04.11.12
As I alluded to in my last post, being a wife is a lot different than I had imagined — 22 years old, standing in the courthouse with my 8-month-pregnant belly bulging from my brown dress. Just as every little girl dreams.
Three years later, I’ve learned a lot. Mostly that I still have a lot to learn.
As a girlfriend, you want to get comfortable, right? To make sure he’ll love you no matter what. He’ll say you look cute in sweats. He prefers you without makeup. You ask about exes and maybe even let your jealousy (or anger or any other unattractive emotion) go unchecked, juuuust to see what happens.
But as a wife, you suddenly realize that you’re going to grow old with this person — in all its wrinkled, sagging, grey-streaked glory. So why waste your youth in sweats? You suddenly realize that this person will be sitting across from you at the dining room table for the rest of your everloving life, so it’s more important to keep the peace than test your limits.
It’s hard to tell whether I’m learning how to be in a marriage or I’m learning how to be in an adult relationship — because they’re one in the same for me. And the pair of little eyes looking up at us, absorbing our words and habits as social norms, is even more reason to grow up. And fast.
At the risk of publishing something that I’ll laugh at it in 10 years (oh the naivety!), here are 15 things I do or think, in an effort to sustain my young marriage:
1. I freshen up my makeup before he comes home.
2. I’m very conscious not to say harsh, mean comments to him — even in the heat of the moment. Damaging his self-esteem has no place in our marriage, and I expect the same in return.
3. I’m also conscious not to say mean things about him to other people — especially friends. Girlfriends have a tendency to vent about their boyfriends, and then feel conflicted when their friends then hate their boyfriends. More than that, it’s a matter of respect.
4. Justin and I are very clear on being a United Front when it comes to Noah. No undermining, no badmouthing each other, no questioning the other’s authority, etc. I took this example from the Huxtables. I’m not even kidding.
5. I’m starting to accept his faults rather than dwell on them. There’s an interesting shift that happens when you realize that a situation isn’t going to change: you change the way you deal with the situation — proactively and logically. For me, that’s marriage. Quickly finding a solution instead of bitching and nagging. Or maybe that’s just growing up. Regardless, this has been a game changer for me.
6. I save my pretty dresses for when he’s home on the weekends. Not to impress him, but because I want to feel pretty around him. Looking good makes me feel good, which makes me a happier person to be with.
7. I make sure he’s heard. For a while Justin felt like his voice didn’t matter — especially when raising our son. Maybe it’s because we’re young, or maybe it’s just the personalities in my family, or maybe it’s just the realities of being a parent, but people haven’t been shy about voicing their opinions— whether it’s what kind of diapers we use or where we spend holidays. But it’s important that my loyalty is to my husband over my other family members, and to remember that we’re a partnership inside of the village-like team that’s taken to help us out. His voice needs to have just as much weight as my own. Period.
8. To keep our separate identities, separate interests, and separate opinions. I never want either of us to lose ourselves in the other, or to invest all of our happiness in each other. My happiness is entirely up to me.
9. One of the biggest changes happened when I stopped expecting things from him. I stopped expecting him to pick up his godforsaken clothes off the floor when the hamper is four steps to the left. I stopped expecting him to compliment me on my housework efforts. I stopped expecting him to split all of the chores and parenting responsibilities 50-50 down the middle. I do things for myself.
10. Along the same lines, I finally accepted that just because he doesn’t do things the way I want them done, or at the exact moment I want them done, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t do them well. This has been a huge thing for me to learn and accept, and it’s still an ongoing effort on my part.
11. I buy prettier things to wear to bed.
12. He has strengths and I have strengths — in parenting as well as marriage — and just because they’re not the same doesn’t make them any less valid.
13. I’ve been recognizing my faults and working hard to be a better person — not just as a wife, or as a mother, but as a person. They mostly center on my control and stress issues, so I’m making a genuine effort — and that’s the best I can do.
14. I don’t care how much work I have to do, I can always spare time for some trashy Bravo with him. Always and forever. (Alone time in general is a top priority.)
15. Be kind.
Of course I’m not a perfect wife or a perfect person. Some of these are works in progress — goals that I strive toward. But I’m trying. And even though marriage requires more of a conscious effort than I ever imagined, I think it ultimately can result in a healthier relationship and a healthier self. At least I’m hoping.
What are some of the things you’ve learned in your marriage? What are the important rules you live by? What do I have completely wrong?
Photos: Etsy.com/YellowHeartArt, Etsy.com/MicheleMaule, Pinterest/Early Mama, Pinterest/Jessie Di
23 Comments to 15 Ways To Better Wifedom?
noemi
April 11, 2012 at 7:36 pm
I too was 8m pregnant and 21 when we got married. Your #8 truly hit home. It is something that we are working at constantly. We did get to the point where our happiness completely depended on each other. Then we had some trouble and I felt completely lost. So now I try to make myself happy seperate from him, and I ecourage him to do the same. I want us to be two seperate indeviduals whole love each other. But, your list is a nice reminer that marriage is constant work and not just magic.
Tiny Blue Lines
April 11, 2012 at 8:02 pm
This is really profound Michelle! I definitely have found that working on myself is key–it’s so hard starting out young, as parents right away, to look to my husband for happiness. I’ve definitely been learning to focus on finding my own happiness and being clear about what I want–whether that’s a new job or just an hour to myself. They can’t read our minds, and it’s not a failure or a fault to ask for what makes us happy. I also like how you mentioned freshening up for your hubs–although I don’t do it at the moment, it always makes me feel better to make some sort of effort with my appearance!
Kristel
April 11, 2012 at 10:02 pm
These are all great! Such a good reminder to me in my own young marriage. Thank you for sharing.
Elizabeth Rago
April 12, 2012 at 11:52 am
You are wise beyond your years, my friend! Excellent, excellent post. #3 is so important. I often hear my friends badmouthing their spouses and I usually encourage them to talk to their spouse about their “concerns”. I hate the word “venting” and feel this is an excuse for not hitting a problem head on, you know?
Peter and I have a code word we say to one another when one of us is frustrated and losing it. It’s “pineapple”. What a silly word, which completely derails our emotional state, makes us smile and opens up communication…
Great piece!
E
Nichole
April 12, 2012 at 4:21 pm
thanks so much for sharing this. im 22 with a 5 month old and been married 2 years. Our first year was horrible and the second year was alot better until deployment. since hes returned home its been down hill ever since and we are struggling, this has opened my eyes to alot of things im doing wrong but never realized. Thanks again.
Kelly
April 12, 2012 at 5:38 pm
This is one of my favorite pieces by you! Wonderfully put and made me take some notes for my own life!
michellehorton
April 12, 2012 at 6:02 pm
Noemi: I think that’s one of my biggest, most important realizations, too. Not just in marriage, but with anything in life.
michellehorton
April 12, 2012 at 6:07 pm
Thank you! And I completely agree with you. I was raised with the idea that it’s healthy to get your emotions out and not bottle them up, which I can definitely understand, but I think it’s just as important to remember that when something is said, it can’t be unsaid. Perhaps that’s where a therapist comes in — someone to “vent” to, just to get the feelings out, acknowledge them, and move on.
And I love your code word! Ha!
michellehorton
April 12, 2012 at 6:08 pm
I’m so happy this helped you, Nichole!
michellehorton
April 12, 2012 at 6:09 pm
Thank you Kelly!!
michellehorton
April 12, 2012 at 6:11 pm
I agree. I used to think it was so silly for women to get primped for “their man.” I remember watching Julia Roberts on Oprah (or somewhere) a long time ago, and she said she used to pinch her cheeks when she heard her husband coming in, to give herself a rosy glow. I thought it was so ridiculous and a sign of insecurity — but now I get it.
fancybob
April 12, 2012 at 7:35 pm
I definitely agree with the items about not complaining about your spouse to others and about putting up a united front for your son. One other thing that I’m working on is sort of a combination of those 2 things. I try to make sure that, when dealing with others in general (particularly my parents), I support his opinions and thoughts when he expresses them. If I disagree, I take it up with him in private after the fact. I know that it makes my husband feel like we are more of a team and gives him confidences that, when our son is born, we can be a united front for him as well. This was something we used to struggle with a lot, especially because my mother is a very opinionated woman, and it is very easy to get sucked into her way of thinking without stopping to listen to anyone else. He never felt like his opinion mattered and that he was always just getting dragged along for the ride.
michellehorton
April 12, 2012 at 7:38 pm
Oh fancybob. Story of my life. We’re dealing with the very same issue.
Jenna
April 15, 2012 at 11:56 am
Thank you for this post, will be married for 5 yrs in june with 2 little ones,had some up and some downs but one thing is true marriage is & always will be work
i will be working on some of the things you have listed, def #’s 9&10!
Aviva
April 17, 2012 at 12:44 am
This is an amazing list – I highly doubt you or anyone will look back on this in 10 years and laugh. These are things that (I imagine) are important no matter how long you’ve been married.
My biggest challenge right now is making our marriage about us as a couple and not just about us as parents/ our kids, and so many things on your list are geared toward that. So thank you.
Jessica
April 17, 2012 at 2:14 am
This is such an AWESOME post. Seriously. I’ve been married for almost five years. We got married at 22. We’re both still learning, but we’re on solid ground, which is nice. I’m going to share this on Facebook now!
Kat
April 20, 2012 at 8:11 pm
I got married at 19, so I feel like a lot of these things were just growing up as well. But I do treat our relationship and each other a lot more carefully than i did when I was younger. We try to work together and not against each other. There’s no point in a battle if it will only hurt each other at the end of a day. We are more open and accepting to conflicting opinions. We both want to improve ourselves as people not just for each other but for ourselves. It’s definitely a much more laid back relationship drama wise but our marriage is a big deal and we treat it with care.
Lizzie
July 31, 2012 at 12:11 pm
I love this post! I just turned 25 got got married this past December. Not only am I married young (and couldn’t be happier about it!), but my husband and I come from very, very different countries and cultures. It has been a challenge to not only accept the differences that every person has, but to get used to learning and exchanging instead of butting heads. There are things that we both do that the other doesn’t understand. Instead of getting angry, we ask questions and try to learn from each other.
I love what you said about not expecting, too. I grew up with this idea that every married couple has to split housework and such things 50/50 – and I am simply learning that this is not the case, we have to split up work in a way that works for us! My husband doesn’t particularly like to cook, and I really like it. Therefore, I cook most of the time. For a while I thought that it made me some horrible unempowered antifeminist to cook for my husband – and then realized that no, this is just what works ut for us both!
There are some things that he doesn’t do just as I would like – as I’m certain there are things I don’t do just as he would like. But you are so right when you say that you can’t change how people are or how they act, you can only change your own response to the situation. If I bitch and moan when my husband does something I don’t like, we won’t get anywhere. I choose to be kind about it, and encourage instead of discourage.
I also have learned to let a lot of things slide. If my husband comes home a little later than planned because he was out seeing a good friend, is it really worth it for me to reprimand him for it? NO! Maybe I had to wait a little bit toput dinner on, but my husband was having a nice time doing something with someone he cares about! Letting small things slide has been really important, for both of us I’m sure. Trying to understand rather than trying to change.
Lizzie
July 31, 2012 at 12:12 pm
Oops, an add-on!! I also DEFINITELY agree on not complaining about your husband to others – this is SO IMPORTANT! So many female friends try to get me caught up in the boyfriend venting, and I have to remember that my husband is no longer my boyfriend – he is my family, and I owe him the respect of talking to HIM about any problems I may have with him.
Miranda Gonzales
October 27, 2012 at 10:31 pm
This was so helpful today. More so than ever before. Some of things mentioned I’ve thought of before (pretty things to wear to bed, looking good for him (and me) on the weekends, etc.), but some other stuff hit home a little harder now that baby is here. Thanks!
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