I’ve had this article bookmarked on my computer for awhile now and I keep passing by it while searching through my toolbar. It’s about a 22-year-old single girl named Emmie who found out she was pregnant right before starting a demanding graduate program in a city that’s three hours away from her family and friends. She wrote into the New York Times’ Motherload blog asking for advice. (This was back in 2009, mere months after I had my own baby at 22 years old.)
The comments flooded in, mostly telling her how difficult, even impossible, her situation seemed. Empathetic commenters said they had an abortion at 19, 21, 23 years old and it was absolutely the right decision. One woman wrote that she was the product of a young mom, and although she was glad to be born, she sensed regret from her mother — and it wasn’t an easy road, of course. Even pro-life commenters (who were staunchly against abortion) urged her to consider adoption. Many, many, many comments said something along the lines of: I had my baby in my mid-30s and it was way harder than I could have imagined, even with support. Another large segment of the comments encouraged her to either choose between termination or adoption because she’d have many more opportunities to have children — and do it the right way.
I read through the majority of the 814 comments, and not one gave her encouragement or even perspective from a young mom. And definitely not successful professional young moms, which the comment thread seemed to assume could never exist.
Here’s just one example from the hundreds I could choose from (which happens to be from a man):
Your life will be ruined if you have the child
You will not adequately be able to take care of the child
I have been involved in two aboritions in my life and nigher mother felt that they had done the wrong thing
Both mothers were able to get on in thier lives and follow the paths that they wanted fo follow -Michael
And there are many responses like this:
Secure your futre now. Its more difficult if you miss it now.
You can not be a mom and exel in college. One has to give
Difficult but you have to be more objective and rational than emotional.
Simply put, termination or adoption are the only two options.
Dont even think of raisning the baby on your own. Too high a price …
Termination is easier and simpler that would be my advice.
If you can identify adotion options .. explore it. But it is more taumatic handing over your child of few days to some one else.
What ever you do decide quickly.
Good luck and my prayers - Vaidy
Emmie decided to terminate her pregnancy.
To be fair, her situation was difficult.It’s easy for me to say it’s possible to persistently follow your dreams when my own professional goals (writing/editing) have blended so well with motherhood. I took big risks, yes, but I also didn’t have 20 hours of classes + 20 hours of field work a week, plus demanding professors and zero support. If I wanted to become a surgeon or a lawyer then I might have had to defer (or downplay) my professional ambitions. And I’m not traveling the world writing about human rights and political situations (as I once imagined); I’m writing about babies and breastfeeding. Yet I know what it feels like to work so hard throughout school, to be on the brink of a dream career, and to then have an unexpected pregnancy uproot everything I thought I needed — only to bring me the success and happiness that I never would have had otherwise. (I would have told her that.) And Emmie also mentioned that part of her field work was working with government programs and charity organizations that helped others — something that could have been further fueled by the passion and purpose of motherhood. (I would have told her that too.)
The thing that really gets me was her lack of support. Besides the fact that she had no baby daddy in the picture, her friends and family were three hours away and her close friends started to slink away as they learned about the pregnancy. To be a young single mom going through the rigors of a prestigious graduate program and the turbulent newborn phase without anyone to hand off the baby to? That’s unfathomable to me.
As young moms with happy stories, we are the minority of the minority. Perhaps Emmie could have joined us and realized new dreams and new ambitions. Or maybe Emmie would have been forced to leave her graduate program, jeopardize her career and resent her innocent baby. It’s impossible to predict what would have happened, but I can’t help but wonder if a little more positive encouragement might have made her entertain a different path for her life (and her unborn baby’s life). She was only given one set of advice: young motherhood = sacrifice and hardship. She didn’t have a pool of young moms to give her first-hand inspiration. And even if it didn’t change her mind, didn’t she deserve to hear both sides?
Lately I’ve been accused of “encouraging young women to get pregnant,” but I don’t see it that way at all. It would be irresponsible of me to paint this lifestyle as being full of never-ending, sunshine-filled benefits for everyone. But with all of the negative bombarding us (as evidenced by the comments on my Yahoo post and this New York Time post), I’m just trying to provide some counterbalance. I’m just trying to give a voice to all of us who are drowned by the stereotypes.
If Emmie didn’t want to be a mom and was completely certain of this, then I would never have encouraged her to do so. It was ultimately her decision, and I think early motherhood takes a specific type of character, maturity level and life situation. But I know there are a lot of young mothers who could have served as an inspiration for Emmie while she made that incredibly difficult decision. And maybe, just maybe, she might have seen more options on the table.
Without getting into the politics of pro-life or pro-choice (please) what would you tell a young, single, pregnant woman like Emmie?
I would have encouraged her to look into any support mechanisms available at her school. It’s not surprising that more and more full-time students are also full-time parents. Many schools have support built into their communities…..it’s part of the environment they want to foster. Ask, you may be surprised by the answer. If you WANT to take on the challenge, you may find help outside your friends and family.
If she was asking for opinions then there is part of her that must of felt she wanted to be a mother to that child. She should not have gone to strangers who just have a one sided opinion, but rather to women and young moms that have been there and actually have become successful. I am a young mother at 18, who just so happened to get pregnant with triplets. As SCARY as that was, I took the risk of getting pregnant when I decided to have sex, knowing the possibilities of what could happen. I now have 3 beautiful 3 month old boys who I absolutely adore, they give me a sense of fulfillment no job in the world could give, besides that of being a mom. It might take a little longer, but I will get where I need and want to go in life, with my three baby boys by my side. I would have told her to follow her heart. Not take the advice of other people, because if one day she hates the job she took and wished she had that beautiful baby with her it will be too late. I would have told her it will all be okay and god has a plan, I would have told her she might not have the support of those she thought were closest to her, but there are plenty of people, especially young moms that would be there for her and although it would be hard, it would be SOO worth it!
As an “early mamma” I have found that anything is possible, if you want it bad enough. I had my son at the tender age of 19, not the ideal time of course but I made it work! I’ve since been enrolled in a 4 year university taking around 16 hours and working around 25 hours a week. And I did all this as a single mother for 2 years. Then I met my husband and found an unlimited amount of support, so we decided to have another baby this past year, while I was in school. I had my baby mid semester (taking senior level classes) and still made a 4.0 at the end. I’m happy to say that I will be graduating this spring. It has NOT been easy, but it was definitely possible. I love being a mom and even though I became one early in life, I dont regret it one bit! All I can say is find support where you can, there are even some government programs that help pay for childcare. Use what you can and work your schedule around it. Too bad I cant meet Emmie in person because I could give her one heck of a pep talk!
As an “early mama” and a “late mama”, I would have encouraged her to have her baby! Life is full of regrets and I bet terminating her pregnancy is a big regret…if not now, it will be later! Moms find a way to have it all!! We may struggle at times, but through grace and determination the hard times don’t last long!
I would have told her that she could do it. She could have her child and probably have her education and dream job too. It would have taken sacrifice, hard times, probably some tears. But the result would have been SO WORTH IT.
I would have encouraged her to talk to her advisors at her graduate program, find a therapist/counselor. Set up a support team. She was obviously an intelligent girl, so she could have found the resources to make it work. Being a young, single mom is hard. But most things in life that are worth it are hard.
I also would have done some research and found a list of young moms who have really successful careers and “beat the odds”.
I think, like others said above, she needed a “pep talk”. Support. Encouragement. I read the article and it seemed like she was reaching out for someone to say “YOU CAN DO IT”.
I followed this story like a hawk, and I still look over it from time to time. It makes me sad, and angry that there isn’t a more empowering message. Moreover, women are sorely uneducated about their rights as pregnant students. I took part in a teleconference last week by the National Women’s Law Center on Title IX–any school that receives any type of federal funding is required BY LAW to accommodate a pregnant student. They can’t force or or say “sorry, that’s just the way it is..” If they received any federal funds, and most schools do, they can not discriminate against a woman just because she is pregnant. Get the word out!!
I would have told her that while it would be very hard, but it would also be very possible. Although she didn’t have familial support, I’m sure there would be other mothers in her program who could support her emotionally. Also, many schools provide onsite daycare to help while in class or on field.
There is nothing that a mother cannot do. If she found it to be too difficult, she could alter her dreams. I’m sure she would have realized very quickly that a child is much more important than a graduate degree (side note: if she is going for a graduate degree than she already has finished her undergrad which would allow her to still get a very good job in whatever field she majored in).
I just wish Emmie knew that there are others out there in similar situations that made things work and were there to give her the support she needed. So sad
If the shoe fits, wear it. There’s a reason why there are millions of different styles of shoes for the millions of different people. What works for one person, doesn’t work for another. And as humans, we look at a person’s shoes and judge. Remind yourself, as long as the person making the choice is happy, that’s all that matters. The point of the blog is the fact that motherhood is 24/7 and we have a choice of taking the challenge, or waiting until the time is right. It takes a lot of “sole” searching (back to the shoe).
That’s so hard.
I don’t think she made the wrong choice, necessarily. I think plenty of other people in similar positions make choices like those every day and never look back (or look back a little here and there, but still feel like they did the right thing). The fact that she had an abortion when faced with such a difficult situation doesn’t bother me in itself.
What bothers me is what was mentioned above by Ty. Since she wrote into the column in the first place instead of just taking a deep breath and calling Planned Parenthood to schedule an appointment, we know that she really didn’t want to make that choice. She was clearly looking for people to either give her reasons to justify an abortion or tell her that she could have the baby and make it work and that everything would be okay. And, although I could be wrong about this, there’s something about her tone that makes me think she was really seeking the latter. When she got the former instead, it was enough to convince her that she couldn’t make things work with a baby. And, who knows? Maybe she wouldn’t have been able to. But I have a feeling that, if she’d been met with encouragement instead of the message that she’d simply never succeed, her choice probably would have been different. I think, with others’ blessings, she would have done what she needed to in order to make things work. I think she probably knows that. I think she’ll probably always wonder about that. And that’s what’s sad to me.
Exactly, Jessi. That’s how I feel too. Emmie may have made the best decision for her — I’m in place to judge that, and I truly hope that she finds peace with her decision. (And that she never, never finds this thread, which might reopen healing wounds.) But it’s that she was presented with such a startling lack of support and options that’s so heartbreaking.
Where there’s a will, there’s a way. It takes a strong person to be an early mama and still live your dreams, especially when everyone around you is discouraging you. There is so much lack of support out there, and people wonder why young, single moms don’t finish college or high school. Some of their pregnancies may not have been planned, but life has to go on.
One of the comments posted on her decision article “I’m pro-choice, but I’m having trouble understanding loving the baby too much to give it away for adoption and too little to have it? That aside, I wish you luck.”
I agree with this comment so much. I am pro life. And the idea that you cant give your baby but would chose to take its life instead is so odd to me. It kind of kills the whole thing and I honestly don’t know how I feel about that.
I find it sad, too. I attend BYU, which is somewhat of an enigma among the millenial generation because it is owned and operated by a conservative religion, and I know quite a number of women who have gotten married and had babies while in school. There is a stereotype of these women dropping out of college, but all of the mothers I’ve personally known since being here have made it a priority to finish school. Some accelerated their schooling, leaning on understanding spouses or nearby families to fill in the gaps their studies left, some have continued on their planned course before pregnancy, and others have taken an extra year or three to finish, but they continue mothering and attending school.
I’ve seen these examples of women for whom education is of the utmost importance, and I wish that others could see their courage and strength. The mothers (both with spouses and those who are single, I’ve known both) finishing school are astounding, and I would like more people to see not only that it is viable, but the kind of strength and dedication these women possess to do it.