When it comes to why we love being early mamas, one of the most popular tweets, emails and comments I’ve received is this: “We can have more babies!”
And this is absolutely a perk for those who want a Van Trapp-like brood, with more child-rearing years to make that happen. Older parents often feel pressured to squeeze in siblings as fast as possible, considering pregnancies (and parenting) can be more difficult as you get older. But us younger parents? We have a solid decade (or more) to expand our families. We have time to hem and haw over possible future additions.
But that’s not something that initially came to my mind. In fact, I kind of feel pressure to have two kids (and only two kids) closer together, just to enjoy the perks of an early empty nest. While some parents are chauffeuring elementary-age kids around at 45 years old, I’ll have a college graduate at that age (hopefully). And I like that. It’s one of my favorites perks.
Besides that, I already feel so invested in my son’s life — so worrisome about the what ifs — that I’m not sure I’d survive opening myself up to that much vulnerability. To have three, four, five little children wandering around the big, scary world is, honestly, overwhelming. I’m sure I’ll eventually be able to shut off that part of my brain — the part that thinks about wars, political cultures, economic climates — but I often think: How many children do I want to bring into this world? And on top of it all, Justin and I weren’t raised privileged by any means, so we’d like to be able to give our children as much as we can.
However…
When I started thinking about the gender of our next child, something frightening happened: I realized that no matter what we have — a boy or a girl — I’ll be disappointed. Of course I’ll mostly be elated, but there will be a twinge of sadness as well. If we have a girl next, I’ll be bummed to never have another little boy. Perhaps because I just love Noah so darn much, I can’t image not having another little man around. And the boy names that we’ve picked feel so right for our family — much more than the girl names — and I’ve become so attached to them. It’ll be sad to know those little boys will never be a part of our family.
Yet if we have another boy, it’ll be difficult to accept never having a little girl. Never knowing that tumultuous, exhausting, infinitely rewarding mother-daughter relationship. The first time around I was relieved to be having a boy, only because I feel like raising a strong, confident daughter (in our society) is a more challenging assignment. And at 22 years old, barely a woman myself, I wasn’t sure I was up for it. But now? Now I think I’m ready. I have so much to teach a girl, to tell my girl — so much that I’ll never be able to share with little boys — that the thought of her not existing is a bit sad.
So while the logic of two children still seems right, the possibility of only two children is starting to feel unimaginable. But like you all said, at least I have more time to make a final decision.
Even with three part of me wants to have another one, hoping for another boy so my son has a brother. I’ve always said my perfect mix would be two girls and two boys so everyone gets to grow up with a brother and a sister.
I’m sure you’ll be amazed at how much easier one is than three!!
I always said I wanted 3 or 4 kids, but my husband was very set on just one. It took a lot of convincing but I’m finally pregnant with baby number 2. I promised we’d be done at that (unless we hit the lottery). I think a lot of people don’t think enough before having children. They always say that things will come together and work out no matter what, but I don’t want things to just work out. We want to make sure we can give our 2 children every opportunity to succeed. Whether that’s playing golf(super expensive sport) or going to some special science camp. We want them to know they have the ability to try these things and find what they love to do. With more than 2 that may be hard for us so 2 is our magic number. I’m also a big believer in family vacations. I always felt mine were always beneficial in shaping me. We’d like to be able to go on one every year at least and let our children know there is more out there than just our small town. I always feel bad when I see large families with 4 or 5 kids and they don’t have the means to do these things. I’m not saying the kid is gonna have a bad life, but why wouldn’t you want to give your child every opportunity and great experience you can. Ya never know what kinds of interests or hobbies your child will have but it’s nice to know that you’ll have it covered when they say they wanna join the ski club (that crap costs a lot too lol). I think every parent should think about that before they go popping out more kids because they like having babies around or want a big family.
I 100% agree with you, Amber. When people say they’re trying for baby number 5 or 6, I think, But…how are you AFFORDING this? I’d really love to know!
As a mother of 3, and with #4 on the way, I have to say I’m quite offended by these 2 comments! Just because we have a big family, does not mean we don’t give our children the same opportunities as those with smaller families! All our children go to Little Gym classes, and when the time comes for other interests, we’ll make sure they have those opportunities too! We go on one big family vacation a year, and several weekend trips throughout the year. Our vacations may look a little different then yours with a smaller family, in that we need to stay in places that provide enough room for our bigger families, but our experiences on these vacations can be the same as those with only 2 children. Let’s not forget there are plenty of families with only 2 children that don’t give their children these opportunities or experiences! We’re all mothers here, wanting to give our kids the best that life offers…let’s not judge each other for having different sized families! What’s right for some, it’s right for others…why can’t we leave it at that instead of wondering how we with big families “afford” them.
Amelia, the last thing I EVER want to do is judge other mothers. I think it’s absolutely wonderful that you have 4 children — my husband and I always said we’d want 4 if we had the money to do so. That being said, we don’t. We’re both in creative fields where passion trumps dollars, and that’s the life we’ve chosen. I say I’m curious as to how people with large families afford it, because it’s just that: I’m curious! I’m envious! I think there’s something warm and comforting about a large family, something that I’ve never known, to be honest. You have to understand that for some people, 2 is the limit that they can afford. We’re not all as lucky.
Thank You Ameila, I was thinking the same thing! ( and I’m only on number 3 )
I think those comments about not being able to send a kid to science camp or something as a reason not have more children is a little bit silly.
We have three kids and one more on the way. We are by no means wealthy but we are not poor. I grew up with three brothers and sisters and my family did not have a lot of money. We didn’t go on extravagant family vacations but we did go camping every summer and saved up for forever for a trip to Disney. My parents took us to Mexico when we were teenagers once. We rarely went out to eat (I remember saving up for so long and all of us chipping in to go to Olive Garden!).
I do not in any way feel that I missed out on great experiences because I didn’t take expensive lessons or go to a fancy camp. I feel extremely blessed to have grown up with three wonderful siblings with whom I am very close. I am looking forward to my children having the same joy of growing up together, even if it is not in fancy places.
We know that our yearly winter holiday may not happen as regularly and that meals out with the children will become less frequent as they get older (and eat more). We also know we will do everything we can to bless our children with a rich and fulfilling childhood and that does not cost a penny.
In Amber’s defense, I think she meant people who REALLY can’t afford to have children and do so just because they want more babies to love. There’s a line between having a big, loving, thrifty family and a big, stressed, welfare-using family. I agree with you that more money doesn’t equal a better family. Not at all. I grew up with next to nothing and had a wonderful childhood.
For many people who choose to have large families, values and priorities are different. Their kids wear hand me downs, they shop sales and use coupons, they are careful about debt and don’t buy things they don’t need or eat out all the time. They invest their money in things that last and their time in family relationships. Their homes don’t reflect catalogs and they learn to do repairs themselves. They aquire skills and pass them down to their children. Their children see the care and commitment their parents have to their homes, family and things and they are often as fruitful. I know a family that couldn’t afford private music lessons, but their daughter put the time in and learned an instrument through library books and you tube videos. And she appreciates and loves music more than most kids I know who take lessons.
I have 6 children…one in heaven…:(… love my once 6 pack but now 5…when you have small children…it seems overwhelming to think you would have 5 or six…I never set out in my 20s to have this many..I was married young..and was the first to have kids…
They get older and can do many tasks on their own. I think every family knows their limits…I am feeling just right with 5…I mean….just right…Expensive ..YES…insane…just going to the dentist is mind blowing…but it always seems to work out!:)
I love this site!:)
I’m so torn between wanting a big family and wanting just two. But they do grow up SO fast — this baby/toddler stage is just a blink — and I’m so happy I have more time to decide. I only have one sister so it’s what I know, but I always envied big families. I feel like I either want 2 kids or A LOT of kids — but the expense sure is scary! (On a side note: So happy to see you killing it over on Family Style! You’re on fire!!)
Michelle, you and I must be on the same wavelength because I blogged about something very similar today. I echo your concerns. It is a daunting thought to have four of five parts of you walking around in this increasingly frightening world, but then again when is enough going to be enough? I worry I’ll never feel done or complete when it comes to having children.
Right now I have one boy and one girl and you would think that would be ideal, but then I get to feeling sad that my daughter will never know the joys of having a sister, but I’ve never really liked the idea of having an odd number of children (middle child syndrome and all) so then would we need four? Can we afford four?
So much to consider, but like you point out…we’ve got time.
Haha! Were you the middle child? I was, and I grew up chanting the mantra of: two, or four, but never three!
Funnily enough, at the moment I’m fairly convinced that I want to stop at one. Nobody is more surprised than me about this, but I can see lots of reasons (for our family) as to why one is not the loneliest number, but the happiest one. That said, my little rabbit is only just 8 months old. When he’s a real boy ,like Michelle’s Noah, check in on how my feelings may have changed.
Oh Elissa, I said the SAME thing! It took until Noah was about 2 that I thought maybe I should have another, and another 3 or 4 months to actually want another baby. I was fairly convinced that I’d only have one too — which is a perfectly understandable decision. I think every family knows what’s best.
And Amber: I do think we’re very much on the same wavelength!
It took me ten (count ‘em, TEN!) years to decide to have another. This may be a slight abuse of the “we have time” mantra…. But that’s the amount of time I needed. Now that we’ve had our second, I’m already thinking, “Okay, when can we get Number 3 in here?” Now I feel like I’m running out of time. I guess it’s both ends of the spectrum…
I didn’t mean to offend you. If you have the means to do all these things for your children then have as many as you can afford! I said 2 because we can comfortably give them all these opportunities and experiences plus some extra spoiling. If you have more money to be able to do that for more children then that’s wonderful. My problem is when people don’t have the ability to do this and continue to have children anyway. It’s sad for the child in my eyes. Plus, for me personally, if I ever have more money to support more children then I would adopt. It’s nice that I have some of my own now but I know there are a lot of children out there already who will never get to have a nice life. I think it’d be nice to help if I could. Just personal opinions that I hope more people will consider.
Thanks Michelle. It’s always nice to find someone else who shares your views!
I would love to be someone who had the opportunity to even make the decision on how many kids I would have…but I don’t. I longed to be an “Early Mama”, and spent over 5 years grieving the loss of my “youth” as my husband and I tried…and tried…and tried to bring a child into this world. As my 20′s started to fade away and I realized I wasn’t going to be a “young mom”, my heart broke into a million pieces.
But then, God started to put the pieces back together. Slowly, He showed me that no matter what age I was, no matter if I had kids or not, He loved just the way I was. And so did my husband. And then in November 2009, we became parents for the first time through embryo adoption. Two of our sweet babies went to heaven after not surviving the transfer. Our third precious miracle was born in November 2010 (a second transfer) and she is with us now. I’m 30 – much older than I thought I would be as a first time mom. I don’t know what the “magic” number will be. For now, it’s 1. She’s amazing, she’s perfect, and she’s more than I could ever ask for. Would I love to have siblings for her? Of course. My dream number was 4. But we don’t know if that will ever be a possibility for us. And so we are grateful, overwhelmed with joy, and incredibly blessed to be parents to our little girl after waiting for her for so many years.
How wonderful that you were finally able to have your little miracle. It’s funny that you think 30 is much older than you wanted, because I always hear that 29/30 is the “magic” age to have a baby. Congratulations to you, Heather! What a trying journey you’ve had.
LOL! Yes, 29/30 does seem to be the age that many start trying these days…but oh how I longed to have my babies earlier! It has been a trying journey – and like I said, not my plan – but even better than I could have ever imagined.
I think it is ok to say how many you want “for now” but try not to draw any limits on yourself. After our second, we were content with our daughters and I had my tubes tied. For years, I never even thought of more children, I was so happy and content with what I had. Then one day, I thought of having a little boy in my arms. God planted a seed in my heart that turned into yearning for more children that I could not ignore. It would have been so easy to have missed the beautiful gifts God will bless our family with had I been too set on limits. Now I tell the women I meet, wait to have your tubes tied until your kids are 10 or 12 at least. As your little ones become bigger ones and your life grows and changes, you have no way to know how you will feel. Leave room in your life for growth and change. (BTW I had my tubal ligation reversed. So if there are others out there who want more but had this procedure and don’t know– it is reversable)
I think you should give yourself time to decide. My husband and I both come from big families, and to us there is nothing better than having a bunch of brothers and sisters to play with when you’re younger – and to remain close with as we’ve gotten older. We hope to have four children, and we’re looking forward to a prolonging an empty nest.
I felt the *exact.same.way* when I found out we were having a boy the first time. I have never known how to nicely and politely say that I was happy we were having a boy because I didn’t think I was ready to raise a girl without *totally messing her up*, but you managed to put it just the right way.
I felt more confident this time around…so when I found out we were having another boy, I was a little disappointed. Mostly for the things I will be missing out on, as this will likely be our last child.
No dance recitals, no little girl clothes, no wedding to plan…All of that is kind of a bummer.
But little boy #2 arrives pretty much any day now, and I know he will bring a lot of joy to our lives!
(On a side note, if you care to share any good boy names you have, feel free, because we STILL don’t have a name picked out!)
amy @ glass confetti
I just had to comment because of reading Amber’s comment about her husband insisting on having only one child. I am an only child whose parents are now both passed away. Both of my parents were also only children. I am alone tasked with the care of my grandmother, and I am not even 30 yet. I literally have no family to help me, provide advice, confide in, or cry with. I see all my friends with their siblings and aunts/uncles/nieces/nephews that I will never have and it breaks my heart every single time. Please, all of you, never have just one.
also just wanted to add a response to the comment about 1 “not being the lonliest number” – when you are little, you feel very lucky to be the prime concern of your parents. You don’t have to share them with anyone! This is a wonderful feeling. That’s not the time you should be thinking about. You should be thinking about when you are elderly or have passed away, and your child, even though they are an adult, will feel that loss or burden many times over what people with siblings go through.
I’ve heard this from a few people as well. My best friend is an only chid, and while she HATED it as a child (always wanted a sister), she is so grateful that her parents were able to give her more opportunities — sending her to a good college with no college loans, sending her around the world to travel– and then were able to move across the country with her after college. Parents with multiple children couldn’t uproot their lives like that. But I wonder how she’ll feel when her parents pass. I think the fact that you have no cousins, aunts or uncles also plays a factor, which is a bit rare and lonely.
In response to your comment about how Noah fills your heart and time already, I have three siblings and my dad always jokingly said, “One baby takes up all of your time, love and attention, what difference can two make?” They always talked about how your heart seems to expand so that you have all the love you need for all of your children. I may have been number four in line, but I never lacked for love and attention from either of my parents.
Also, kudos to you for navigating potentially offensive/difficult topics with grace.
It’s always nice to see a comment thread that doesn’t devolve into hatred because of divergent opinions.
Thank you! I really hope we can keep things civil here.
One thought: are you planning your family size based upon what you want only, or are you thinking about what will enrich your child’s life?
Siblings are (hopefully) life-long friends for your children, who will support each other long after you are gone. While responsible parenting involves giving basic support to your children, are you really sure that vacations, restaurant outings, even paid college tuition is more valuable than that kind of life-long relationship?
I’m one of 6 kids from a one-income family. Here’s how my parents did it on a budget:
- hand me downs (lesson: recycle!)
- very few “bought” toys; lots of out door/indoor imaginative or creative games with each other and neighborhood friends (lesson: use of imagination and cooperation) and library books (lesson: literacy, love of reading and learning)
- kids got jobs as early as possible and paid for their personal items and higher education (lesson: self-reliance, self-confidence, resume building)
Ironically, wealthy parents want to teach their kids those lessons too, and they do it by signing them up for all sorts of expensive programs and schools.
I think we ate out once a year, and it was probably McDonald’s, but that was MORE exciting than the more regular restaurant outings that my friends would have.
I started babysitting at age 10, got a “real” job as soon as it was possible, and saved up $18K by my freshmen year in college. I went to a private university, and paid the entire tuition myself by working in the summers and taking out moderate loans. I was way more prepared for the “real” world upon graduation (because I had already been in it) than my friends whose parents had footed the bill for their college.
My parents somehow managed to get piano lessons in for all of us kids. We never had any “real” vacations, but used them to visit family all over the country, which was loads of fun for us kids. We were a military family, so our health care costs were covered (I know this is a HUGE barrier to large families now).
Gosh, I hope having more than two kids is not the irresponsible thing to do–I’m in trouble if so. We have to remember there a lot of life lessons to be naturally learned in a big family–and they are free!
[...] long before this little discussion took place, I had followed this post over at Early Mama, discussing the same question. The theme of the post was, of course, that [...]