People of my generation are in a unique situation: Many of us are products of 20-something parents (my mom was considered “old” at 27), yet were raised on “girl power” slogans in a “you-don’t-need-a-man-to-be-happy” culture. Divorces were more common than ever, as were powerful female role models and women CEOs.
As a feminist (or, rather, just a decent human being), I think it was an incredible time to grow up — with women being afforded freedoms and opportunities that even a decade ago weren’t as common. Our mothers told us to never rely on a man — financially or emotionally. To make ourselves happy. To follow our dreams and be whoever we want to be.
But on the flip side, we’re also young enough to see the Gen X teenagers grow up, rebel against the “soccer mom” cliché, follow the aforementioned advice and focus on themselves — their careers, the coveted corner office, the freedom of finding oneself. And we’re now seeing that generation of women who chose career over family struggle with infertility, miscarriages, the pressure of having children before it’s biologically too late.
I would never suggest that we go back to the days when women were “expected” to be mothers by 23 years old. I fully understand when 35-year-old women say that they simply had no idea who they were 10 years ago and needed more time to figure themselves out. But this article (The Aniston Syndrome: What Happens to Women Who Wait Too Long) is written by a woman who is reflecting on her generation’s choices, and she brings up an interesting perspective:
I think it’s important to think about the long run and your fertility in your twenties more than I and many of my peers did. My version of feminism taught me that I had to be in perfect control and have all my ducks in a row – the perfect relationship, the perfect career, enough financial power – before I was ready to become a mother, and I now see that control and perfectionism hurt me and wasted a lot of my procreative power. If I could go back ten years, I might tell my younger self that there is never a perfect time to have a baby in terms of your life circumstances and not everything has to be perfect. And rather than just living for the moment, I would tell her to deeply consider her future family and how she might want it to look— keeping in mind that it does get harder and harder to get pregnant as you get older. This is different than settling for the less than perfect guy, but I do think that by better balancing your priorities, younger women may choose different kinds of relationships with men.
And isn’t that true? The 20-something years are now defined as the “finding yourself” years, where it’s normal to jump from one relationship to the next, never wanting to “settle down” before you need to. And if a 20-something woman decides to start a family, become a mother, it’s generally viewed as naive, unplanned, irresponsible. How could any young woman allow herself to get pregnant in this day and age?
What I’m wondering is this: How many people are choosing (or wanting to choose) early motherhood because their priorities are different than the Gen X standard? Because they’ve seen older women deal with fertility issues, regret, stress at a certain age? Because they want to be a young mom?
In a broader sense: Do you think they’ll be a trend of younger moms as the decade goes on? I can’t tell you how many smart, educated, ambitious young women have confided that they wish they could just be mothers right now. That they’re envious of my situation, while so many older women look at me with pity.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on the issue — no matter what your opinion. I’m writing an article on the subject and could use the feedback.
23 Comments to Backlash to Gen X: Is Young Motherhood a Trend?
Monica
May 17, 2011 at 9:26 pm
I just had my first child 2 months ago at the age of 26. I was married for 6 months when I found out we were expecting. Although we planned on having children, we wanted to wait a little longer. However, I’m happy that we started our family at this time in our life because I look at my sisters-in-law and see the issues they are having with having toddlers in their mid-30′s. I’m happy that we never got accustomed to a lifestyle that involves going out a lot or buying things “just because” because now we don’t have to give anything up in order for me to stay at home with our daughter. I’m happy that by the time we hope to be done with having children, I’ll be in my early 30′s and will be able to enjoy my mid life with my husband and the kids will be grown and fending for themselves.
Catherine
May 17, 2011 at 10:34 pm
Interesting post!
Personnally, I chose to be a mother at 22 – my son was borned 2 1/2 years ago, just after I turned 23. Soon after that, my friends decided to have kids as well, we’re now a lot to have young kids and I think it’s a choice that we love!
christina
May 18, 2011 at 12:32 am
I had an older mom (she was 37 when I was born) and I think she was worried about me starting my family at 24. She was concerned that I hadn’t had a chance to be young and carefree and always warned me about how hard motherhood is. I think the thing to remember is that becoming a mother will be hard no matter how old you are. Its hard when you’re young perhaps because you don’t have a lot of resources and you struggle with balancing your personal ambitions and desires with making sacrifices for your kids, but its hard when you’re older because you don’t have the same energy and stamina that you did when you were younger, and you’ve probably become used to a certain lifestyle that has to drastically change to accommodate a baby. I think one difference between my generation and my mother’s is that my husband and I intend to expand the things we like to do and include our children in them rather than just give up everything that makes us who we are. We don’t feel that our kids should grow up thinking the universe revolves around them, because it doesn’t. We want them to be a very important part of our lives, but we don’t feel like we have to end everything else in our lives now just because we have children to care for. It seems that sometimes when you’ve waited a long time to have children that once you have them there’s this sense that they have to be your whole world.
michellehorton
May 18, 2011 at 12:46 am
All excellent points, Christina. Exactly how I feel. I’m wondering if there’s anyone out there that’s chosen to be a young mom specifically because of issues they’ve seen older women go through — regret, fertility issues, panic at a certain age, etc.
emeeks
May 18, 2011 at 1:44 am
I think for me it’s a combination of seeing Gen X women and women who weren’t as influenced by it. The image of Liz Lemon from 30 Rock is obviously satire, but what makes satire funny is its basis in reality. She’s a 40 year old woman who is utterly devoted to a career, but also desperately wants children, but through various circumstances can’t have them. It’s heartbreaking to watch, and it’s a reflection of what so many women are feeling now. On the other hand, my mother was 25 when she started having kids, and was 30 when she had me. I was the last, and now that I’m in college and my parents are not paying for college for my siblings, they’re doing all sorts of fun things. As I write this, they’re in Belgium at the beginning of a 5 week trip all over Europe, and they’re going to India later in the year. I think that I’d much rather be spending holidays with my husband in my 50s than dealing with teenagers. I’m sure that I’m greatly influenced by my mother, but I also would like to not have to worry about fertility. I got married at 20, and am adamant that being married hasn’t stopped me from having fun or pursuing my dreams. I can’t see how having children would be any different.
Gillian
May 18, 2011 at 4:29 am
I am new here (2nd post!) and am a 24 yr old mother to a 2-year-old. My mother was 34 when she met my father, 36 by the time she met me. In the 1980′s, you had the culture clash–old generations suggesting she have kids before it was too late, and her peers, mostly childless, urging her not to have children. Of course, love won, as it always does.
When I was growing up, I always envied girls with younger mothers, who could relate culturally, have energy etc. My mother went back to work when I was five, and for the next 10 years I did not see much of her! She was miserable as a SAHM (so she has told me) and was happy to go back to work. She always asked if she did enough, but I think after 40, you simply do not have enough energy (especially after an 8 hr work day).
When I met my future husband, I was 21 years old, and in my mind I wanted kids; but it was not something I could really talk about with anyone -TABOO in our culture. Thankfully, my husband grew up half way around the world, and was ready to have kids also.
Hilary
May 18, 2011 at 11:58 am
Well, my situation is that my husband is turning 32 this year while I have just turned 26.
We chose to become parents shortly after marriage (pregnant by 9 months post wedding, baby by 18 months) mainly because Brian is already in his 30′s. He had been married previously and I think in many ways he was much more ready to become a parent than I was.
However, I was persuaded to his side when I saw his parents. My own parents had me when they were 27 and subsequently had 2 more kids, each 4 years apart, last child at like 35 or 36. She tells me it kept and is keeping her young, but I liked the look of Brian’s family better. They had two kids relatively young and close together. They are now spending their time traveling when they’re not working. I really like the sound of that
I have a 5 month old now and have not regretted our decision to have children so soon (hm… except I have had the occasional stab of jealousy when my friends jet off to new foreign places). We’re already planning more in a year or two, because Mr. Jameson needs a brother or sister.
Betsy
May 18, 2011 at 3:21 pm
This post, and your entire blog, really makes me think about all my preconceived notions of starting families young. I had babies relatively late in life, I was just shy of 36 with my first, and 41 with my second. I have always, sadly, seen motherhood as some sort of obstacle or limiation and young motherhood as a mistake of some kind. I realized, over time, my opinion is naive, arrogant and based on my own fears, nothing more. Having two daughters, I need look harder at all sides of the coin and accept that there are more ways than one to go about making a happy life. Thanks.
michellehorton
May 18, 2011 at 4:24 pm
That’s wonderful to hear, Betsy. That’s exactly what I’m hoping to achieve. Good luck to you!
Jasmine
May 19, 2011 at 12:51 pm
I just had my first daughter at 21. I was 20 when I got pregnant, and also when I got married. I think that the whole “if you have kids young you’re dumb” thing is absolutely absurd! Women have been having children as teenagers since the dawn of time. This age restraint thing is just in the past idk hundred years? And I am absolutely NOT bashing women who want to wait or focus on their careers, I completely respect that. What I’m saying is why do they get to bash the women who want to start a family young? Either way its a PERSONAL choice.
Britney
May 19, 2011 at 4:00 pm
I hadn’t even thought that the new standard was to wait until your 30s to have children until I was 24 and pregnant and though, “But I’m so young!”. It felt taboo to me to be pregnant, like I was being judged for having children at my age. It sounds ridiculous, but the thing is, I did get stares when my husband and I went out. “How old are you?”, they’d ask. I hadn’t been expecting to have children until my thirties. Now that she’s here, though, I find that I’m so glad that we started now (albeit “accidentally”) rather than waiting until later.
Sarah
May 19, 2011 at 4:37 pm
As someone who will be 30 this year, I’m looking forward to starting a family within the next couple of years. I wasn’t out to carve some stellar career or anything but I did want to make sure I had a decent batch of life experience to bring to my Motherhood table. I will admit that when I hear someone is pregnant in their early 20′s, my initial thoughts are not, “Yay! Congrats!” I usually have reservations about the whole idea. But, I also recognize that part of that reaction comes from my own experiences, I knew when I was younger that I would NOT be able to care for a child, I just didn’t have the mindset for it. I suppose I also have my own Mother to look at as a model since she was “old” when she had me at 27 and considered even “older” when she had my sister at 36. And, whether you’re 20 or 40 and deciding to have children, the most important aspect is whether or not you can properly care for them and provide them the supportive and loving environment they’ll need to thrive. Are there moments when I have felt that I should have had children when I was younger, of course, am I glad now, in hindsight, that I didn’t have them, yes! There was just too much going on in my life to make bringing a child into this world make any sense! My perspective on young Mom’s has been changing to a more positive spin perhaps though, because I am so ready for children in my life now.
Lauren Rodriguez
May 19, 2011 at 6:12 pm
I am so glad to have read this article! I agree with you 100%. I have tried to explain this many times to my family to no avail — everyone thinks I’m crazy! I got pregnant at 19 and had my son when I was 20. Even though I felt ready, it was how everyone else reacted that made me feel like I had made a huge mistake.
The way I look at it is like this: the most important thing I could ever do with my life is be a mother and be a part of my own family that my husband and I created. That is so much more important and fulfilling to me than a career and all our feminist “values” we have grown up with. Of course, I am so glad that we have the CHOICE to do and be whatever we want to, I still just can’t think of anything that could be better than being a mom — so why wait?
Thanks for posting. You are one of the only people that disagrees with the viewpoint that because I didn’t spend these next ten years of my life trying to find myself and follow the path everyone should take (high school, college, grad school, career, get married, etc) that I really screwed up. I think it’s just the opposite!
michellehorton
May 19, 2011 at 6:20 pm
I understand what you’re saying — I even sometimes look at 21-year-old pregnant women and think Wow, she’s so young! And I was a 21-year-old pregnant woman!! I think it’s hard to judge someone else’s readiness based on age because once you’re a mother, you’re still bombarded with the same responsibilities and overwhelming emotions. But some young women simply aren’t ready while others are. And I hope to show other young women that there’s hope beyond the negative stereotypes and maybe even change the perception to some older moms.
Jenna
May 19, 2011 at 8:13 pm
Before I had my daughter I was working in childcare for several families, all gen Xers who didn’t have children until their mid-late 30s. I’m not super in shape my any stretch of the imagination but I saw how much easier it was for me to run around with the little kids than it was for them, not to mention how often one of them would throw their backs out lifting a small child. That definitly influenced my and my husband’s decision to have our daughter when I was 22. I’m now 24 (he’s 26) and we’re expecting a son which will be added to the mix in a few months and couldn’t be happier.
I echo the sentiment of a few other posters too that I think in our generation (or at least among my group of friends) we have a different idea of what parenthood means. The gen X moms I know told me many times about how we should travel and “find ourselves” before even thinking about procreating, making it sound like life and who we were as individuals would cease to exist after we had kids. We decided though that we didn’t think it was healthy to give our lives up for children but saw them as a wonderful edition to our family and that we could all benifit from growing, learning, and discovering ourselves together.
I don’t feel like I’m missing out on any big life adventures by having children, rather I think our big life adventures are made more complete by including them in the experience.
Jessica
May 22, 2011 at 2:12 am
Love this post! I had planned to be a later mom, but in meeting and marrying my husband, my plans changed and I became, with time and some life experiences, wiser. A career-girl at heart, suddenly, I realized that along with the career I wanted babies. I realized in seeing gen x moms wait, then struggle with infertility that what I thought I wanted wasn’t really what I wanted. I realized that all the things I said I needed to have before considering children could wait. And, they are now waiting.
Becca
May 26, 2011 at 10:13 pm
I never wanted to get married, much less have children. I met my husband when I was a senior in High School and we married when I was 21 (he’s 5 years older than me). Everyone thought I was either stupid or pregnant to get married “so young”, but I knew I wanted to spend my life with him. After meeting him, I slowly came around to wanting children. Because of the economy, we ended up moving in with his parents and have now been here 2 years. I’m in my last year at university and we are expecting our first child in october. I’m 24, and people ask me all the time if I’m married and if it was planned-when they hear my answer of yes to both, they are shocked. I know too many people who can’t have children or wait too long and then are on fertility treatments. I didn’t want that to be me, so we decided to start our family now. Even though I’m still in school,and people think I’m nuts, I don’t care. We have a live in nanny with his mother who doesn’t work and we love each other more than life itself. How is that not a perfect situation to bring a child into?
Sarah
May 27, 2011 at 3:16 pm
I’ll try and be as brief as possible (also ’cause I’m on my lunch break)
I am not an early mama, and I won’t be. By the time my fiancé and I are able to have children, I’ll be, minimum, 27. Which is fine, and what I had always planned for. My mom was 36 when she had me and always told me how important it was to have fun in your twenties before settling down to marriage and babies. Which I believed, and preached, with gutso. And then a couple of things happened.
1. I was a nanny for a summer.
We plan on five kiddos 
And it just slayed me. In a good and bad way. I saw how tough it was on his mom (who was a work at home mom for 9 months out of the year) to leave her 7 month old with me. I saw his first steps. I knew what the cries meant. And it slayed me in a good way. I never knew how much fun it would be to be a stay at home mom (which a nanny is, for all intensive purposes) I loved it. I loved the naps and the playing. I even loved it when it drove me crazy. That summer made me reconsider my “I could never be a stay at home mom” thinking. And while I still maintain I’ll likely work at least part time, it’ll probably be from home.
2. I fell in love with my fiancé at 22.
While that might not seem young to you, for a girl who’s parents married when they were 29 and 31, it sure as heck felt young. And we started planning our lives together and I reconsidered that getting married in my early twenties might actually be a fabulous idea. And we got (officially) engaged last week.
In closing:
I guess I don’t think early motherhood is a trend. I think it’s the natural outgrowth of feminism. Feminism, at it’s core, is about giving women options. The knee jerk reaction of our moms to not have babies until they were in their 30′s is because growing up they were told they HAD to have babies in their twenties. Of course, given the option, most were going to choose to explore the other side of the coin (careers, no responsibility etc)
But their daughters (us) who grew up with the knowledge that “Well of course I can do whatever I want, thankyouverymuch” are taking a look around and deciding that maybe motherhood is what they want. And maybe it isn’t. But because we were always taught we had the choice to do whatever we wanted to do, we feel comftorable looking inside ourself and figuring it out.
I hope that makes sense
Shelley
June 3, 2011 at 4:23 am
Hi Michelle,
My husband and I decided to have kids “young” because of two couples, and some reasons of our own. The first was his parents. They had him when they were 42 and 44. He grew up with people assuming his parents were his grandparents, and not only did he not want that stigma for our children, he also didn’t want to feel so decrepit that he couldn’t play with his grandchildren or tour the world once the kids left. The second couple that influenced us was his brother and sister-in-law. They decided to wait to try for kids until they had the perfect house, perfect jobs, money in the bank, etc. They were in their 30′s when they started trying for kids, and only then did they discover their infertility. So now, 3 or 4 years later, they’re doing all kinds of treatments and shelling out thousands of their hard-earned money to try to have kids.
We also figured that if we waited for the perfect job, house, savings account or life, that it would never happen. We knew we were comfortable in our marriage and had gotten used to each other, so we were ready emotionally. Our daughter was born 10 days before my 27th birthday. I don’t feel like I was “young” to have her, but I guess compared to 42 I was. We are very blessed, and even though we struggle more financially than we might have had we waited, I still know that it was the perfect timing for us.
Alex
June 3, 2011 at 7:17 am
I had my daughter when I was 26. I grew up with parents who were 36 and 37 when their first child (me) was born. My mom always told me to start younger, and I can remember being disappointed when my dad could no longer horse around with us because of his back. He was in his mid-40s, we were 7 and 4. My mom struggled terribly with my younger brother as teenager, and I honestly think a lot of it was that she was just too tired and, in her mid-to-late 50s, dealing with menopause and her own developing health problems. They had actually wanted a third child, but my mom, already in her early 40s, wasn’t able to get pregnant. All of that solidified my decision not to wait too long. And a lot of my close friends growing up wanted the same thing – kids in our late 20s.
But life changes, and I think a lot of women today are really under pressure NOT to have kids that early, although it really isn’t extremely early at all. After working for a while, most of us found ourselves back in graduate school in our late 20s and I was the only one who thought, well, now’s as good a time as any. But this was because I was in a program that supported taking time off for having children and allowed me to take a semester off and not have to pay for it. I think the cost of higher education – not just if you are currently in school, but the amount of debt many households are saddled with just as they’re starting out, definitely plays a role. A lot of my friends didn’t find the right guy until recently or haven’t found him yet – I was lucky that I met my husband when I was 22. But I’m the only one of my close friends that are my age that has kids now, and it probably will stay that way for the next few years.
I’ve thought a lot about this, and I came to the same conclusion as the author on the “Aniston syndrome” quoted in your article. There’s never a perfect time. There will always be a reason not to have kids just at that moment, or several reasons. But if having kids is important to you, at some point, you just have to go for it. For various reasons, I hit that point “early”, and although it scares me sometimes not to have everything else perfect in my life, I also question when it would have been really “perfect” enough. In the end, I’m really happy I had my daughter when I did.
Olivia
June 3, 2011 at 2:34 pm
I got married at 25 and never wanted kids. My husband really wanted some so I decided to compromise and have only one. However, I always said I wanted a child before 30 because I had read too many stories of women having trouble conceiving because of age and I want to be retired and having fun with just my husband when my son is in college. By the time I got married I had already had my “fun and carefree” days and I still have fun with my husband and we travel a lot. I will be 28 when we have our son and I think it’s the perfect time for us. We both will be done with school and yet not so involved in our careers where we would have to make some serious decisions regarding work and parenting. We may not have a lot of money but we are emotionally stable so it will be fine. I agree that feminisim is about choice-the freedome to choose the right option for each woman without judgement.
Olivia
June 3, 2011 at 2:36 pm
I also think there’s a huge difference between a young woman getting pregnant while still in school, unmarried, and living with her mom than one who is the same age but married (or in a real committed relationship) and more financially and emotionally secure. It’s not the age that really matters-its where each person is in life, body, and soul.
Kari R.
September 22, 2011 at 7:57 pm
Personally, I don’t think it is a “trend” to become a young mom. Especially in areas where the cost of living is high (like San Diego, where I live) because it is hard for young people to be settled enough to start a family. More than ever, people are waiting to have children until later in life, so if we are seeing a rise in young mothers (which I have not noticed) it would be a return to the way things used to be, not a new trend.
I am a “young” mother. I am 24 (my husband is 26) and we have a 9 month old daughter. I’ve been married for 2 years but I’ve been with my husband for over 6 years. I went to college, graduated, and started my career path. We decided to have our daughter when the time was right for us. And that’s how it should be for everyone- having a baby when it is the right time.
I think there are some good things about having children young- as long as you are prepared for a child. My conception, pregnancy and birth were easy, because our bodies are biologically ready to have children when we are young. This fact does not change, though our culture, goals and life choices may.
I love my daughter and we are a happy family. I don’t think my priorities are different. I wanted to be educated, married and working before I had my baby, and I was. I just grew up and settled faster than my friends.