The Young Mom Stereotype

05.3.11

 

Let’s not dance around the subject.

Let’s get it all out there.

Although being a teen mom is an entirely different, uniquely challenging experience from the 20-something  mom, we’re still relatively grouped into the same category — at least to the rest of the world. And if the shows Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant teach the world anything (besides don’t get knocked up in high school), it’s that young motherhood comes along with drug charges, promiscuity and bad choices. That young motherhood is an irresponsible accident limited to the uneducated, the disadvantaged or the fiercely religious. Young motherhood is not wanted. And even those who are 23, 24, 25 years old will still be judged, speculated, gossiped about.

Of course she’d get pregnant young. She’s “that type.”

I recently read a story over at The Stir about a teenage girl, a straight-A student, who told everyone in her life she was pregnant. She quickly faced rumors and judgments in her high school halls — being labeled the “bad girl” and being told she was “expected” to get pregnant. Then six months later she pulled off the fake, padded belly. She wanted to prove that pregnant teenagers get treated differently, get unfairly judged. And she made her point loud and clear.

And although I have no concept of how embarrassing and challenging a teenage pregnancy is, I know what it feels like to be pitied, judged, asked insensitive questions. I know what it’s like to have people search my face for an age — as if there’s a cut-off for being a competent, responsible mom and a mom that’s taken less seriously. I know what it’s like to be embarrassed to tell people my age.

But to me? I’m a young woman who has made a commitment to my family — to my young marriage, my toddler — while pursuing my dreams and ambitions. I’m an educated woman who had faulty birth control, which could have happened to anyone. I’m a woman who birthed a child and birthed a new life, a new identity, that changed the way I think and the way I feel. I’m a mother who loves her child with the same passion that I would have 10 years from now. The same passion, the same worry, the same love as any other mom. I’m a person who is constantly defending myself — more to myself than anyone else.

I am not a statistic.

Even though being a young 20-something mom used to be the norm not too long ago, there’s a certain amount of isolation, doubt and defensiveness that comes with the territory today. Motherhood itself comes with a level of insecurity (Am I screwing up my kids? Am I a terrible mom?), which brings out the Mean Girl at play group. And maybe age is just an easy target. Or maybe it’s just the new “young mom” stereotype that we’ll always have to overcome.

In starting Early Mama, I wanted to provide a place that other young moms could connect and inspire one another — to show that there are a lot of us out there who decided to start early. But I was also hoping that maybe we could change the way we’re perceived. So leave a comment below saying why you’re not a statistic. Tell us something about you, about your family, that will give the world perspective. Screw the stereotype.

 

Image: Polina Sergeeva/Flickr via The Stir

Posted in Early Motherhood, Encouragement

33 Comments to The Young Mom Stereotype

  1. Tash
    May 3, 2011 at 12:12 pm

    As a 21 year old with 2 children (4 years and 1 1/2 years) I well an truly understand ‘those’ looks and comments. I was a good student representing my area for sport and had been dating my now husband (who is also 21 years old) for 2 1/2 years when we found out we were expecting. From the moment we arrived at the doctors shocked, scared and unsure we were judged. People assumed we wouldn’t be able to care for our daughter and friends suddenly had no time for us.

    4 1/2 years on and we have both finished school and continued on to further study, we both work, live away from family and have our drivers licenses. We’ve had another (planned) child, got married and haven’t let having children stop us from achieving our goals. Yes, things are harder, yes we were young and naive and our parenting style has changed even over the last few years but we’ve done a brilliant job and no one has the right to say otherwise.

    I say good luck to young parents and hope that our story will help others not to be so quick to judge.

  2. Tiny Blue Lines
    May 3, 2011 at 12:54 pm

    How do I say how much I LOVE THIS?? If I wasn’t holding my baby on my hip, I would be standing up on my chair cheering!!

  3. mattie
    May 3, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    Loved that you said you feel like you have to defend your actions, but mostly to yourself. I do that too and I hate it. Is some of it just in our heads? Maybe, but there are definitely people who judge.

    I’m not a statistic because I have sacrificed for my son things the rest of the world deems important for me. I chose to be a mom. I do it because I love my little family and they bring me more happiness than any possession or position ever could.

  4. brittany collins
    May 3, 2011 at 1:27 pm

    LOVE THIS. totally agree!!!

  5. Jenna
    May 3, 2011 at 1:44 pm

    I have to first tell you Thank you for this website! i am so glad i found it!
    I am almost 26 with a 3 year old daughter and 1 year old son. who are my world! both were planned and after i was married but like you said that didn’t matter when i was only 22 having my daugher , i was called a “teen mom” by my grandmother! yes my grandmother! i just thought to myself HOW can i have the same struggle as a teen mom when i am married, in love, and planned to have a baby and grow our family?! i didn’t get it! i still to this day feel like when i am out with my kids that i need to make sure my wedding rings are showing so people don’t think “that poor girl with 2 kids so young”. it’s dumb that i feel like that but i do i feel their eyes on my when i walk into a store.
    I am NOT a statistic, i will love & be with my husband & father of my kids until we die, i an a loving mom who stays home with my kids, i work just as hard as a working mom, i keep our house clean & make it a HOME that my children & husband are safe and happy in! no matter how my eye rolls i get or how many “you look 16″ comments i got , i will never regret the path i took!

  6. Jenna
    May 3, 2011 at 1:46 pm

    Sometimes i wonder if it is in my head too Mattie, maybe it is a little bit, i think after one comment or get a dirty look, i get self- cinscious.

  7. Emily
    May 3, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    I am a young mother. I had my first child at the age of 24 and my second at the age of 27. In my mind I was an old mother…isn’t that funny. I grew up in a culture that expected you to be married by 19 and have your first child at 20. I did not fit into the mold of a mormon mommy. I actually did get married very young…I was 19…but I chose to wait for 5 years to bring a child into my life. I THOUGHT that I was doing the right thing and doing something different. I was wrong…I was judged by the culture I lived in and the world around me. I was too selfish in the mormon world and too dumb in the world around me. It is crazy. I still struggle with being a mom…I struggle everyday…it really isn’t something I am “good” at…but I do love my kids and I do try to be the best I can. I don’t stay at home with my kids (also a big no-no in the Mormon culture), I enjoy what I do for work and what I have decided is best for me and my family. But I am glad that I had my kids when I did…I can’t imagine starting at 30…I would be WAY too tired. Thanks for your blog…and giving us young mamas a voice. you are doing a great work.

  8. Christina
    May 3, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    In high school, I was the head cheerleader dating the football star. I followed him to college, and came back a year later… pregnant and alone. It was a challenge I learned to embrace. I am not a statistic because at 21, I have a bachelors degree (in statistics LOL), and a 20 month old daughter. And a sweet scar from the brain surgery I had when she was 9 months.
    I’m so glad I found this site!

  9. Fannie
    May 3, 2011 at 2:45 pm

    I am one of the youngest in my graduate school class (at 24). And I’m pregnant, by choice. I got comments from professors and classmates, pitying and surprised looks, figurative ‘pats-on-the head’ telling me that they feel bad for me, because I’m so young. And it makes me seriously consider hitting them with one of my very large textbooks.

    I hate that I feel that I need to explain myself. Explain why we decided to try and get pregnant. Why we didn’t wait longer. Why I’m in graduate school. When frankly, it’s no one else’s business. I need to quit defending myself, build myself an internal shield from the judgement and criticism – because it doesn’t matter. What matters is my family.

    Starting a family is a incredibly personal choice. And I think we should all get a high five, or box of chocolates, or a free years supply of diapers (I wish) for taking on the challenge of raising children, of being willing to love and change our lives and our perspective for our babies. Motherhood is amazing. And all motherhood, in all her many many forms, should be celebrated.

  10. Fannie
    May 3, 2011 at 2:51 pm

    Isn’t it crazy living in both of those worlds? I know the struggle!! I want to tell people who are giving me their advice or comments, “My decisions about my family and life are between Heavenly Father, me, and my husband.” (and adding on, “Not you, so shove off.”)
    Thankfully I have a good group of supportive friends I can turn to. Friends in my church who don’t judge, who just support me in whatever I choose, and I do the same for them. I hope you have a group of friends like that you can turn to, it makes it easier to ignore the well-intentioned, but obnoxious, comments from others.

  11. Elizabeth
    May 3, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    I am so thankful for your blog and this post, especially. When my (soon to be) husband and I first decided to try to have a baby I was 22. It didn’t take long. At that first prenatal nurse interview I was asked if I take illegal drugs. When I said no she replied with, “Well, we’ll see anyway.” I was mortified. Seriously? I’ve lived on my own for years, have a good job, pay my bills, and hang out with a great group of people in a very strong community. Its unfortunate that people have these misconceptions.

  12. Christina
    May 3, 2011 at 6:04 pm

    First of all, thanks so much for being strong and tackling this issue! I just found you blog and it has really helped process some of my struggles as a young mom. My husband and I found out that we were expecting 2 months after we got married, not to mention that we were both jobless. My family and his family was great, and since we were so new to our church and jobs, all of those people were great (there wasn’t really any comments or strange perceptions from them). However, my best friends and peers that i grew up with definitely said all kinds of things. They always asked if I was “ok” and wanted to process my feelings of a “unplanned pregnancy” (umm.. i’m married- it wasnt that “unplanned”.)
    Once, at one of my closets friends engagement party, someone started a joke, about who would get pregnant nexted. After everyone pointing fingers around the room, the last person actually said “keep that over there” and pointed to my 4 week old little girl. REALLY!! {oh btw- the man who said that will be a father of his first in about 2 months- right about the same time my daught turns 1.}

    I pretty much have to beg all of my old college friends to hang out with me. But on of the great things about our church is that we have found others would love and cherish us and our little girl.I would definitely trade in those relationships for my little girl. My husband and I found jobs, and have saved aver $12,000, almost finished remodling our home and are starting our own non profit- plus had a baby- all in one year! (and I- along with the rest of you beautiful ladies on the site- will get to enjoy our adulthood when our kids grow up!) Thanks so much~

  13. Tiny Blue Lines
    May 3, 2011 at 8:47 pm

    Such great comments and stories from other moms. I had to check back and see what all the other moms were saying. I had an awful mom day today–tantrums galore and one potty accident, so this is great to come here and be inspired! Thanks to all the fellow young moms!

  14. elizabethjayneliu-flourishinprogress
    May 3, 2011 at 10:44 pm

    What a fabulous place for young moms to have a voice.

    I had my daughter at 19. I was unmarried at the time, and being Asian, I felt a huge stigma from the Asian community. My family wanted to keep it hush-hush, but I was proud of my daughter and wanted to make the best possible life for her. It took a while, but we made our way.

    I’m now 30 and the proud mama of a middle schooler. I got married to a man 4 years ago that I dated for a short 18 days. Crazy, yes, but he’s a wonderful man and he legally adopted my daughter last year.

    It’s been a wild ride, but it’s been so much more than just wild and crazy. It’s made me the woman I am today. So glad to find your site. xo, elizabeth

  15. Gretchen
    May 3, 2011 at 11:20 pm

    I’m 24, married, working professional with a Masters degree and a 7 month old. I’m definitely not a statistic :) It was all planned like that too!

  16. Megan
    May 4, 2011 at 12:34 am

    I have to reiterate what the previous commenters have said: I love this blog! I never in a million years thought that being an expectant mom at 25 would be considered young. My mom was 26 when she had me. I am not a statistic for a variety of reasons. 1) My husband and I are both college grads, with BA’s in English / Spanish & American Studies, respectively. I went right to graduate school, which brings us to number 2: I have a Master’s degree…in the liberal arts no less. I got it in a year. I wasn’t even married when I finished.

    Anyway, this blog is fantastic and reminds me that I have the ability to be a great mommy to my little guy, when he arrives. We actually planned him “early” on purpose. While on maternity leave, I’m going to get my Ph.D applications ready so I can apply for Fall 2012. My husband supports me 100%, and all he asked was that his one dream could be fulfilled before I went off and did more dream fulfilling of my own. He wants to be a dad more than anything! Thank you again!

  17. Monica
    May 4, 2011 at 1:36 am

    I waited till marriage to have sex, my children were wanted from the day I got engaged, probably from the day I started dating my husband. And we planned on me being a stay at home, but I still got my masters, I am glad I did because now I can work one day a week as a Math Curriculum Coach. I am truly blessed.

  18. Samantha
    May 5, 2011 at 11:57 am

    I guess technically I was a teen mom although I was out of high school. I was 19 (almost 20) when my first son was born. I had so much support from my family since both my mom and grandmother had their children young and that was more important than what strangers thought of me. I knew having them young would give me the energy that I wouldn’t have later. AND both my brother and I were out of the house by the time my mom was 41 so I saw all the pros first-hand.

  19. Jeanne
    May 5, 2011 at 12:56 pm

    This. This is my life. Feeling like there’s always a judgment when I reveal my age, feeling like I have to run down the numbers: graduated at 16, blah, blah, blah, before getting into how much my daughter was wanted and how well loved she is.

  20. Brittany
    May 5, 2011 at 2:26 pm

    I love this blog. My husband and I had my daughter at 19 and since then I have heard it all. People are down right rude. Who says that you cannot be a parent and have a successful personal and professional life?? It is all in what you want our of YOUR life. For me I wanted to marry young and have a family. That never mean’t that I could not pursue an education and provide for my children. I am doing it all and feel immensely satisfied with where I am right now. Thank you for this post.

  21. Roya Kamrani
    May 5, 2011 at 6:21 pm

    Wow! I stumbled upon you website and am amazed to find women who went/felt the same way I did and still do. I became pregnant with my son at 22, he was born one month after I graduated college. Although, we were not planning on having children at this point our life, my son is by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. Thank you for opening the discussion for “young 20 something” moms.

  22. Natalia Nanton
    May 7, 2011 at 6:32 am

    Wow. Good for you for writing this post and all the power to you young mamas! You said it right. Screw the stereotype!!

  23. Natalie
    August 13, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    I am NOT a statistic. I am 24years old who has a steady job for the last 5 years, I own my home, have been in the same relationship for the last 9 years and have a beautiful 1year old! I am not a statistic.

  24. Amber
    August 20, 2011 at 1:58 am

    I did not care for the first paragraph of this article. But did enjoy the rest. As I got pregnant 2 months after I turned 19. I was on the pill and it failed because I wasn’t the best at remembering to take it. I am now a proud mother of a beautiful almost 2 year old daughter named Aubrey. Even though she wasn’t planned, I would not change my decision in having her at all. My daughter has changed my life for the better!

  25. J.
    December 26, 2011 at 4:35 am

    I completely agree! People seem to think because I had my baby at 25 and I look younger that he was an accident or I’m a single mom, especially when my husband isn’t with us. For a while, I refused to leave the house with the baby if he wasn’t with us. In fact, my husband and I were married for a year before we started trying, and I ended up being infertile and having to do a year of fertility treatments due to hormone levels/abnormal uterus. I tell people that when they ask if he was planned etc. It makes them realize how intrusive their questions are, and how very much none of their business my reproductive organs are.

  26. Bryanna
    April 29, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    My name is Bryanna. i am 18 years old but when i had my daughter i was 16. I decided to keep my baby and raise her very aware of what was to come. I knew there wasn’t gonna be anything easy about being a mom at a young age. I left high school when i was pregnant my freshman year and had a in home tutor. Sophomore year i went back to school, moved out of my moms house, and the whole time was raising my daughter alone. I faced death and birth all at the same time. Well, 3 years later i will be graduating high school and moving on to college. I will be furthering my education so i can receive a good job and provide everything to my daughter. I am not a statistic..

  27. Kallah Oakes
    November 30, 2012 at 2:28 am

    I can’t express how much I love this… Everything you write about here is seriously relevant for me!
    I had my baby at 22, and it transformed my life.
    I always feel so nervous joining “Mommy Groups” cause I am not that typical suburban yuppie mom who waited until the last possible time to “settle down” and have a baby, who was a grown woman first for awhile, but now is just 100% mama.
    Because I became a mother so young, I’ve had to learn how to be myself, just ME, a young energetic woman, as well as a mother. I count this as a huge bonus!

    I definitely stick out like a sore thumb when, despite how much I adore my son, I don’t just talk about baby products and diaper rash cream brands and birthday plans etc.

    Every mom is uniquely suited for her own child’s needs, but I’m so excited I have this season of being a fun, energetic, individualistic young woman – to share WITH my children!

  28. Sophia
    December 24, 2012 at 10:28 pm

    First I have to say thank you. As a writer myself and having just found out I’m pregnant at 25, this blog is nothing short of inspirational. It’s strange, because I think a lot of this comes down to culture. In the UK very few people get married young and most young mothers have babies out of wed-lock. I am not married, in fact I have only been with my partner for four months and this pregnancy was completely unplanned yet, as many things, could have been avoided. In this sense, perhaps I am a statistic.

    However, I love my partner very much, he is one of the most decent, special people I’ve ever met and even if it doesn’t work out between us (how can you ever know for sure?), I feel sure he will make a fantastic father and will remain a treasured friend. I have a BA (hons) in English literature and will finish my MA, which I’m doing alongside a diploma, a couple of months before my due date. I have three teachers qualifications and have lived in Sri Lanka, Czech Republic, America and China. I have written for publications around the world. I have LIVED. Can we really put anyone in a box? Do any of us have the right to judge? We’re all doing the best we can and that, that is bloody fantastic!

  29. April
    April 3, 2013 at 6:56 pm

    Thank you!

  30. Charly
    April 12, 2013 at 7:42 pm

    Wow! I’m 25 and graduating from BYU this June. I actually feel a lot of pressure to get married and have kids soon. The average age of first marriage here is 24.1 for women. So fascinating how culture varies so widely.

  31. michellehorton
    April 12, 2013 at 7:57 pm

    Hi Charly — yes, the Mormon culture definitely has a get-married-and-start-making-babies-young tradition. (The average age is 27+ for the country, with stats reaching 30 years in Western Europe.) But because of this, I’ve found SO many inspiring young Mormon mothers, especially in the blogosphere. Congratulations on your upcoming graduation!!

  32. Shayna
    April 14, 2013 at 7:26 pm

    I was 22 when I had my son. When I was pregnant a couple people gave me concerned looks. No one has said anything to me, thankfully. I have gotten a couple of looks while i’ve held my son in my arms. But I too feel the weight of the “young mom” stereotype on my shoulders. Not to mention people presume it’s funny to perpetuate this stereotype. There are some young mothers who have children so they don’t have to get jobs or go to school. But to generalize all young mothers, mothers who had their babies without ulterior motives, who love their babies with unbridled devotion, who would jump in front of a bus for their littles ones, who work hard or go to school to give them a good life (or have every intention to when their baby is a little older so they don’t miss those pivetol moments..first steps etc.). These women do not deserve to be painted with the same paintbrush. And you know what…those women who have children for the wrong reasons soon learn that being responsible for another human being is much harder than school or work combined. People can be so hateful, so ignorant. Thank you for starting a community for young moms.

  33. Moriah
    May 1, 2013 at 4:09 am

    This is a wonderful site, I had my little girl when I was 19 and it was amazing to me how many rude people are out there. When my daughter was a couple months old a woman said me and my husband we are way to young and ignorant to have a child she said she felt sad for her and our baby should be taken from us and to top it off she was working for a charity to get donations. The nerve of some people ever since then it’s made me realize no one matters but my family we are happy, love each other, eat and have house with nice clothes. What more could you want? The age I am should have nothing to do with my ability to parent, end of story!

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