I was chatting with a 40-something Dad a year or so ago, and he said that when he and his wife had their first baby (in their mid- to late-30s), the hardest part was the major lifestyle adjustment. They couldn’t take the vacations they were accustomed to, run out and meet a friend for lunch at the last minute, attend fancy cocktail parties. They couldn’t sleep in on the weekends and pour as much money into their house.
It was tough, right? Right?
He looked at me as if I’d eagerly jump into the conversation because, naturally, this is a MAJOR. DEAL. Yet I just smiled and nodded my head, swiftly shifting topics a bit. But inside I was, for the first time in a long time, happy to be a younger mom. (This was around the time that I was lying about my age and feeling very insecure around older, more “established” parents.) I realized that my adjustment was no where near the level of adjustment that older parents must feel. I wasn’t embedded in a work routine, established in a career, buried under responsibilities I had been accumulating for the last decade. I wasn’t used to years and years alone with my husband — just the two of us — ready and able to take an impromptu road trip or hop a plane to Costa Rica. I wasn’t used to spending money on little luxuries that I’d have to do without.
I went from being a broke college student to a broke intern to a pregnant entry-level employee. I didn’t ease into adulthood with a decade of “me” time that I could get accustomed to. Instead, I became a college graduate, an employee, a Horton and a mother all in the same year. To me, being an adult means being a mother; I don’t know any differently. I was used to having little sleep, little money and little time. Now anywhere I go from here seems like progress rather than sacrifice. When it comes to my job, my money and my lifestyle, I feel like I’m continuously propelling forward rather than being stalled.
And that’s pretty comforting to me.
Note: I’ve been collecting all of our reasons that we love being “Early Mamas” in this weekly feature. Do you have a reason? Email me at michelle@earlymama.com.
This post describes me so well, it’s a little scary : ) I went from being a broke intern, to a broke nanny who was engaged to the man of my dreams, to a broke wife with baby number one on the way in less than a year! So many people I talk to tell me of the importance of married couples having time at the beginning of the marriage to just “be a couple”. My husband and I definitely did not have that luxury, and since we never had it, we sure don’t know what we’re missing! : ) We’ve been married 3.5 years now, and have 3 gorgeous, sweet babies…. and we still have MADE time to “just be a couple”- when our babies are asleep! : )
Exactly! If you don’t know it, you can’t miss it.
This was really interesting, Michelle, because honestly, although we had the same exact experience (and heck, I was even younger than you), I never felt this way. I found myself mourning the life that I thought I was supposed to have–that “me” time, that whole getting my life-on-track before popping children out thing. It’s strange how the expectation of how things are “supposed to be” can be so hard. I loved this: “Now anywhere I go from here seems like progress rather than sacrifice.” That’s such a great way to think about it, and it’s actually really comforting to me, when I struggled with feeling like I somehow “failed” in getting pregnant.
I initially felt that way too until I had that conversation I mentioned, and I realized that it’s going to be an adjustment either way. I’d rather have an easier transition and something to look forward to than a decade of spending and sleeping and working that I was going to miss. I don’t think you can ever guarantee that you would have gotten your life “on track.” There’s always more that you’d want to accomplish or do or see. I’m not sure anyone feels ready to have a baby — especially not when you’re so used to living a certain way. And of course I never experienced it the other way, but from what I hear, there seems to be more nostalgia for those days of freedom. We never knew those days.
I was just reading this, and thought about how different my family’s dynamic is… My husband is 14 years my senior, and we have just welcomed my first sweet baby girl into the world (he has a son who’s 6–who lives with us 50% of the time). I think sometimes he feels like this older dad does, whereas, I don’t feel this way at all. My husband and I knew we wanted to expand our family quickly after getting married, because of already having little man and my hubby’s age. I was all for this! I have never wanted anything more than to be a mommy. So, a year after we met, we were engaged, four months after that, we were married, and a week before our first anniversary we found out we were expecting. I would love to have 2 more babies, but I’m not so sure that’s going to happen. My husband, for the first time, has this family unit to come home to (he doesn’t rush from work to the golf course nearly as often!), and it’s been a transition for him. Plus, he’s thinking about retirement and our fiscal responsibilities.. All of which seem like so far off to me! It’s something I expected when we got married, but it just a totally different perspective… when you’re a young mom with a not so young dad.
I think I feel differently because my husband, who is 6 years older than me, already owned a house which I moved into straight into from college. I was so fortunate, which I do recognize. I had a full time job out of school and no loans, and together we made a decent living where we could splurge if we wanted. We took a car trip, we went to Mexico, we spent where we wanted to.
So when baby came.. I miss my vacations, my free time, and I miss being able to work late without feeling guilty (and the other way — feeling guilty for leaving on time).
While my husband was very ready for kids, sometimes I think I wasn’t quite there yet, or maybe less prepared for it anyway.
Yeah you were kind of stuck in an in-between place. Well they aren’t babies forever — free time will be here before you know it.
I think I fall somewhere in between you and the “older dad” you wrote about. While my husband and I are still young (late 20′s), we have had a few years on our own, purchased a home, spend a lot of our time/money on that, I have a career (that I am now wondering when I will have the time/money to go back and further my education in my field), and my husband is currently back in school to further his own education to advance his career. I think (seeing as she has not yet arrived) that life is really going to change for us. I will have to figure out how to juggle my career with my family, how to make the finances fit, and all these other things that I did not have to worry about before. So while I don’t think our adjustment will be quite as drastic as if we were married for 10 years first, I do think it’ll be a lot of change!!!
I COMPLETELY agree. One of the things that my husband and I have talked about is how fortunate we are that I am able to be a stay-at-home mom. We were both in college when I got pregnant, so I went from full-time student to full-time mom. We weren’t already accustomed to having two incomes, so living off of one has been relatively easy. Other moms I know are so used to having two incomes, they can’t afford to not return to work after their babies are born. We don’t have many material things, but we are used to it – We’ve never had those things. Just as you said, each day we are getting more and more secure and comfortable without having to sacrifice things we used to have.
I think this is one of the better perks! I found out I was pregnant the week after I graduated college, and we married within 8 weeks. We still don’t have our ideal jobs, home, furniture or cars yet, but those are relatively easy things to come by. My husband and I are just thankful that we have found each other and have started our family. All the rest can come later. Besides, I would rather be poor and doing less when the kids are younger than to have to sacrifice when they are older.
That is a fantastic truth about early motherhood!!!
I thought this article was very interesting..
http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-505125_162-45040185/forget-the-job-hunt-have-a-baby-instead/?tag=bnetdomain
Thank you, Amanda! Let’s discuss here next week!