Lisa Belkin over at The NYTimes Motherlode blog reported that there’s been a shift in the importance of parenting and partnership for the Millenial generation. Marriage is less of a priority than ever — but how do young Millenial parents (clearly the minority) feel about the issue?
When The Pew Research Center asked Gen-Xers which they’d want more if they they had to choose, 42 percent said “being a good parent,” while 35 percent said “having a successful marriage.” Yet when the Millenials were asked the question, the majority (52 percent) said parenting was a higher priority. Millenials were also less likely to believe a child needs “both a mother and a father to grow up happily” and least likely to agree that “more unmarried couples raising children is a bad thing for society.” And to top it off, 44 percent of Millenials believe the institution of marriage is “obsolete” (up from 37 percent of Gen-Xers).
Perhaps it’s because more of us have divorced parents. Maybe it’s because unmarried parents have become normal. Or maybe it’s because we saw the “stay together for the kids” mentality crumble around our families. But while more young people are delaying getting married (or avoiding marriage altogether), the number of out-of-wedlock births is drastically higher for this generation. (51% of all births in 2008 were to unwed mothers, compared to 39% of Gen-Xers in 1997). That’s evidence enough of a shift in our values and priorities as a generation.
So the question is: Which is most important to you: having a successful marriage or being a good parent? And along the same lines: How important is the institution of “marriage” to you?
Those who choose marriage will think that having a happy, lasting marriage is the most important example to show children, therefore having a successful marriage is the way to be a good parent. Those who choose parenting will agree that there are many paths to being a good parent, and marriage isn’t the end all be all. (And let’s not forget that getting married under the age of 25 drastically increases our risk of getting divorced. Does this affect your answer?)
I know the answers will vary with factors like religion and geography, but I’m interested to know what you think. My answers are complex and long-winded, so I’ll leave this one up to you.
Infographic source: Tiffany Farrant and PromotionalCodes.org.uk, based on information by The National Marriage Project.
17 Comments to The Importance (or Unimportance) of Marriage
christina
August 12, 2011 at 12:39 pm
In your post you said, “Those who choose marriage will think that having a happy, lasting marriage is the most important example to show children, therefore having a successful marriage is the way to be a good parent.”
I agree that its important to teach children by example what a happy, lasting marriage looks like, but that isn’t the reason I believe that having a successful marriage is the way to be a good parent. I want my kids to feel sure of the stability of our family, of my love for my husband and his love for me, of our faith that is at the center of everything. Unhealthy marriages create such a vast and complicated array of problems for children that the importance of a healthy marriage cannot be overestimated.
While I don’t think it impossible to be a good parent if you’re not married, I do very much think that the stronger the relationship between parents, the better off the entire family is. I think its an incredibly unfortunate mistake that so many people “put the kids first” by not valuing marriage as much as they value being a parent. I think of it like this…as a parent you have to constantly give of yourself to take care of and nurture your child. Its often thankless (especially with babies and I would guess teenagers), it isolates you from your other peers (especially as a younger mom when you don’t have any friends who truly understand what you’re going through), you have to balance the endless demands of home and work and family and bills with all of the doubts and second-guessing that we all do as parents, and do it alone…if you’re going through all of that in a bad relationship or no relationship, your mental health is not going to be functioning at 100%. It stands to reason then that the patience, kindness, love and simple presence you’re able to give to your children would suffer. When you’re in a loving and stable relationship with your child’s other parent, you have a partner to encourage you, to connect and reflect with, to help you make decisions and share responsibility, to simply laugh with and enjoy watching your children grow and learn. You have to be in a good place yourself to be able to take the best care of your kids.
The importance of marriage cannot be looked at as a separate thing from the importance of being a good parent. The two are inextricably linked.
michellehorton
August 12, 2011 at 12:44 pm
It’s also important to recognize that just because two people aren’t married (and technically having a baby out of wedlock) doesn’t mean they’re not in a stable, loving, long-lasting relationship that can teach all of those values. Yes, the importance has shifted to kids over marriage (which is definitely up for debate), but another aspect of this complex change is the concept of “marriage” as being the only way.
michellehorton
August 12, 2011 at 12:46 pm
In previous generations, marriage was without a doubt the only way. But I’m willing to guess that many of us will agree that “marriage” isn’t the only way to show a solid, loving relationship.
mattie
August 12, 2011 at 3:27 pm
that is a really hard question to answer if you’re already married and have kids. i mean, how do you choose between your spouse and your children? i can understand why millennials who are not yet married or have children would choose their children. i would too.
i agree with christina. when i notice that when my marriage is suffering (as everyone’s does at some point or another), i notice that i’m not being a very good parent either. nobody in the family is happy if mom and dad aren’t happy.
recently, my in-laws divorced and my father-in-law had been planning on divorce all along but he stayed in the marriage “for the kids.” ironically, it would have been so much easier for everyone had he left twenty years earlier. now the kids are adults and are suffering the consequences of crappy parenting on his part because he just checked out of life it seems. he didn’t care about his marriage and he didn’t really care about teaching his kids to be good people. luckily, they are all good people because of their mother. anyway, of course marriage is not the end-all-be-all because single parents can and do do it every day. but i would never choose to do it that way. i love having a partner who shares the responsibility and is committed to me beyond just having children together. having children together does create a very strong bond, but i’m glad my husband and i have a relationship that is more than our kids. the way i’m saying it sounds kind of selfish, but anyone who has been married can attest to it.
christina
August 12, 2011 at 3:27 pm
I meant to add in my post that the term marriage doesn’t have to be defined as marriage in the legal sense, I mainly used the term because that’s what the question asked. I tried to broaden the definition by saying that the relationship between the parents of the child is what’s important, whether those parents are legally married or not. Sorry for any offense!
Alice
August 12, 2011 at 3:47 pm
I think have successful, stable, happy relationship (marriage or whatever you want to call it) is basically a requisite for being a good parent. If I allow my relationship with my husband to degrade, so will my capacity to be a good parent. (Of course, I realize single parents can also be good parents. As long as they to take care to maintain only healthy relationships. It’s the being a bad relationship or not taking care of your current relationship that I believe leads to bad parenting.)
Rochelle
August 12, 2011 at 5:06 pm
Keeping with the question that is being posed of “Which is most important to you: having a successful marriage or being a good parent?”, Christina took the words right out of my mouth! I STRONGLY second what she just explained!
Also, I would say that Michellehorton is addressing the second question posed of “How important is the institution of “marriage” to you?” and thus her reply, while possibly still being valid, is a non-sequitur to Christina’s comments.
michellehorton
August 12, 2011 at 5:23 pm
Yes, I didn’t mean it to sound like I thought christina was excluding non-traditional partnerships, I just wanted to add that in while we’re discussing. It was just another part of the study.
christina
August 12, 2011 at 6:33 pm
I come from parents who have (still married…for 37 years) a terrible marriage and I witnessed them fighting with each other every single day growing up. I love my mom and am so thankful for all that she sacrificed to make sure that my brother and I grew up ok despite the circumstances, but she’s always said that to her, your kids are the most important thing in the world and the love you have for them just doesn’t even compare to the love you could have for anyone else, even your spouse. This attitude seems to be a pretty popular one and it may even sound like you’re a bad parent if you say “No, I love my husband more than I love my kids.” While I understand why my mom felt this way after years and years of a bad relationship, I think this way of thinking can be very damaging to a couple going into a marriage. Obviously your kids are your top priority and you would do anything for them, but I think when the parents have a love for each other that they consider greater than love for all others that their marriage, and in turn their entire family will be stronger. You also have to raise your kids up to be independent and go out and live their own lives, and who are you left with when they’re gone? Your spouse! You better love each other or life after the kids are grown is not much to look forward to.
Sarah Peduzzi
August 12, 2011 at 8:34 pm
I think good parenting doesn’t have to stem from a good marriage, but from a good relationship. There are plenty of well-adjusted individuals who are also good parents, but may not necessarily be in a relationship with the mom/dad of their child.
This was a really thought-provoking post. I’m more of a lurker, since I’m not an early mama yet, but I love reading all your posts about motherhood.
I promise to comment more! lol
kat wade
August 14, 2011 at 2:03 am
i love not being married to my children’s father. we are a very in love and happy couple and we feel like NOT having that ceremony and piece of paper makes our relationship MORE secure. we are together because we want to be, not because we have to be. my parents and grand parents think i have 2 children out of wedlock, i think i have 2 love children from a beautiful relationship.
we also have an attitude of respecting growth. we are different people now than we were when we met and maybe we might grow apart and that will be ok. if we respect each other and our relationship we will always be friends at least and our kids will always have 2 loving parents.
michellehorton
August 14, 2011 at 3:50 am
I think this is a really, really interesting response. A response that many more people in our generation would agree with/condone while previous generations would never. I personally always said that the only reason my now-husband and I would get married is if we were planning on having kids. We didn’t have a fancy ceremony or anything — we just signed the papers for tax/legal/insurance reasons. And I wanted his last name so that I could share it with my child (which was a strictly personal choice). We would be just as committed to our relationship had we not signed those documents.
michellehorton
August 14, 2011 at 3:51 am
I’m glad you stepped out of the shadows, Sarah!
I always love to hear different perspectives.
Margaret
August 14, 2011 at 1:06 pm
Marriage says something important to society, and to the world: real love – the commitment to seek the good of the other (not just a feeling of being “in love”) – is possible and desirable. There are lots of types of healthy and loving relationships out there (friendships, associates, etc.) but only in marriage is it that two people commit themselves towards each other forever.
Of course, lots of people “marry” but don’t really mean that and divorce when they fall out of love, which leads people to think that such a “marriage” is of little value. And they are right.
But a real committed love…that’s another story. Who can deny the powerful witness to the possibility of committed love that a couple married 50+ years gives? What could be more depressing than to think that it’s impossible to trust anyone to really commit themselves to you for life?
Margaret
August 14, 2011 at 1:13 pm
ps To those of you who feel like marriage is “just a piece of paper” – don’t forget what an impact other people’s relationships had on you as a kid. Your own relationship is not purely personal; your kids are watching it, and people around you are watching it.
You may not think committed love between you and your children’s father is possible, and that’s understandable for a lot of reasons. But realize that that sends a message to your kids: I am not willing to commit myself to your father.
Or, perhaps you feel privately committed, and don’t see any reason to involve any witnesses in a legal ceremony. But making a commitment before witnesses not only acknowledges the public impact your relationship has on the community, but that you think your commitment is important enough to involve the community in supporting you in it (and even legally enforcing it). Kind of like when you REALLY want to lose weight, you find an accountability partner.
The problem now, of course, is that divorce is so broadly accepted that the community doesn’t do much in terms of supporting your commitment.
Becca
August 14, 2011 at 9:11 pm
I think people choose to marry or not to marry for personal reasons based on personal life experiences. I had a terrible childhood and while I don’t know my birth father, my dad adopted me after he married my mother. They are still married and still fighting all the time. I never wanted to get married or have children because of them-because of my bad experience. Now, I’m 24 and have been married for 3 years and our first baby is due in October. I don’t know what made me change my mind, but I know I’m extremely happy. I think being happy makes you a good parent and if you find someone to be happy with, you’ll succeed in a marriage. Everyone that I’ve known, who planned to have children with their partner, have ended up getting married. I don’t buy the whole “we don’t need a piece of paper to show we love each other”. There’s something keeping those people back from making that big of a commitment, and that’s ok!! Marriage isn’t easy and takes a lot of work and a lot of people are scared of the idea of being with the same person for the rest of their life, and even more scared of “messing up.” Bottom line, everyone has their own experiences and their own insecurities and you have to be really confident to say that you’re going to spend your whole life with one person; that was my battle in my “i’m never getting married” stage. As long as you’re happy, you’ll be a good parent. Personally, I think marriage is important, but when it comes down to it, it doesn’t matter what me, or society thinks. It’s about what makes an individual be the best person they can be, and if it’s staying unmarried, then so be it. We need more happy people in this world!
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