05.11.12
I’ve never been one to live in the moment. I remember sitting on my bed in high school with a pen and a notebook, planning my life — when I’d graduate college, where I’d work, when I’d meet my husband, when we’d get married, when I’d have my first (a boy), my second (a girl), and where I’d interject my professional achievements.
That profession changed, of course, dozens of times. I even had one of those Which Career Best Fits Your Personality books, where I answered hundreds of questions to get to a strict “personality profile” — dictating who I was before I was capable of knowing that myself. But the thought of just floating through life was unfathomable.
I was flexible in my planning. It was more like daydreaming, except that my daydreams had clear boundaries and focused goals. And when I’d change my major, again, or at least contemplate taking a different path, out came the notebook and pen, and out came another 10-year plan.
Always a plan.
Until this.
I know better now.
I know that if I had a magic wand 10 years ago, one that allowed my life to follow one of my pen-scrawled 10-year plans, I wouldn’t want that life anymore — not in comparison to this one. I wouldn’t have him. I wouldn’t have this.
Yet.
Yet…
“I want a baby.”
He tells me he wants a boy AND a girl. He wants them in my tummy, and then he wants to play with them and teach them how to walk.
Here I am, already counting the years and months that would separate them, wondering if I should have already given him a sibling, even more fiercely debating whether I even want a second baby — back and forth and back. And here’s this little innocent face asking so nicely for a playmate.
On the surface, I feel like the universe threw a pretty profound lesson my way — one that can be summed up as thus: chill the hell out. When all of the good things in my life are attributed to taking risks and letting go of preconceived “plans,” why am I having so much trouble trusting that life will work itself out? That a second baby will (or won’t) come at the perfect time? And that the perfect time might not be foreseeable?
Because buried down under experience and life-lessons is a young girl crouching in the corner of my mind with a pen and paper, tapping her foot, ready to write a plan.
She’s getting impatient.
And all the while, Noah is waiting for someone.
Someone to share his knowledge and magic.
Someone.
Justin goes back and forth just as much as I do, and we’ve pretty much stopped talking about it at this point. We’ve landed on a comfortable “Not Now.” But the question is always in my mind, and now it’s coming out of Noah’s mouth.
Maybe I’m not ready. Maybe I’m scared to take control, to plan, when the unplanning has been so wonderful.
Maybe I’ll never be ready.
But then who is he waiting for?
7 Comments to The Question
Katie Carr
May 11, 2012 at 5:56 pm
I knew I was ready for a second when my oldest was 3 months old. And my first 2 boys are 15 months apart. My third came 30 months after my second. I still waver – wanting another without really wanting 4 children. If it happens (with a tubal ligation its not very likely) then I will be madly and completely in love. And if it doesn’t happen – I will still be madly and completely in love with my three little guys. My boys were all amazing and wonderful surprises. But I always knew I wanted more than one – so it was easier. And I really enjoy watching their relationships with each other. I hope you find a good place where you aren’t feeling torn and doubting your decisions!
michellehorton
May 11, 2012 at 6:01 pm
Wow! Three months old! I wasn’t even slightly ready until Noah turned 2. Thank you — I hope so too!
Caitlin
May 11, 2012 at 6:46 pm
It took some time for me to be comfortable with the idea of having a second child–my first was completely unplanned and I wanted the opposite for my second–to know wholeheartedly that I was ready for another little guy or gal, for that additional responsibility. If it was up to my husband, we would have started trying the minute after my son was born. Instead, we waited years–my son is now 4, and we’re expecting our new boy in the next month. It’s a perfectly beautiful experience, sharing my excitement (which stems from confidence this time around) with my son at meeting our new baby. It wouldn’t have been the same if I wasn’t entirely ready for baby #2.
Wait until your heart is in it. You owe it to yourself and to your family. You’ll know when it’s time to start trying for the second. In the meantime, enjoy Noah on his own and soak up every minute of your time with him. It goes so fast.
Adrienne
May 11, 2012 at 11:10 pm
Aww… This is so me in every way!
Okay, okay, minus the first baby!
Nikki
May 12, 2012 at 12:23 am
I know who he’s waiting for. And I can’t WAIT to have him be their companion, role model, playmate, best friend <3
Emily
May 12, 2012 at 12:46 am
We didn’t plan our first pregnancy and with the second I really wanted to plan it as much as possible. We finally got the point that we knew we were ready for a second child and decided we’d start trying when our daughter was two. We found out we were pregnant 3 months before she turned two! We were so surprised, but this time it was such a great feeling. It was a completely different experience from our first, so joyful and exciting. When (if) you’re ready, you’ll know. Even though we “planned” when we wanted to get pregnant, we were at peace with the possibility before that time came.
Tiny Blue Lines
May 12, 2012 at 3:58 pm
That face is hard to resist!! What a cutie. I’m the same way Michelle, but I can honestly tell you I’m so glad I had two. The sight of seeing my two girls play together, and giggle together, and hold hands walking to the swings…it’s incredible knowing they will always have each other, you know?