If I had to pinpoint the most difficult part of my “early” experience, it would be that I took on every single adult role at the same exact time. I was a wife, a mother and a full-time employee all in a matter of months. And sometimes when I’m feeling overwhelmed, I remind myself that most women don’t do this all at once. Most have at least a year or two for their current roles to sink in. Most have a firm grasp on one situation before jumping into the next. But it happened so fast for me — so unexpectedly — that the first year was a little bit like fumbling around in the dark, feeling our way from one day to the next. And while it was certainly daunting to launch my career with so many competing responsibilities, I poured the majority of my energy and thoughts into the most uncharted, unfamiliar role of them all: mother.
But saying my vows? That was the easy part.
While I married younger than I ever imagined I would, I still had my fair share of relationships, flings, disappointing men. And while many would say it’s impossible for me to have truly experienced men before making my life-long choice, I didn’t have any desire to explore further. I still don’t. By the time my now-husband and I settled in together — after living together for a few years, talking about our futures — I learned a lot about myself and how to sustain a healthy relationship. What I didn’t realize was how different my role as girlfriend would be to my role as wife — and how much more difficult it is than my role as mother.
Maybe I shouldn’t say more difficult, because motherhood certainly requires more sacrifice, more discipline, more time. But I’ve come to realize that being a good mother is largely intuitive. We’re biologically hardwired to do this job — despite the blogs and articles and never-ending advice. But being a good wife? I mean, we all know what it means to be a good mother — but what does it mean to be a good wife?
If the Internet existed 60 years ago, I’d be willing to bet that women would be talking more about their role as “wife” rather than their role as “mother.” But where are the inspirational blogs on keeping a marriage strong and happy? Where are the how-tos on keeping a relationship healthy? They’re buried under pregnancy guidelines, baby tutorials, parenting hot-topics, motherhood forums, discussions about poop and vomit and milestones. And of course under complaints about “DH” not pulling his weight.
Does anyone else find this slightly silly? As much as we pretend this isn’t true, marriages and partnerships don’t have that element of unconditionality. We can snap at our siblings, get attitude-y with our parents, punish our kids — but they’ll always love us, no matter what. (And as long we’re not beating or ignoring or being completely irresponsible, our kids will be fine — whether we sleep trained or not.) Can we say the same about our partners? Will they always love us no matter what?
Yet a marriage is the easiest responsibility to ignore. When tantrums are raging, dishes are piling and deadlines are looming, it’s easy to put our husbands on the back burner. It’s easy to snap about housework. It’s easy to spend money on useless baby gadgets rather than sexy lingerie.
And at the end of the day (life), it’s all about love, love, love. And I don’t mean from our children — because they’ll inevitably grow up and find love of their own. And don’t we want it to be a happy love? A fulfilled love? I think teaching my son how to respect a partner, treat a partner, love a partner is one of my highest responsibilities. And that starts with making my husband, our relationship, one of my highest priorities. For me, being a wife is harder because the stakes are higher.
Which role do you find more challenging: Wife or Mother?
I 100 % agree. I found that a mother was something I was almost Made to be. It came ‘ easy’ for me. I had zero problem putting my infant before myself 100% of the time. I didn’t mind that he demanded me every second he was awake. And when he was sleeping I didn’t mind cleaning up after him, pumping to feed him or anything baby related. But cleaning up after my husband? That wasn’t something I did so willingly. It took a lot more work to do that.
Whew. I couldn’t disagree more. And I think this is where some maturity would make a big difference. Mothering isn’t as intuitive as you may think, most of our actions are largely influenced by the way we were raised and the expectations of the culture around us. And if you “punish” your kids, that is absolutely not unconditional love. You say “We can snap at our siblings, get attitude-y with our parents, punish our kids but they’ll always love us, no matter what.” This is really naive. Treating the people that have a responsibility to take care of you and you have a responsibility to take care of badly just because they won’t leave you doesn’t mean they will always love you. Do you think your parents, siblings, and kids experience love when you treat them that way? I think our partners just reflect a different reality to us, showing that it isn’t ok to treat another adult like that and expect them to stay and love you. I hope with some more research and wisdom you will be able to see that it is mothering that requires more of you and that your partnership should be a commitment between two adults who enhance each others lives and devote their unconditional love to their children.
Sarah, I’m sorry but for me, in my experience, nurturing a child, unconditionally loving a child, is more intuitive than nurturing a relationship. There is a higher level of unconditionality with a child than with a husband. You have to work harder at keeping a relationship healthy than you do at loving and caring and teaching a child. For ME, that all came very naturally. If that wasn’t the same for you, then that wasn’t the same for you. Not everyone is a natural mother. As for the punishment part, I don’t mean locking them in a dark room. I mean setting boundaries and making rules, which is a universal part of parenting. They might not LIKE you in the moment when you say, “No, you can’t have cookies before breakfast,” but yes, they’ll always love you. When your child yells, “I HATE YOU!” are you telling me you don’t love them in that moment? But if your husband kept yelling “I HATE YOU….”
I think the healthiest marriages do take work. Yes you are both adults and committed to each other, but it takes me personally, more effort and thinking, to be a Good Wife. To remember to do what my husband has asked of me, to ask how his day was and to really listen. I know I have too often put him and our relationship on the back burner, becuase of my toddler daughter’s needs and that she can’t take care of herself and my husband can. All relationships need nourishing: parent-kid, sibling, marriage, but being a wife doesn’t come as “naturally” as being a momm daughter or sister has. Bravo to you Sarah if it has, that’s awesome!
LOVE this, Michelle! I did the same is you in that I took on the role of mom, wife, and new employee all at once. I am absolutely guilty of letting my marriage take the back burner.
This entire article hit the nail on the head for me. I actually advocate putting your marriage before your children, only because I think one of THE most important things you can do for your children is to show them what a healthy, loving relationship looks like.
This is a reminder that I’m not practicing what I preach and what I believe. Thanks.
Being a wife is by far harder for me than being a mother. I grew up sure I was never going to have kids, or get married. I lived in a home with my mother and my grandmother. I had absolutely no example in my house of what a man and wife relationsihp should be. My mother worked hard for us and then came home to take care of her mother and I. So my relationships with women are strong and healthy, and I know how to keep them that way. I had to learn a lot, and I am still learning, about how to be a wife and a partner. My husband and I had a child much eariler than we expected and being a mom was second nature to me.
I also think putting your relationship first before your children is very important as Amber said. Being someone who has had to learn from nothing on how to be a wife and partner, I want my son and daughter to have a great example of how it should be. How to have a loving and lasting relationship is by far the best knowledge you can pass down to your children. You said it perfectly, “being a wife is harder because the stakes are higher”.
Great piece.
I have to wonder if some of the feelings we all seem in this area have to do with how our generation was raised. Like many folks who are now in their mid-twenties, I have divorced parents. Looking back, I’d say there was no question that they poured way more energy into me and my brother than they ever did into their relationship, and I’m sure that contributed to their downfall. I could be wrong about this, but I think that attitude (kids first, partners second) was sort of the norm in the era they got married and started a family.
Now, I think things are starting to swing the other way. A lot of us, as evidenced in the comments above, see the value of putting your marriage first to provide a solid foundation for your child. But what does that look like? Many of us have no problem figuring out what it means to be a good parent, because we’ve seen it from our own parents from day one. But to be a good spouse? For those of us who grew up without a model for that relationship, it can take a lot more trial and error to figure it out.
You know, Michelle, it would be really nice if you would get our of my head
You are SO reading my mind with every blog post! I am in the same situation – everything at once – and it is SO HARD. WAY WAY WAY easier to be a momma than a wifey.
Hi, I just read your blog for the first time and this article really resonated with me. You are so right about motherhood being a naturally intuitive role. I’ve been dealing with the idea of balance and trying to remember that my husband is also an important part of my life, not just my son. It’s so difficult with family, personal desires and other responsibilities to remember that love is most important. Thanks for the article and I’ll be back to read more.