08.10.11
Note: This post made it to Yahoo Shine! Woo-hoo!
We’re all aware of the “young mom stigma” circulating in society. You know the one: Immature girl falls in love with immature boy and immaturely thinks they can handle having a cute little baby, only to realize they had no idea what they were getting into. They end up broke, uneducated, divorced and unhappy — secretly regretting the youthful years they threw away. Maybe they neglect their parental duties and go out partying at all hours of the night. Maybe they find themselves on a never-ending cycle of welfare. Maybe they blame their children for stealing their lives.
Sound familiar?
This tale was once again told over on Yahoo Shine in a post Why Don’t My Parents Want Me to Have Kids Young? by Jaipi Sixbear. And in it she bullets every reason why you shouldn’t have children young. She makes general statements like:
- “…if you decide to have kids young, be prepared to accept a hard life for you and your children (possibly even your grandchildren).
- “Having kids while you’re still young is like saying to yourself, ‘I want my life (and my kids [sic] lives) to be as difficult as possible and I want to start suffering right now.’”
- And the photo caption is my favorite: “Having kids young? You might as well raise them in a combat zone.”
There’s a part of me infuriated by these blanket statements. These aren’t universal truths for young motherhood. What Jaipi is really saying is that this was her experience. She decided to not get an education. She decided to marry an “immature and abusive” man. She decided to jump into a decision without knowing the consequences. She was too immature.
But that’s not how we think. We group all teens moms in with the MTV messes. We assume all young moms must be uneducated. As one commenter said: “young = poor = no education = stupid = nothing to teach your child = bad parent.” And by the transitive property, young = bad parent. (Looks like someone has an education.)
Yet there’s another part of me that realizes that this is very much a reality for many young mothers out there. Stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. Many women commented on the article and said they had a very similar experience. And while I try to highlight the positives of our “early mom” situations here at EarlyMama.com — prove that we can still live happy, successful, fulfilled lives, using other young moms as examples — I would never want a young woman to assume that young motherhood is the right path for everyone.
Not everyone is cut out to be a young mom. (I’d even say that many young women are too immature to handle motherhood in their early 20s.) But that doesn’t mean that all young women aren’t cut out to be mothers. Young motherhood can be the perfect time for certain women to start their families — especially since we have more energy, better physical health, less pregnancy risks and more years to spend with our children. So before assuming that age is a prerequisite for good parenting and overall happiness, here are some issues to consider before deciding to become a young mother:
Education
Do you at least have a college degree? Are you planning on finishing college? Get your diploma, even if it’s only three credits at a time. Motherhood isn’t a paying profession, and your full-time duties won’t last forever. (And if you find that college isn’t for you, don’t use it as a barrier to give up on your life goals. You can still take risks and chase dreams with a baby in your arms — despite what others might think.)
Personal Interests
Are you someone who is constantly looking for something fun to do on a Friday night? Do you love getting dolled up with your girlfriends and pre-gaming with a bottle of jager? Are you currently searching for your next Spring Break hot spot? Don’t get pregnant.
Support
This is probably the more important factor to consider. As a young mom, you’re going to need help. Not just financially, but emotionally too. I think this is important for all moms, except that older moms typically have other friends who understand the ins and outs of motherhood. Friends who are fully immersed in the sub-culture and wouldn’t mind discussing the color of newborn poop. Yet 20-something non-breeders typically don’t want to talk about the bodily functions and (not-as-amusing-as-you-think) milestones of your infant. It’s best to have family around to lend a hand, as well as a supportive partner. One who isn’t abusive or immature.
Stability
Believe it or not, some 23-year-old women actually have jobs. They earn an income, they have an apartment, some even have their own homes. Some are married to men 10 years older, who have their own homes and bank accounts and jobs. Some young women are married by the time they hit the legal drinking age. Is it rare? Sure. Is it unheard of? Absolutely not.
A Positive Attitude
Even if you haven’t finished college, your boyfriend suddenly won’t answer your calls and your bank account is in the negative, that doesn’t mean you can’t turn your life around. Yes it might be harder, but it doesn’t mean you’ll be raising your child in a combat zone. It doesn’t mean you’re going to negatively impact your grandchildren’s lives for goodness sake. We need to stop assuming that Jaipi’s story is the typical path of a young mother. Being a young mom isn’t an excuse to be a bad mom. It’s not an excuse to give up. It’s not an excuse.
Jaipi could have went back to school. She could have left an abusive marriage after the first child rather than the third. She could have assessed her situation before blindly jumping in. Jaipi had a hard experience because she was immature, not because she was young. Let’s not confuse the two.
10 Comments to Defending the Young Mom
Alicia @MommyDelicious
August 12, 2011 at 4:49 am
Well written. I often write about my experiences as a young mom on my site (and The Young Mommy Life) and any other site that I can because I want to show that although it may be hard, it’s not impossible to have a good, solid future and provide a stable, loving environment for your child. My son’s father was abusive towards me and I left, even if it meant being a single mom. And I just finished graduate school. With two master degrees. It was hard. But not impossible.
Like you said, Jaipi’s story is not every young mom’s story. We are not monolithic. Some of us are, in fact, making it happen. And will continue to do so… Although, I DO like a good party on a saturday night
Victoria
August 12, 2011 at 2:08 pm
I love the way you wrote this.
I have watched many young girls get pregnant, have their baby & continue to party on with different men.
I am too a young mum, yes falling pregnant was not planned but it was a choice that I choose.
Having my daughter changed my life but it made me start to think more about the future (what I want to be) than the present.
christina
August 13, 2011 at 12:08 am
Case in point: I have a half-sister who is 39 years old with two kids, the first one she had at 30, the second at 38. She has no job, is on welfare, her ex-husband has a restraining order on her and custody of her son, she still calls my parents for rent money, and she spends all day playing games on facebook. I graduated college, started my first salaried job, and got married at 22 to a 23 year old (also a college graduate), we bought our first house at 23 and 24 and we decided to have a baby at 24 and 25. We’re now 25 and 26 and I’d say we and our children are 1000x better off than my sister and hers. Obviously getting pregnant while you’re still in high school is not going to be the ideal situation, but there is definitely a difference between the teen-mom stereotype and a lot of us “young mothers”. Age has little to do with the ability to be a good parent!
nicole
August 13, 2011 at 4:32 pm
I love this!! As a 21 year old mother to a one year, two month, old beautiful daughter, I have often fallen victim to the looks strangers give me for being a young mom. They see me and they assume that I fall into the stereotype of young mothers, when in reality I am a US Navy mom who has a steady job and a wonderful fiance. I had my daughter not long after my 20th birthday, at 1 and a half years in the military. I was an E3 at the time so once she was born, bills got a lot tighter. Social time was over. I made some mistakes early on, but in the past year I have grown so much. You can be a great mom at 21 years old. You have to sacrifice a lot, yes. But the Navy in the past 3 years has taught me that sacrifice can be necessary sometimes. And I will sacrifice whatever I must for the sake of my daughter.
Lori
August 15, 2011 at 4:23 am
About the education bit- I have 3 babies, age 2.5, 19 months and 5 months. I started college when I was 18, dropped out when I was 20, then got married and had my first baby when I was 22. Last year, I decided I had put it off long enough and started college again, 2 classes at a time. Even with my busy busy life being a young mom to 3 small children, I am still capable of reaching MY goals and aspirations. I don’t believe age has anything to do with it.
Brenna
August 15, 2011 at 6:35 pm
I think the big problem is that now it is generally believed that young people have a “right” to be immature.
There is also the fact that children are basically trash in our culture. On the surface we really care about them, but in reality? People are trying to ban kids from restaurants, airplanes, grocery stores, even parks. They strongly discourage anyone from becoming a parent – too young, too old, too inexperienced, whatever. We have become selfish, and children necessitate a large amount of selflessness. (So does marriage, for that matter, and it has a similar negative connotation in our culture.)
Add to this the way we are told to believe that no woman could possibly be satisfied by being a mother. The pendulum of our culture is swinging, trying to find the balance of a woman’s place. Before it was in motherhood; now it’s in working a 9-5 job. Each extreme has no room for the other. But the rise of responsible young mothers has me hopeful that we are finally coming to rest in the middle, where a woman can pursue any dream she has without any ridicule, whether it is to take care of house and children or to work a steady job outside of the home.
S. of Narrowly Tailored
August 15, 2011 at 6:58 pm
I liked your analysis here, but I’m troubled by another thing that often gets conflated: not just young mom = teen mom, but young mom = automatically unplanned. Maybe I just tend to overestimate the average level of considerate-ness and politeness of random passersby and coworkers, but I’ve been amazed — no, floored! — by the number of people who have asked my husband and I (who are not even really all that young…) if we planned this pregnancy….
Ashley
August 23, 2011 at 10:41 pm
Thank you for this article. I’m currently 20 weeks into my third pregnancy (I lost the previous two to miscarriage) and I’ve only JUST turned 19. I was in college, but was forced to leave due to complications early on in this pregnancy. I can’t find a job, but no one can where I live. I’m currently studying at home to become a certified herbalist. Am I young? Quite. Am I poor? At the current moment, yes. Am I a bad parent? HELL NO! I will always put my daughter’s needs before my own wants. She is my miracle, she shouldn’t have been able to survive the complications early on, but she did, and now she’s a very active little girl that I will get to hold for the first time this January. I would turn my back on the world for my daughter.
Amelia
September 18, 2012 at 6:25 am
I just wanted to say that I really appreciated the approach of this article.
My husband and I are discussing TTC and we are “young.” We are currently 22 and 24, though we would be 23 and 25 before any babies were born. We’ve been doing a “pro/con” type thing, and to be perfectly honest, in our situation the pros outweigh the cons! I have a few fertility issues (PCOS and Endometriosis) and the fertility issue is one that is a major pro for younger parenthood. I Googled pros/cons of young parenthood and it was all negativity until I stumbled upon this article. So again, thank you.
It’s such a shame that our culture believes that young = uneducated, irresponsible, poor, immature, etc. It’s such a massive misunderstanding. And to say that those of us with half a lick of sense are “the exception to the rule” is insulting and plain wrong. For every immature young person you find, there is another doing the right thing.
My husband and I have been together for five years, have been married for six months, own our own home and vehicles, both have jobs and college degrees, and have paid our own bills for several years. No, our pregnancy will not be “unplanned” for any future strangers! It was well thought out and most definitely planned.
Jessica
February 24, 2013 at 5:35 pm
I just discovered this blog and I’m so glad I did! My husband and I will have been married for 2 years and be 24/25 when our baby is born this September. We’ve both got high earning jobs and bachelors degrees in engineering. We own our own house, have no debt besides the mortgage, and are stable enough to live off one income. Sound good? Evidently not because we’re too young and don’t know what we’re doing.
I get enough judging looks when people see my wedding band, what will it be like now that my bump is starting to show? It’s amazing how people who respect me professionally, understand that I’m responsible and mature, will still tell me that I don’t know what I’m doing because I’m too young. It’s very frustrating that people assume that I’m bound to repeat their mistakes. Really our situation looks great from the outside, why should our age change that?