–and keeps us pushing on!

    Thanks for sharing, you are an inspiration! :)

  11. Kate
    May 31, 2012 at 5:32 pm

    So happy to read your post. You know, my sister has the same sort of woo-woo feelings around the number 12. She’s 42 now but 12 still comes up for her. Everywhere.

    Also, I hear you on the religion thing. Organized religion is a ‘third rail’ so to speak, especially on blogs that typically don’t have anything to do with religion. I don’t write about it on mine, either, and have many questions – as well as conflicting answers – myself.

    Thanks for sharing!

  12. SAWK
    June 3, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    #5!

    Holy yes, Batman!

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