10.11.11
I was waiting on line at the drug store when a middle-aged woman (45? 48? 50?) walked in through the automatic doors toting a young toddler on her hip. The two 40-something women in front of me exchanged glances.
“Do you think she’s the mom or the Grandma?” one woman whispered.
“You can never tell these days,” replied the other. “It’s just wrong to have babies that old.” (She practically spit the word “wrong.”)
After I finished paying, I passed by that same mom-and-child duo standing on a different line. The child, maybe 2 years old, took the woman’s face in her hands — her tiny fingers wrapped in grey-streaked hair — and kissed her on her cheek. Then the other. They both giggled, exchanging I love yous and probably more kisses, as I walked out.
I don’t know if that woman was her mother. Or her grandmother. Or her aunt. Or her nannie. But it crosses people’s minds, doesn’t it? Probably more than we know, considering most of our judgments are bottled up in our heads, passing through so quickly and instinctively that we don’t even know they’re coming. Those two chatty women in the drug store had acted almost offended when whispering about the “older mom,” as if it directly affected their lives.
Although I’ve shared my opinion about purposefully getting pregnant at a much older age, I honestly don’t think that older mothers are lesser mothers. You might think that they have less energy, that they’re less healthy, that they have a shorter time to live, but unless you know those things about a particular mom, those assumptions make me cringe. These things might be true for a bulk of older moms, but there are absolutely exceptions. How do I know this? Because we’re exceptions.
Women silently judge you and assume that youth equals immaturity. That you don’t have the money to support a child, the wisdom to share with a child, the ambition to be successful. They assume that you were irresponsible, naive, reckless — possibly all three. Strangers think a young face means teen mom, and teen moms end up on welfare, jail or television. And even on a very basic level, your non-parent friends might slightly pity you for your lack of freedom and funds.
I want to be clear: Just because we share why being a young mom can be pretty rad — despite the assumptions and the growing trend to do otherwise — that doesn’t mean that it’s a universally better situation. There are reasons to be grateful (our fertility! our youthful bodies! our abundance of years ahead!), but older women have lists of their own — as they should. Because every mother, every woman, deserves to feel support and encouragement in her choices. What’s right for them, isn’t right for us. Logically it goes both ways.
All we know — all that we can know — is that our younger age doesn’t automatically make us unfit parents. Logically it goes both ways.
8 Comments to Pots and Kettles
Tiny Blue Lines
October 11, 2011 at 7:20 pm
I can honestly say that I have never judged older mothers, much to my relief. My attitude is more power to them–I’m tired enough for all of us.
Anjie
October 11, 2011 at 7:30 pm
Agreed!
Kelly Brady
October 11, 2011 at 7:46 pm
Bravo!!
K. C.
October 11, 2011 at 8:40 pm
Love it! I always try to remind myself that everyone has a story.
lilly
October 11, 2011 at 8:40 pm
I’m super glad that you wrote this because I definitely catch myself judging older moms all the time. I live in Europe and almost every Italian woman that I know (my friends) did even consider having children until they were in their late thirties and they claim that most of their friends are just now considering children in their 40′s. I am an early mama, a successful, driven, and empowered early mama. Just like my own mother. (And I’m damn proud of it!) So here, I definitely am the exception, here in Europe, I am the one that’s an anomaly, not the 50 year old in the OB’s office, ME! I think for a long time this caused some prejudice for me. But I’ve come to realize, that you really are only as old as you feel when it comes to parenting. Being a “Late” mama was never in the cards for me, but more power to those who procreate late.
Ellen Gazi
October 11, 2011 at 10:33 pm
I’m an “older” mom. I had my daughter a year ago at 41. She is a healthy bright 1 year old. More and more woman are having babies later. God brought my baby along at the perfect time. I honestly think I have an advantage over young moms in many ways. I’m calmer, more at peace and not so idealistic as many young moms seem to be. I have very few fears about motherhood. I think more woman should start later in life honestly. God is faithful either way, all we have to do is rely on Him for guidance. Sarah in the Bible was 90 years old and she brought forth Issac.
Jeanne
October 12, 2011 at 1:57 pm
Well said. Judging the other way just drives home this mentality that one is somehow better instead of accepting that all women parent differently and have different lives.
Rachel VC
May 29, 2012 at 4:30 pm
While I 100% respect your choice to wait until the right time in YOUR life to begin growing your family and sharing your love with a child, the end of your post seems to go against what Michelle is saying here. I am 28, have been married for almost 5 years, have an 18-month-old daughter, and I would say that, aside from financial concerns, I had very few fears about motherhood. I am also “calmer, more at peace and not so idealistic” as many of the moms I meet – not young moms, not old moms, just moms. I think we have to stop judging each other as parents based on age and realize that everyone has flaws and strengths that often do not go away simply because _____ number of years have passed. It’s more about whether you can rise to the occasion of being a mother, no matter what you were before you met your child.