If you follow over on Facebook, you saw the article I posted called 7 Things Never To Say To A First-Time Mom Over 40. I think it’s important to recognize that mothers on all points of the spectrum can feel insecure and offended — not just us.
But I also decided to make a list of my own:
7 Things Never to Say to a First-Time Mom Under 25
1. You look like a baby yourself!!!!
I’ve heard this more times than I can count, and I cringe every time. (I’ve also heard these a lot: “You look too young to have a baby!” and “You look like you’re in high school!”) I know one day I’ll be thankful for comments like that, but not yet. It has this way of making us feel insecure — like we need to defend ourselves, or wear a sign saying NOT A TEEN MOM.
2. When are you getting married?
If there isn’t a ring on my finger, you probably shouldn’t ask. Yet family and strangers alike felt the need to lead in with this question almost immediately after hearing the news — as if signing those documents are an important, unavoidable prerequisite to parenthood. We don’t need more pressure and stress right now.
3. Are you the nanny, or…?
And this is usually followed with, “You look like a baby!!!”/”You look like you’re in high school!”/”You look too young to have a baby!” Or even a worse, a pity-filled, eyebrow-raised “Ohhhh…how niiiice…” as they search your face for an age.
4. At least you’re a MILF.
(….uncomfortable smile….) I know this is usually just a joke — but it’s a weird thing to say. So don’t.
5. I never could’ve been a mom when I was ____. I was so happy I could _____, and ______, and ______ in my 20s. I really needed those years.
Are you trying to defend your own choices? Or are you really just that insensitive?
6. Was it planned?
I got more questions than I got congratulations during my pregnancy — and this one, in particular, was often said when the word “congratulations” would be more appropriate. And although mine wasn’t planned per se, there are young mothers out there who actively chose this path. Yet by the way this question is emphasized, an answer of “yes” would only prompt more questions and astonished looks.
7. Wow, how old are you?
I have to admit, I used to get anxiety anticipating this question — which is why I started to lie.
***
Anything to add?
Yah – I’ve been there. The “Was It Planned” one has shown up in different forms however.
I have gotten all of these! Thanks for sharing!
[...] 7 Things Never to Say to a First-Time Mom Under 25 (EarlyMama): I’ve written lists like these, and my most viewed YouTube video is this one: [...]
I totally understand. I use to get where is your brother at? LOL! And your to young to have a child that age. I still get that and I am in my 30′s. I just say I am really not that young, I guess I still have a baby face
haha i totally used to lie too ( and when I say used to, I still do sometimes) even now that I’m almost 26 and pregnant (had my first at 21) if I’m without my I will STILL get the “you are way to young to be having a baby” I just love seeing the looks on their face when I tell them I have a 4 year old as well.
@Darlene: I know what you mean. At first, when I was 22, I felt so insecure and embarrassed. But now it’s just amusing to me. I definitely think this community here has helped me feel more confident, too.
I’ve gotten all of these comments, except the milf…that’s kinda creepy to say that to someone lol. Some of these I still get, usually about how I look like I should be in high school. I just tell them to wait until I’m 40 to tell me that.
I’m 25 and pregnant with #1. I dread the look of surprise and confusion that spreads across others’ faces when they realize I’m pregnant. I shouldn’t care so much, but the, “Gosh… you’re young! You guys just wanted to get started early, I guess? Are you still going to work?” questions wear on me!
My boyfriend and I went in for the first ultrasound on the 25th, and the first question that the tech asked us is why we weren’t married. When we answered “Um, no money? We’re both still working students.” He just raised his eyebrows, said “Oh…”, and carried on. Although it’s probably just my hormones being out of whack, it really bugs me when people ask us about our age and marital status. It feels almost as if they’re implying that we’re making a mistake by having our first baby at 23. We’re nervous enough as it is! =)
I was in my late 20s when my daughter was born, and I still got all of these kinds of comments (except for the MILF one!). What struck me was how much the people around me genuinely believed this was an okay way to talk to — and about — me; for example, a friend at work said casually in conversation, “oh, my husband and I were talking about whether or not you planned this.” I was aghast to discover that not only did she wonder, but she thought it was almost like her right to do so.
On the other hand, because this was a planned, desperately longed-for pregnancy, I know I’ve become really defensive about that particular point. I’m trying to get over that, but waking up to discover that everyone thought that my agonized-over, much-wanted child was the product of some moment of indiscretion (with my husband!) was a bit…abrupt!
Oof. I’ve gotten all of these! I despise “babies having babies!” I’m not a baby. But I’ll appreciate it when I’m 35!
The worst, that I get ALL the time, as a graduate student, is “Oh, but what about your career? You were so successful!” Equally frustrating is the assumption that I’ll jam my kiddo in daycare and resume parenting in a few years.
How have you all dealt with these reactions?
Thanks for such a relevant topic! (and your blog makes me SO happy!)
I’m 26, but I’m not sure what this is supposed to “mean”. I don’t feel neither young nor old, but I’m not the 30+ age that most women around here seem to be when they decide to settle down. The inappropriate question I’ve received most (and I’m sad to say it has been more than once) is “are you keeping it?”. What a truly awful thing to say to someone.
“Wow! I don’t know how you do it!” (largely because I’m also a full-time professional student plus part time employee, but sometimes just when people realize I’m 27 and have a nearly 4 year old). Right. because I really planned to have a total change of heart about my career while 20 weeks pregnant at age 22 that required an addition 6-7 years of college. Often followed with the “Was she planned?” comment, to which I say, “yes. That kid is the only part of the original plan that’s still working out!”
I’m 26 and currently pregnant with my first child, but I look very young so I always get people that are like “wow a baby having a baby” or “where is your husband/father at?” Its very annoying especially the last comment since I’m going through a divorce.
UGH!!!! I hate the “Was it planned” question too! Or, “Was it an accident?” First, babies aren’t “accidents” or “oops” they can be “surprises” imo. Most of myfriends and my YOUNGER brother and his wife are anti-baby before 5 years of marriage. Hubs and me were set on being parents, and will be happy to welcome our child 5 months after our first wedding anniversary
Why do people make me feel like we have to defend our choices?
My experience is one that relates to #2. I had my daughter at age 23, and I’m now pregnant with my second (the gender will be a surprise!). I will have just turned 26 once this one arrives. The father of both my children is my boyfriend of 5 years. We plan to get married eventually, we just haven’t been in a hurry to figure out the details, but since I don’t have a ring on my finger, MANY people have asked me (once they find out this current baby I’m carrying is my second child) if the father of the baby is the same as my 2-year-old. SERIOUSLY?! WHO asks these things? It could just be indicative of today’s societal norms, and there is nothing wrong with having a child fathered by different men, but WHY on Earth would you be so bold as to ask that question?
Totally understand the age thing. Some people think I am 12, others say 17. I have to watch what I say because I’ll randomly yell out, “I’m 20!!!”. Whoops!
For the fist time the other day, I was asked if my daughter was my little brother… Oh gosh…
There should be a list like this for men! My husband had just turned 20 when our first was born and will turn 22 just days before our second comes (unless she comes early!) Most people are surprised to learn he is married, let alone a father of (almost) 2. People say some strange things!