04.11.12
We’ve now been married for 3 years and 4 months.
Our son is 3-years-and-2-months-old. (Ahem.)
I don’t say this so that you’ll assume we only got married because I was pregnant (partly true) or that I regret marrying him (not at all true), but because I know nothing about marriage without the context of parenting. Our decision to share a last name came from a place of practicality, not romance. And our commitment came from our decision to raise a child together, not from a signed document. To be honest, the idea of being “married” doesn’t hold nearly as much weight as the commitment of being co-parents and co-partners. Of wanting to create a stable and secure foundation for our family. Of wanting to model a healthy relationship for our children.
For us, that’s why divorce isn’t an option. And I don’t mean we’ll stay in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage for the “sake of the kids” — but I mean we’ll do everything to keep our marriage happy and healthy for the sake of our family. That’s what motivates us and keeps us in check.
That, and I love him very, very much.
I haven’t talked a lot about my husband or our marriage, besides my optimism about our young relationship. Yet, right now, it’s probably the biggest “thing” in my life. The “thing” that’s most on my mind. The “thing” that’s taking up the majority of my focus.
Mostly because I’m now realizing that I had no idea what the hell I was getting into.
What I didn’t fully understand is how drastically different marriage is from being boyfriend/girlfriend (or girlfriend/girlfriend or boyfriend/boyfriend). Maybe not in my day-to-day life (we had lived together for years), but in the way I have to think and behave in a marriage now that the long haul is up ahead. In the conscious effort it takes to strengthen a relationship over time rather than slowly deteriorate it.
I never understood why young couples got engaged. What’s the rush?, I’d think. What’s another 5 years of non-marital commitment? Just in case? I didn’t know why a signed piece of paper was so important to a couple without any shared financial investments or children to raise. What’s the harm in waiting?
Justin and I have both agreed that had we not gotten pregnant, we most likely wouldn’t be married right now. That’s not to say we wouldn’t be together, but most likely not married.
Frankly the odds are against us. Getting married before the age of 25 drastically increases our chances of getting divorced, and I’m sure getting married while simultaneously becoming first-time parents doesn’t help. This is something that I’m acutely aware of, and something that I have to work even harder to overcome. Yet we uncharacteristically took the traditional route and decided that a strong partnership would give our kids stability and security – and we’re committed to seeing that through.
That, and I love him very, very much.
There have been a lot of studies done lately about our generation and marriage. The New York Times recently reported that most women who give birth under that age of 30 aren’t married. The Pew Research Center found that the Millenial Generation feels that being a good parent is a higher priority than having a successful marriage. And the Obama Administration’s Comprehensive Report on the Status of American Women showed that traditional marriage is drastically changing, with (educated) women marrying later, or not at all.
Why did you or didn’t you marry? How important is marriage to you?
Is marriage different than you expected?
Photo: Etsy.com/ReadyGo
22 Comments to A Reason to Wed
Gemma
April 11, 2012 at 8:20 pm
My husband and I got engaged when we were 18 and married a little over two years later, just before our 21st birthdays. For me, getting married had very little to do with age and everything to do with who we were. We settled down early, getting most of our partying years out in high school. We meshed when we moved in together. We had similar upbringings and families who loved each other. We were(way) more mature than our peers. We had faith in our relationship as it changed through the five years leading up to marriage, and it was something we both wanted. For us, marriage was what we expected for the most part (though I totally agree with you on letting go of the socks sitting four feet away from the hamper). It’s been all about compromise and love, and so far it’s working for us.
Kristel
April 11, 2012 at 9:58 pm
I got married two weeks after my 23rd birthday and about three weeks before my husband’s 23rd birthday. Yep, we were young, but we were (and are) in love. We knew what kind of commitment marriage would take and we were ready. For us there was no reason to wait. When you know, you know. Why delay the inevitable? I didn’t want to miss a moment of my life without him as my husband.
Our marriage is extremely important to us. We have a baby now and, of course, we want to be good parents, it’s high up in the priority list. But we have to remember that we existed as a couple (and as a family) before the baby. And one day the baby is going to grow up and move on with his life. And it’ll be just the two of us again. So we have to work on things and keep each other high on the list of priorities.
Amy
April 11, 2012 at 11:06 pm
I wonder if how much being aware of the statistic will help us avoid it? I was married at 20 (our first son arrived at 22)and when I was engaged I read a lot about the divorce rates for younger marrieds. It’s made me more conscious about having to work on my marriage because we are ‘at risk’.
I’d love to be here with you in 60 years saying ‘Yes, We made it work!’.
Michelle
April 12, 2012 at 5:41 am
Getting married is important to me and I hope to be there sooner rather than later. I want a partner for life, totally committed to me. I did things in an odd order, I had a baby, fell in love, and now I am hoping to get married. Even still, it’s a major part of my future plans.
Michelle @Growing Mama
Chaunie
April 12, 2012 at 12:02 pm
I got married at 5 months preggo, definitely a shotgun wedding. It’s something that has been hard for me, out of the starting blocks of marriage and throwing parenthood on top of it 4 months later. It feels hard to never have had that “alone” time as a couple to get our foundation. I have wondered if we would have gotten married had I not been pregnant, but now, those thoughts seem counter-productive. Does it matter? This is my life now and it doesn’t help to wonder what could have been. Like you mentioned, we have to work even harder being young and parents to create a successful marriage. Sometimes, to keep me going, I think about how we will relate to each other once the kids are grown and gone. Will we still want to talk to each other? Spend time together? That relationship needs to be cultivated too, not just talking about whose turn it is to change the diaper! Michelle, I am loving this series, btw!!
Jane
April 12, 2012 at 12:05 pm
We’ve decided we don’t want to get married. We have no religious(We’re agnostic) or financial reason to do it and we both believe that it’s silly to think that marriage legitimizes a family. Nothing against anyone who is married, but we feel like we don’t need to share a last name or have a paper contract to prove our family is just as good as anyone else’s. I love my co-parent, We are completely committed to each other and plan on spending the rest of our lives together. We are, however,also realistic about life and know that just because you’re married, doesn’t mean you’re going to be together forever. I know far too many people who are divorced, or stuck in a miserable marriage for me to put any weight behind the piece of paper that is a marriage license. We may change our mind if our circumstances change, but for now we are happy, a lot happier then some married families I know, and that’s enough for us!
Emily
April 12, 2012 at 4:02 pm
My husband and I married at the ages of 20 (me) and 23 (him). He proposed on my 20th birthday and we were married two months later, I was four months pregnant. We were very in love with each other, and we had talked about getting married some day. However, we were both in college, and he was about to graduate. We’re both certain that if we had not gotten pregnant (a huge, world upsetting surprise for both of us) that we probably would not have stayed together purely because of the way things tend to happen when one person moves on to the next phase of their life and the other has to stay behind. So, four years later, we are both very grateful for the blessing that seemed so much like a tragedy at the time. At first, I wanted to live together instead of getting married, but now I am so thankful we didn’t. The instability of our young relationship combined with pregnancy hormones was challenging, and our determination, combined with the marriage commitment, held us together in the rough times. It’s so refreshing to read someone be totally honest about this.
I’ll admit, it’s hard for me to read other people’s comments about how they were married young and not because they were pregnant. I’m sure it stems mostly from my own insecurities, but to me it sounds like a boast, as if their marriage is that much more legitimate because they did things in the “proper order.” I love my husband and my two daughters so much, and I can’t imagine a future without them. My husband and I are stronger, more mature people as a result of how things occurred, but I always wonder if we’ll ever stop feeling like those “kids” who had a shotgun wedding.
Shannon
April 12, 2012 at 4:25 pm
My hubby and I had a unique start to our relationship…we had been friends since 2004 (truly just friends, not friends w/benefits)In 2007, we started hanging our more often, and in June of that year we became a couple. We moved in together by the 4th of July, and by the end of August, we were expecting our first child (we had both decided we want kids ASAP). Despite all the people who thought we were absolutely crazy, it worked out for us=) We now have two children, and are more in love than ever….which goes to show, sometimes following your heart,despite what others may think, pays off!!!
Michelle
April 12, 2012 at 4:34 pm
I was 23, wanted to have children young & even despite the ‘red flags’…. I really wanted that *Adult Merit Badge,* proof of my personal success, under my belt.
When I saw that the marriage was ending for sure, that is, when I found out that he was actually sharing an apartment with his pregnant girlfriend on those days that he was out of town “working,” I responded calmly because I was 5 months pregnant and determined not to upset my internal peace for the sake of my son. By the time I had the baby, he had the divorce planned and days afterwards papers were filed. But what he knew when he filed them, was that he never intended to let me move forward, he is always there. scheming. And the results have been tragic, heartbreaking for so many people around me. Sometimes I wonder if this is the Universe’s way of balancing things back out? Karmic?
If I’d waited, and gotten married not to show the world I was a grown up but because it was wholly and completely right, if I hadn’t ignored the voice inside of me that told me he wasn’t who he appeared to be, how would things have gone differently?
I’ll never know, but even though we weren’t meant to be, I believe our marriage was meant to have been. I learned some lessons, fast and hard. And above all, was blessed with two children who were definitely meant to be. <3
michellehorton
April 12, 2012 at 6:13 pm
I agree. I think about that a lot — how the kids will one day be gone, but he’ll still be by my side. We’ll have a long life to enjoy together once the kids are out (in our early 40s!), so it’s important for us to keep things fresh and happy.
michellehorton
April 12, 2012 at 6:15 pm
Yes! I’m with you, Amy! I think that the statistics are there for a very good reason, and it’s something we should definitely be aware of. Hopefully it will help!
michellehorton
April 12, 2012 at 6:18 pm
I very much understand that feeling, Chaunie. And I agree that those kinds of thoughts (which I’m assuming are normal for all marriages) are counterproductive. I feel like once we accept the choices we made and take divorce off the table, it can help us really focus on what matters and work to strengthen whatever needs to be strengthened, rather than think of “what if.”
michellehorton
April 12, 2012 at 6:20 pm
Finally! I was hoping at least one person would take this argument. If all of the studies and statistics are true, your logic is pretty normal nowadays.
michellehorton
April 12, 2012 at 6:22 pm
If there’s anything I’ve learned from starting this blog, it’s that the judgments you’re feeling most likely do stem from your own insecurities. Perhaps there is a little judgement on the other end, but more than likely they’re just defending themselves as well. I don’t believe in a “proper order” anyway.
It seems that things have worked out just as they were supposed to for you!
michellehorton
April 12, 2012 at 6:23 pm
I’m a big believer in following your gut. I know that my life wouldn’t be nearly as fulfilling if I didn’t take some major leaps of faith. Good for you, Shannon!
michellehorton
April 12, 2012 at 6:25 pm
I’m so sorry to hear that, Michelle. That’s absolutely terrible. I know I don’t know you, but that’s not karma — no one deserves to be treated the way you were. Especially not a mother of two small children. I’m sure you’ll find your happiness. It seems like karma is coming for HIM.
fancybob
April 12, 2012 at 7:49 pm
It’s funny – I started dating my husband at 17 right after starting college (he was 19 and a sophomore). We were married when I was 24 (so, not as young as most commenting here, but still young compared to most of my peers). Despite all that, our relationship did not change one iota after getting married. It didn’t feel any more “real” to us afterwards (we always joke that we just got married for other people and to have an excuse to throw a really big party). I think the difference is that we don’t enjoy the same things as most people our age. We didn’t go out to party much before we were married, and we weren’t the types to date around, either. Now I’m pregnant with our first, and we’re still ahead of the curve with everyone else our age that we know.
Elena
May 1, 2012 at 2:35 pm
I want to start of by saying, I ran across your website on Facebook and I have to say, it is nothing short of amazing! Your point of view is so genuine, positive and realistic. Although, I was 25 with a baby-unmarried, I still felt outcasted in many ways within the mom community. People can tend to immediately feel sorry for you or look down on you if you are not married, without even knowing your true situation.
10 years later, I am still together, co-parenting with a loving man and father, we are the happy parents of three healthy children and have a really, great life together as a family.
I am happy to see your empowering blog of thoughts, ideas, and views on motherhood and all it’s variations.
michellehorton
May 1, 2012 at 6:48 pm
Thanks Elena!
americanabroad
July 31, 2012 at 12:22 pm
I got married recently, and could not be happier about it. My husband and I had known each other as acquaintances for a long time, but had only been dating for a few months before we got engaged.
There are so many reasons why we got married! Mostly, though, I think that’s just where we were and are in life. We were both just finished fooling around and, as he likes to say, playing. We were ready to commit seriously.
After about two weeks of dating this man, too, I knew he was the one I wanted to be with. No one else has ever done so much to help me realize my own potential, to support me in everything I do, to encourage me. He doesn’t make me feel good, he helps me to figure out how to make myself feel good. I am the best version of myself with him, and I do the same for him – so he says!
I live abroad, though, and one factor of our decision to get married was that, given our individual future plans and hopes, we would not have been able to physically be together had I decided not to stay exactly where I am, due to immigration laws. If we had not gotten married (a decision we knew we wanted to make anyway) when we did, we would have either had extremely limited options of places to live, or would have had to end our relationship. That was simply not an option for either of us.
We have taken a lot of harsh judgement for our decision – people telling me that marrying so young is a mistake, or that I’m being taken advantage of for immigration reasons. I say, they can judge all they want, because my heart fills with joy every time I see my husband, and I cannot imagine my life without him and his undying support.
Emma
November 30, 2012 at 2:46 pm
I got married at 25 and my husband was 29. We had both been in previous relationships and we met things were just different (way better) than they had ever been with anyone else. We felt connected immediately and formed a bond quite instantly. We were engaged after 8 months and married on our 2 year anniversary. It just felt absolutely right to get married. We wanted to officially build our life together.
Thanks for this great site. I am truly enjoying everything everyone has to comment!
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