Once upon a time, young women started families in their early 20s. That was considered normal and acceptable — and not too long ago, either. My mother says she was on the older end of the spectrum at 27, and her mother started having kids in her very early 20s. My husband is the product of two young 20-somethings who got married at 18 years old.
Yet times have changed.
Rapidly. Drastically.
It was really the Gen X-ers who helped redefine and restructure our parenting timeline, pushing up when women started having children closer to their later 20s. And as we all know, it’s now generally accepted that women build their careers in their 20s and have babies in their 30s.
Yet a recent article in the New York Post, which discussed the number of Manhattan women choosing to happily put off having kids (or never having kids) for their careers, got me thinking: They look at young motherhood as boring and conventional, yet I look at putting off kids as the expected, typical route. (Of course the New York Post’s article is more about the large percentage of Manhattan women who are permanently childless and happy, although their statistics are a bit misleading.)
The article says that society is “banging the drum for motherhood” — but only at a certain point, right? Not too early, not too late. And according to a recent study by the Pew Research Center, the Millenial generation (hi, there) are having children even later than our Gen-X predecessors with 36 percent having children between 18 and 29, down from 41 percent in the previous generation.
So although the idea of getting married and having babies in our 20s is technically a “traditional” way to think, how far do we have to veer until the tradition is redefined? Because when all of your peers are living drastically different lives, it’s hard to feel like you’re traveling a comfortable, traditional path. Especially since today’s young mom is more likely to be finishing up a graduate degree and pursuing career goals — unlike our grandmother’s generation.
Do you look at young motherhood as traditional or unconventional?
And on a related note: Do you think that the tail end of the Millenials (defined as those born between 1982 and 2000) will continue to prolong motherhood for their careers? For their freedom? Or do you think we’re on the cusp of a societal reversal?
I think this definitely depends on where you live, which you have pointed out before. In my neck of the woods, it’s not horribly uncommon, but there seems to be a general stigma attached primarily to being young and pregnant–especially if there is no ring involved. I’ve found that doing the young mom thing with a baby in tow has been a million times easier to face than showing my scarlet letter baby bump around town.
That’s an interesting point. I have a few articles and studies bookmarked to talk about marriage here next week. And I agree with you about the geography issue. I live right outside of New York City, so I’m absolutely in the minority, but I know it’s more common in smaller towns. But in a larger national sense, I still don’t see it as being traditional for our generation.
Interesting questions/points. Something I noticed while I was working in advertising while pregnant, (at age 22/23), is that all of the early 30s working women without husbands or babies seemed to really envy my situation although I’m pretty sure they’d never admit it. When it comes down to it, careers are only fulfilling to a certain point.
I think to each her own, but considering how many people have difficulty getting pregnant, I’d have been happier to find out earlier than later. Plus, I don’t want to be an older mother. I have a hard enough time chasing around my young kids at 33. I wouldn’t want them to all be under 6 when I am ten years older and not quite as quick! That being said, I wanted 4 kids, so if I waited, it might not have been as easy, or even healthy or possible. But more women have less kids, and starting later still works. There are plus and minuses to everything. Whatever works for you!
I think this does depend hugely on where you live — for example, the average age at first birth in my demographic in my region is 32.6 years old (see http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/databriefs/db21_table2.pdf), more than 5 years older than my 27, which would still classify as “late” in other parts of the country. It also varies by industry and education level: when my mom was in law school, if women lawyers had children, six to eight years out was considered the “norm,” but that seems to be moving backwards. In our OB practice, the average age of a first-time mom is 39 — and I knew they weren’t kidding because of the “you must be a pregnant teenager” looks people give me in the waiting room. I do wonder if we’re circling back around, though — as women in our generation experience the struggles of our slightly older friends with fertility and other issues, will we feel compelled to choose a different path?
I wanted to chime in even though I’m not a young mom, I follow your posts because I find them interesting. When I was 20 something I thought I never wanted to have children and wanted to just focus on my career, then around 23 that started to change and then found it difficult to get pregnant. Finally at age 25 I had my first child and desperately wanted more. Among my peers I was on the old side, many of my friends having 2 or more while I was having my first. Then we were told we probably wouldn’t have any more due to my fertility situation. Then almost 10 years later at 35 I found myself having my second. I’m not sure if it’s traditional or unconventional to have your children in your early 20′s, but I think no matter what you do there is a bit of controversy. If you have children early on you’re “to young” and if you’re having children over a certain age you’re “to old”. I’ve always been on the old side I guess, I now have 4 children and am a stay home mom. But no matter when you have them I find them a blessing and traditional or not someone always has an opinion. Hang in there!!
I still consider 25 a 20-something mom! It’s interesting that you don’t consider yourself a young mom. I basically put all “early moms” in the same category, meaning we all started young — no matter how old we are now. But you don’t feel like you started early. That’s interesting! It really all is about our own perspectives I guess.
I guess I just feel like an old mom because I didn’t have my first until I was 25 many of our friends are now seeing their youngest off to college while our oldest is only 15 years and our youngest is 13 months. It’s just an odd feeling to have friends the same age that are now empty nesters and folks seeing me with my daughter and asking if she’s my grandbaby. I didn’t think 25 was young OR old when I had my first. I thought it was about right, even though I would have like to have had one a year or two sooner. But after having a baby at 40, man do people make you feel old. I’ve heard how selfish I am to how I’ll be to old to do stuff with my kids because I’m so old. I think I’d almost rather be on the “to young” side. Just sayin’
For me, I like in a small subculture that, while not completely recommending young marriage and parenthood, is comfortable with both the idea and the execution of it. My brother and I both married at 18 (he’s three years my senior), and many of my friends who remain in this culture are following a similar pattern.
But outside of that subculture, people think I’m insane. I’ve dreamed of being a stay at home, homeschooling mom since I was very little, and out of necessity I get to (3 kids in daycare = more than I can even hope to cover with any paycheck I bring in). I was recently told that my struggle with depression is directly tied into my husband/dad/some other male figure forcing that old fashioned viewpoint on me.
The popular belief is that having and caring for a husband, children, and a home is unsatisfactory for every woman. Certainly there are some who would feel that way, and I’m in full support of them doing whatever they feel like with their lives; but I’m not one of them. This is what I want to do with my life and it is insulting to be told that this dream only exists because of emotional and physical manipulation by the males around me.
Wow, I can see your frustration with comments like that. And by subculture, do you mean your religion? Your community?
I look at early motherhood as unconventional. Of my friends and family, I am only one of three who has children. And, of those friends and family who have children, I am the only one who is both married and with children.
I never dreamed of being (or planned to be) unconventional, but it kind of worked out that way, given that most women in my circle seem to be doing the opposite of what I’ve done with my life.
I am 16, my parents had me at 22 and 23 but they were married and I was completely planned, they are now 40 and 41. I guess I don’t consider anyone a young mother as long as they are older then 22. It is young but it’s not that bad. Most of the time you are out of college by that point and are starting a career so why not start a family? I work at a daycare right now so my perception of young mothers is different. We have many teens dropping off their toddlers and I think that is young because they are still dependent on their families for help. But we also have many older parents who send their kids to daycare because they don’t want to give up their careers. I guess what I’m saying is that as long as you have a career or are starting one and you are financially stable you are not a young mother. Young=Immature, if you are 22 and responsible then you aren’t classified as a young mother, in my opinion any way.
That’s why I like to use the word “early,” because “young” is very subjective to your community, your religion, your upbringing, your definition, etc. But I do know that on the entire parenting spectrum — ranging from teens to 40-something moms, 22 is on the younger side, mostly because I was the youngest one I knew to get pregnant at 22. So in my world, I was very much early. I agree that being a 20-something mom is absolutely nothing like being a teen mom. I can’t speak for those young women, who have very different experiences and challenges. But being in the first year of your new career or still finishing up college (a lot of professions require you to go to graduate school until you’re anywhere from 24 to 26 years old) isn’t like being established. So while I absolutely love my life as an “early” mom and I’m thankful for so many things, it is definitely a unique experience. I’d be interested to hear your perspective when you’re 22. It seems far away, but it’s really, really not!
My sister is 29 (30 in a couple weeks) and I’m 26. We’re both pregnant with our first babies. I’m due any day now and she’s due in December. She definitely did not want to have babies “too soon” whereas was totally psyched about being a young-ish mom. I see an even split amongst my friends. Some alreaddy have babies or want to soon and others can definitely wait.
I wanted to be done having children by the time I was 30. I definitely wanted to be a young mom so I could have the energy to play with my children in a rambunctious way.
For my family I’m traditional. Most women in my family had their first child around the age of 22. I turned 22 the week before I had my son.
However, for the area where I had my first son I was rather unconventional because most women waited until they were at least in their 30′s to have their first child.
I was also unconventional because I grew up Mormon. Most Mormon women would have had their first child by the age I had mine.
Though I’m also one of the few women in my family that went on to have 3 children. Sooo….I’m my own person?
I think religion is an interesting aspect of this conversation, because many of the young moms on this site have told me they’re Mormon. And when you’re Mormon, it’s expected and normal to have children in your very early 20s. It’s interesting, though, that you said you’re the only one in your family to have three children because I’ve always been told Mormons were encouraged to have large families. I don’t know much about the subculture though, but it’s a fascinating aspect to the “early mom” idea.
See, I find this fascinating. Because in my family, going back to both sets of grandparents, people marry (and have kids) “late”.
My parents were 29 and 31 when they married, they were 36 and 38 when I was born (youngest)
Both grandmothers married when they were around 24 (which for the forties, was darn late) they were from vastly different cultures, so it wasn’t a culture thing.
I’m 25, and engaged.
This, for me, is startlingly young. And while we don’t plan on having kids for a while, even if I have a kid before I’m 30, that will be..well odd for me.
Awesome, but odd.
I really thing more then “culture” (which is a fluid and constantly moving thing) it’s your family that influences these types of decisions. Other things come into play, but in my experience, if you were born to early parents, your much more likely to be an early parent yourself.
And I think that more then a backlash, what we’re going to be seeing is a demand by women for more balance. Most women my age want to see their kids grow up, they want to be there for them. They want a little more flexibility and understanding
Plus, you don’t have to work in an office to have a job anymore. You can run a blog (Hi Michelle!), have an etsy store, start your own business, work flex hours as a consultant–the options are endless. The traditional work place is going to have to adjust if they want to keep people. So I think this generation won’t be the “I can have it all” generation. We’re going to be the “I can do what works best for me and my family” generation. Which, I think, is an awesome place to be.
EXACTLY. That’s a point that I meant to make in the post too. This generation has infinitely more opportunities to create flexible work situations thanks to telecommuting and Internet-based jobs. The Internet has opened up so many more possibilities — and Etsy is a fantastic example of that. I recently did an article on the Top 50 Etsy Moms for Babble.com, and these women have thriving, successful businesses (that often both mom and dad have to work on full-time!) while being able to stay home and raise their children. It’s not easy and it’s not a perfect utopian solution — there will always need to be balance and there will always be guilt, whether you’re working at an office or at home — but the flexibility is invaluable. And I think our generation has seen the Gen-Xers put their career first and then regret not having children, so we’re actively looking for a different solution. I also find it interesting what you say about family. I think that’s very much true.
I defiantly thiik its geographical. I grew up in a rural area and most of my friends go marred very early and started on the baby wagon right way or within the first year. I did not get married until I was 24 and I was “an old maid” LOL I did not feel it was but according to the society around me I was. My sister lived about 4 hours away and kept telling me I was normal and it was just he area I lived in. I know see she was right I now live just out side Seattle and had my first baby at 28 and most of my friends here are the same age and in the same boat. Its weird going home and seeing my friends that have 2 and 3 kids that are upwards of 9 and 10 years old. I dont envy them at all. I am sooo glad I have the life I have and have gone the places I have it was sooo nice to just be young and marred for a few years. I LOVE being a mommy now but it really does take over you whole life.
To weigh in on the geography end–my husband and I were high school sweethearts and got hitched when I was 20 and he was 21. During our engagement, I was wrapping up college in Portland, OR. I had a professor (yes, a professor!) ask me point-blank in front of the rest of the class, after I’d let it slip that I was engaged and not yet of legal drinking age, “What the fuck is wrong with you?” He was easily the most rude and direct about it, but the reactions I got when disclosing my situation to everyone from classmates to local bridal shop owners were definitely on the judge-y side. Portland prides themselves on being unconventional, but young marriage is apparently not the cool kind of unconventional (naked bicycle rides, polyamory and donuts with bacon = appropriate Portland weird; getting married young = too domestic and normal-seeming to be truly counterculture). I love Portland, but that attitude pissed me off. If you’re all about accepting alternative lifestyle choices, then why wouldn’t you see young marriage/parenthood as the same thing: just another valid way of living that may not work for everyone, but works just fine for some people?
Anyway, I digress. The point is that we moved back to our medium-sized hometown a little while later for work reasons, and nobody bats an eye at us being married here. That’s not to say that most people our age are married, but it’s considered a lot more normal and socially acceptable. We’re starting to talk about having our first child and will probably be 24/25 by the time he or she actually comes along. If that winds up being the case, we’ll be considered on the younger end, but not crazy young. I think I’ll at least be able to avoid having anyone ask what the fuck is wrong with me. (Let’s hope!)