07.6.11
I’ve always been a work-then-play type of a girl. And before you skip down to the comment section, I’m not equating parenting with a torturous, mind-numbing, count-down-the-seconds-until-5:00 job. I’m also not equating an empty nest with a Mediterranean cruise. But, as we all know, parenting is a full-time job. There’s an underlying responsibility, obligation, sacrifice — no matter how much happiness or fulfillment or clarity it gives us. There’s not as much time (or money) for traveling; not as much freedom to get up and go.
There are basically two main paths you can take: The first is to have kids early and then have time later for romantic vacations, lazy Saturday mornings and afternoon yoga classes. The second is to spend your 20s (and early 30s) focusing on yourself, your career, your wants, your dreams — hopefully spending a good amount of time traveling and vacationing as a couple (sans diapers, breastfeeding or toddler tantrums) until you decide to raise a family. They’re both perfectly acceptable paths (one more socially accepted than the other), but I prefer to get the poop explosions, breast hostage and sleepless nights over with while I have the energy.
I cringe a little when I say “over with,” because I love having babies. I do. But in the back of my mind, there’s a sense of peace knowing that while other 40-something moms are volunteering at elementary school bake sales, my kids will be off in college — leaving me with more time alone with my husband. And while the thought of Noah being out in the big world makes me hyperventilate into paper bags, the image of me and Justin watching the sun set on the horizon of an ocean gives me something to look forward to. Something to think about besides crying into my pillowcase, muttering “my baaaaby” between sobs. Something to be excited about beyond the child-rearing years. Because they grow up, move out, move on. And when they do, I’ll still have a long life to enjoy.
But we’ll always be mothers, right? They’ll come home for a load of laundry, for heartfelt advice, for mom’s special chicken nuggets. They’ll call us, text us, FaceTime us. So while the traditional path of “find yourself then have a baby” is perfectly logical and reasonable for many women, I want as much time as I can have with my kids. I want to be sitting on that beach with Justin and look down at a text from Noah, saying how much he loves me. Or that the laundry machine broke and he’s out of underwear. Either way, I’ll smile. He’ll be old enough to handle that one on his own.
Note: This series isn’t meant to attack another path — being a mother is immeasurably rewarding no matter when or how it’s done. It’s simply to highlight one possible positive of this particular situation.
10 Comments to Reason #5: An Early Empty Nest
Hilary
July 6, 2011 at 7:51 pm
I agree in general though I had two thoughts while reading your post. 1) there are so many paths! having kids early or having kids later is a generalization so I am okay with that, but I think you missed a third! having kids early AND later. like my mom
and 2) sometimes having kids puts strain on marriages you’ve painted an idealistic picture of the future. but we’re being positive and I think I’ll be with my husband then too! but of course, there are lots of other things you could do and places you could go with an empty nest and no husband too.
michellehorton
July 6, 2011 at 7:59 pm
I did think of that, actually, that’s why I went back and put “main” paths, only because those are the two general ways to think when you’re planning a family: Either you start early or you start later. I actually had another paragraph dedicated to having kids early and later, but it just threw off the main point I was trying to make, so I figured we could discuss that in the comments. I don’t think there’s a “wrong” way to be an early parent, this is just a perk that I especially like.
And as for your second point, that’s actually ANOTHER thing that I originally wrote and then deleted because I just felt it was a little negative. Yes, I absolutely agree that kids can put a strain on marriage — especially a young marriage — BUT that thought of an early empty nest really does keep me going. I imagine it might make me work a little harder at our relationship when I think about the fact that I want to still be holding his hand once our kids let go of ours.
Hilary
July 6, 2011 at 8:22 pm
That’s a lovely statement
“I want to still be holding his hand once our kids let go of ours.”
Leah L.
July 6, 2011 at 10:08 pm
My husband and I have been talking about this a lot lately. His career path requires us to move around a lot. He just got a job offer in San Diego, but had to turn it down because it didn’t pay enough to support our family of four. But, we said, maybe someday when we have our empty nest it will be easier and more financially possible to move to a big city where he can pursue his dreams – And we’ll still be plenty young! It would be a great adventure to move off to NYC in our forties…without children in tow!
michellehorton
July 7, 2011 at 12:27 am
Thank you!
Taylor
July 7, 2011 at 12:44 am
I can appreciate this post, but I’m not exactly looking forward to an early empty nest. I’m more excited to be a young grandma
Alice
July 7, 2011 at 1:09 pm
I just found out I was pregnant a couple weeks ago (I’m not that young) but at 25, I’m the very first of my friends to be expecting. And one thing that worries me is that when my friends (who are all career first sorts of girls) get around to have babies, I’ll be sad/ jealous because my kiddos are no longer going to be babies. So I’m not 100% certain that the early empty nest is necessarily a plus for me. The early grandma thing though… I could go for that!
michellehorton
July 7, 2011 at 2:28 pm
Congratulations, Alice! The early grandma perk is definitely on my list to feature.
Tiny Blue Lines
July 7, 2011 at 7:09 pm
I had to laugh a little at the first comment to this–that is my biggest fear. I just know I’ll be that 44-year-old mom that ships my last off to college, only to look down at yet another positive pregnancy test! Hoping I can hold on to that dream of an early empty nest too! Thanks for posting yet another great thought Michelle.
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