04.25.11
My son is officially out of the baby stage, which has generated one single question above his language skills, eating habits and fashion choices. When will we have the next one?
The next one.
It’s not a new question. It wasn’t even 24 hours after I had my son that someone jokingly said, “Ready to do that again?” And that’s what it was at first — something I could laugh off. Going through his first year, we decided to focus on our careers and our bank accounts and the kinds of basics that are normally established pre-baby. I really didn’t think about having “the next one” — not until the 18-month mark. That’s when I started doing the “if I get pregnant at this time, Noah will be this old.” And then with every month crossed off, the clock has been ticking louder.
Having a surprise baby at 22 might seem like the clock can keep on ticking for another decade, and technically that’s true. But when it comes to planning a family (more specifically, siblings), there’s a bit of a dilemma: I was barely ready for one, so is it responsible to plan for another? I know there are plenty of close, happy siblings who are 5, 6, 7 years apart — but it’s not just the age difference on my mind. Young motherhood has one very big perk: You’re done earlier. While my Facebook feed is littered with summer-long treks around Europe and surprise Hawaiian getaways, that twinge of jealousy subsides when I realize that those same people will be driving from dance class to soccer games to PTA meetings while I’m sitting on the beach. So, sure, it’s entirely plausible to have children far apart, but do I want to?
Yet how could I not have a newborn again? How could I not replicate the best two years of my life? How could my sweet little boy, who rocks his stuffed animals and shushes around sleeping babies, not be the big brother he’s meant to be?
At the same time, we started as unemployed college graduates and in two short years have built ourselves promising careers — all with a baby in our arms. How can we add another baby to the mix?
If I’ve learned anything in these last three years, it’s that planning is pointless. Things will happen, will develop, when they’re meant to, regardless of how many times I think about this a day. How many times I read about siblings vs. only children. How many times I go back and forth, and then back…and then a few steps forth.
Did anyone else have this same dilemma?
49 Comments to When/If to Have Baby #2
Cree Kuka-Sweet
April 25, 2011 at 11:17 am
I had my first surprise baby 2 months ago, at age 19 and I’m wondering the same thing, though I’m leaning towards just getting it over with before I start my career really, rather than take a break just as I’m getting established. But who knows what will happen? Few want to get knocked up at 18 but I guess it could of been worse.
If you come up with a solution let me know? otherwise I’ll chuck my birth control on my 21st birthday as planned when my son will be 18 months old.
PS I think I’ll follow your blog, I was thinking of writing a similar one myself
michellehorton
April 25, 2011 at 11:27 am
Congratulations on your baby, Cree! I would love if you continued to follow along! And if you do start a similar blog, let me know. I’d love to build as many voices and perspectives as I can on this site. (Email me if you’d like to write a guest blog or be featured in a Q+A post!)
Jenna
April 25, 2011 at 11:54 am
though our first was planned i was only 22 (she will be 3 next week!!! crazy!) i had the same feelings when it came to #2, i started to get the itch when my daughter was about 16 months i think. we always said we didn’t want our kids to be more then 3 years appart but when i came down to saying ok lets start trying i was torn, between the sweet, cute , baby & the sleepless nights, 2 hour feedings, poopy diapers! After our daughter we decided to have me stay home because money wise i would just be paying for daycare if i worked, so baby #2 also meant more work on my part, but the most rewarding work! we started trying not long after so my kids ended up almost exactly 2 years appart. and i love it, don’t get me wrong it has had its hard parts! but we look at it like we get through the baby stuff now and we are done, i think if we waited 5 years then had to go through baby stuff again it would be hard. i think at the end of the day you have to decide what plan will work best for you , not perfect but best, and just go with it! everything else will fall into place!
michellehorton
April 25, 2011 at 1:01 pm
They always say the only children you regret are the ones you don’t have. I keep thinking about that…
Jenna
April 25, 2011 at 1:21 pm
that is very true, my husband and i found even though we wanted our kids to be close in age, even after we got pregnant for the second time once and a while having the scared was this the right choice, can we handle 2 so young , kind of feels, but once your in it and that baby is here that goes away and you just do it and your happy with it
the hardest part is making the decision, after that it will fall together i think either way, you will in the end be happy if you have a baby now , or in 5 years you will be happy whenyou have that baby its just picking WHEN 
amy
April 25, 2011 at 1:34 pm
My son Henry is 4 (he will be 5 in August) and I am due with our second in July. We waited because I wasn’t ready, but also because Henry wasn’t ready. Whenever anyone asked him about it (which many grandparents, relatives and other oddly personal, inquisitive types would ask quite often…) he was always staunchly against it.
I’m not saying you need permission from your children, but getting them to an age where they are comfortable with it has definitely been a plus for us. Now, he is excited about it and proud that he will be a big brother.
Crossing my fingers that this love continues through the sharing of toys, noisy crying and stinky diapers…
amy @ glass confetti
michellehorton
April 25, 2011 at 1:39 pm
Amy, that’s another huge issue for me too. Whenever I hold another baby Noah freaks out and says “My mommy!” I heard the 4 or 5 year spacing is good, but I’m not sure I would go much longer than that. I just hope I’m ready in the next year or two!
Nikki Addimando
April 25, 2011 at 1:39 pm
I, of course… think another baby is a great idea
Look how successful you are, with a SURPRISE baby! Don’t think about what other people will say or think. When you feel ready, you’re ready. Or, you know.. we could have ours together next 
and PS…. don’t think it doesn’t cross my mind every single day that I want one.. NOW. Although… I suppose I’ll wait lol You’d kill me.
nikki
April 25, 2011 at 1:40 pm
My husband and I started having kids when we were 25. I’m turning 30 in a couple weeks (yikes!) and our kids are now almost 5, 3, and almost 1 (all boys!). It is AMAZING! The boys get along so well and have so much fun together. We love it. Now our dilemma is deciding whether or not to try for a fourth (dear GOD let it be a girl this time if we do!!!!). Like your previous comment though, the only children you regret are the ones you don’t have. I think we know this and are leaning towards just one more, probably soon. I love babies a TONNE and it is so much fun, but I also want to get it done early! (Am I still an early mama now that I’m almost 30?!)
Also, I’d love to guest blog post or do a Q+A!
I blog at neilandnikki.wordpress.com about life with 3 boys and a bit of sewing thrown in there too!
Love this blog by the way- I’ve added it to my bloglovin list!
Jenna
April 25, 2011 at 1:42 pm
I agree Amy, Sophia was young and seemed ok with the baby idea while i was pregnant, & after my son was born i don’t think she talked to me for over a week! i felt so bad but she got over it after a while, i have tried to be really good at make sure you set aside time for just Sophia with us and will do the same for our son as he gets older
michellehorton
April 25, 2011 at 1:43 pm
What? I wouldn’t kill you! Although you already know my opinion. And I’m not worried about what other people will say or think, I’m worried about the timing. I’m starting to get “the itch” for another baby, but Justin still wants to be more financially secure. Which I totally get, and he’s probably right. I’m still going back and forth on the whole thing.
amee
April 25, 2011 at 1:45 pm
Our children are 4 years apart. We didn’t plan that way. I miscarried after trying and trying for a second and I decided to not worry about it and put my mind on running a marathon. 6 weeks after the marathon, I found I was pregnant with my son. Even though I sometimes wish they are closer in age, for now the gap is great. She’s old enough to understand a lot and pitch in more. Plus in the fall she starts school so I will have mornings just me a my son.
michellehorton
April 25, 2011 at 1:47 pm
Of course you’re an early mama still – you started early at 25!
If we were financially able to, we would have already had more kids. But we struggle between launching our careers (my husband and I are VERY driven) and being financially comfortable with the thought of having another baby. My husband says that once we get a house, then he’ll want another one. But my argument is that plenty of people have multiple children while renting, and if we REALLY wanted another one then that wouldn’t matter. So I think it just comes down to the fact that neither of us are ready. And since I wasn’t “ready” for the first one, I feel sort of obligated to be “ready” for the second.
michellehorton
April 25, 2011 at 1:48 pm
And I’ll send you an email about a guest post! The pictures of your boys sure makes me want a big family!
Nikki Addimando
April 25, 2011 at 1:51 pm
I completely agree and understand what Justin is saying…. but will you ever be “financially secure” in this day & age? It’d be nice… but you did pretty DARN well with Noah, being a broke college graduate
I don’t know a kid that’s turned out better.. of course, I’m slightly biased as the aunt…
michellehorton
April 25, 2011 at 1:51 pm
That’s encouraging Amee! I’ve been told that 4 years is the perfect spacing. Less jealousy and more one-on-one attention during those first 3 formative years. Right now, that’s what I’m shooting for too! I feel like even if I got pregnant right now they wouldn’t be super close in age (over 3 years apart), so I kind of missed that boat. Which does make me sad. One of our readers has triplets and I’m in a way envious that the decision was made for her, and her kids will always have that special bond. But that 4-year mark is creeping up — under a year! — so it’s coming down to decision time.
Monica
April 25, 2011 at 2:00 pm
I say go for it. I have a 2 1/2 year old and a seven month old. The first 3 months are hectic when you have 2 youngins, but it really helped that my older was potty trained before number 2 came along.That would be tons of diapers. They bond so well and I can tell they truly love each other. They are 22 months apart and I love it. My husband and I just had the conversation yesterday… So when should we go for number 3. We want our babies to grow up all together and we face some fertility issues that will just get worse with age, so we are both 26 now and figure why not. If you feel like you might be overwhelmed with 2 that young, pray. That is how I got through some of those early days. God will smile down on your determination to be an awesome mom!
michellehorton
April 25, 2011 at 2:00 pm
We basically had the rug ripped out from under us the first time around and it took a lot of adjustments and struggling. We’re in such a good place now, but we still have that taste in our mouth. So it’s a little scary, understandably.
Monica
April 25, 2011 at 2:02 pm
I love the comment “the only children you regret are the ones you don’t have.” I am always encouraging people to try now if they know they want more. I am all for procreation. I might use this now because it rings so much truth.
michellehorton
April 25, 2011 at 2:02 pm
Thanks, Monica!
Betsy
April 25, 2011 at 2:55 pm
You will be on the beach and I will be in the old folks home. Fear of pregnancy affected my decision to do it again. I wanted another, but I was scared witless of the sickness. Great post.
Jessica K
April 25, 2011 at 3:06 pm
My friend has two kids – she is turning 27 on May 1st, and is renting her current pad. Also, her husband and her were both working full time (different shifts) – although she got to work 4 10′s from home. She has finally decided though, to go back to school and quit her job. And she thinks that in perhaps two years when she’s finished with school she wants to try for a boy – before she’s 30 she said. Her girls are currently 5 and 2.
Jess K
April 25, 2011 at 3:14 pm
So, I was living in VA – 5 states away from our families (either way – GA & NY)! I was so scared – to say the least. I had a good job, so did my husband, but the only way we figured we could make it was to move back home. At that time we had been contemplating it anyhow, and I had already applied to go back to school. SO, we ended up moving home AND I went back to school – started about 7 months pregnant! hah! But now I am a stay at home mom, working on my second degree, and my husband is looking at losing his job (lay-offs, his company has no work currently even though he’s been there 9 years). And Bryan wants to have our second baby (since I’ve FINALLY convinced him to have a second baby) close to the second one. He states we have to get a bigger house though, and I have to graduate, but right after that he wants to start trying…(Tucker will be 18 months old when I graduate). So, I have a year to wait and think and prep.
haha That’s my life story so far and if all goes as planned I will have a 2 year old and a newborn at 27. (Had to throw that in there for you since it’s your favorite number). 
michellehorton
April 25, 2011 at 3:16 pm
That’s actually really funny you say that, jess, because I’ve joked that it doesn’t really matter when I WANT another baby. Whether I plan it or not, I’ll most likely have my next baby at 27. It seems inevitable! That would put them 4 – 5 years apart.
Tiny Blue Lines
April 25, 2011 at 6:02 pm
This was one of the scariest parts of my unplanned pregnancy–I thought “Now that I’ve started, I can’t stop!”
I think it’s important to have siblings, and I always wanted a sister closer to my age, so I’m really glad I was able to have my daughters close in age–they are exactly two years and two days apart!
It’s worked out great, but I’m a big advocate for taking time to recover after each kid! Moms know when they are ready!
Liann
April 26, 2011 at 1:55 am
The best advice I have heard/given is that there will never be a “perfect” time to have a baby, whether it’s your first, second or sixth! If you keep waiting for everything to be just so before going for it, you may end up waiting forever. In most cases, there will always be reasons to wait. In my case, there certainly are, but we know we want another and we want them to be close, so ready or not, we’ll be going for it (relatively) soon! I’m confident that whenever we do have another that we will make things work and whatever struggles will totally be worth it
daigoumee
April 26, 2011 at 4:13 am
My cousin recommended this blog and she was totally right keep up the fantastic work!
michellehorton
April 26, 2011 at 9:15 am
Plus, Liann, we make really good babies.
I swear every time I see Duncan I immediately want another baby! And I think Justin seeing Duncan wears him down too lol, he’ll come home saying, “Sooo, that Duncan…man, that’s one cute baby!”
Liann
April 26, 2011 at 1:29 pm
I was gonna say that!!! When we both make such cuties, how can we not do it again
Megan K
April 26, 2011 at 3:50 pm
Our first was a big surprise–we had been married just 4 months and I was 23 and in grad school. We decided to wait a bit before trying for #2 for the same reasons as you and your husband have–we wanted to be more financially secure, etc. But we were shocked when it didn’t happen the first, then second month of actively pursuing pregnancy. We thought that since it was sooo easy to get pregnant with our son without trying that it would be just as easy when we were acting like newlyweds again! It ended up taking 5 months (my OB said 6 months is “normal”). I had my yearly OB appointment scheduled during those months we were trying and I started crying talking to her about worrying over getting pregnant and spacing of our kids, even though I was only 26! I guess my point is that baby #2 might not fall into your lap as neatly as #1 did. So, maybe stay open to the idea? 9 months is a long time to plan and make a move, job change, etc. The great news is that I’m 37 weeks pregnant and our son is going to have a little brother! They will be 3 years 7 months apart, which is longer than I wanted, but still a good gap. I’m already planning for when we should start on #3! Is that crazy?!
michellehorton
April 26, 2011 at 5:53 pm
Thanks Megan, that is something to think about. Congratulations on your pregnancy! Everyone tells me the 3 to 4 year spacing is the best.
Daniell Toso
April 27, 2011 at 8:38 am
Great information! I’ve been looking for something like this for a while now. Thanks!
Cree Kuka-Sweet
April 27, 2011 at 11:43 am
Haha sounds great! As soon as my life becomes less deranged (or when I get used to baby derangement)
Miriam
April 27, 2011 at 6:42 pm
We definitely struggled with this one. Our daughter was a surprise pregnancy and we had only been married 8 months! So we decided to wait at least 2 years before we began trying. Then, we got used to just her and the thought of adding another was overwhelming. We did begin to try and it took us 3 months to conceive, and then we had a miscarriage. It took some time before I was ready again after that. Our daughters are 3 years apart and while that’s not what we had initially planned, I really like the space. You know what is right for your family…don’t feel pressured!
Kelly
April 27, 2011 at 9:24 pm
Dan and I have been having this discussion on and off now that the marriage thing is about set… He wants to wait until we have a house, are financially secure, all the responsible sounding things… I on the the other hand also feel the clock ticking and have “the itch” – as you know! It’s such a dilemma because I want to start a family soo bad but we aren’t “safe” yet in our jobs, we don’t yet have a house… “the plan is not perfect yet” but like your sister said, will it ever be? Is everything ever going to be just perfect? I don’t think so. I’m so ready to just trash the BC and say when it happens, it happens. Maybe after August.
michellehorton
April 27, 2011 at 11:29 pm
Kel, you’ve had the itch since Freshman year of college. Ha! Just be prepared that the “when it happens, it happens” approach usually means you get pregnant within a month. On the other hand, the “we’ve planned it all out and now we’re ready approach” can take you months to get pregnant. Because that’s how life works.
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May 4, 2011 at 12:02 am
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May 4, 2011 at 4:00 am
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May 4, 2011 at 4:42 pm
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May 5, 2011 at 11:20 am
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May 5, 2011 at 1:51 pm
Great information! I’ve been looking for something like this for a while now. Thanks!
Roya Kamrani
May 5, 2011 at 6:52 pm
We have also struggled with this decision but, we missed out on a lot of time for just “us” due to our unplanned pregnancy. (Totally worth it) So we think that since we started early we should finish early and get some time for us, while we are still full of energy in our early 40s.
But…each situation is different and it is important to make the best decision for YOUR family.
ftw online
May 6, 2011 at 4:58 am
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Kelly Brady
May 16, 2011 at 3:32 pm
Totally have to second this comment. We were so laid back the first time and I got pregnant in a month. We planned and planned for the perfect time for the next baby and it took over two years, without any explanation for the delay. So I say, don’t over-plan and just go with it.
So Michelle, this is me officially telling you I am pregnant. Figured there was no better place to tell you than your blog
Brenna
August 3, 2011 at 8:13 am
Heh. We have had this decision taken out of our hands, for the most part. My husband and I got married 5 years ago when I was 18 (we liked the pros for marrying young better than the pros for marrying older), learned three months later exactly why my grandpa calls my family “good breeding stock”. Almost 18 months later, we learned that even the most effective birth control has a 1% chance of error. Almost 18 months later (again), we learned that I am such good breeding stock that we will get pregnant regardless of how painfully careful I am.
Now, at 23, I have a 4 year old, a 2 year old, and a 4 month old; all born in April. (Our anniversary is also in April.) And we are trying to decide whether or not to use more permanent means of birth control. If we have another (our agreed max is 4, if we can help it), we really like the spacing we’ve been blessed with so far. It’s a bit hell-ish and chaotic at first, but well worth it even now. My difficulty is that right now I have my hands full with a baby so I absolutely don’t want to think of another baby at the moment. But I grew up with an odd number of siblings and someone was always left out; plus, I’d kind of like to say that we planned at least one of our children (not that we’d change anything).
So, I’m torn. :-/
Elizabeth
August 12, 2011 at 5:10 pm
I had my girl at 19. Before i had her, I was sure that when my first child was 4-6 years old, we would try for another. With her 6th birthday approaching we still have no desire to any more kids. I think it’s ok to stop at one just as it’s ok to have more. Every person and family is different, so what works for one family doesn’t always work for another.
Hazel
March 12, 2013 at 12:22 pm
I’m 22 years old and i had my surprise unplanned baby at 20 and it was hard even now shes turning 3 in August but shes still a baby to me shes throws tantrums and shes very jealous when i hold other babies even i play with other children her age she doesn’t like that at all and I’m busy building my career and planning to g back to university so i can get a god job if i had one i would definitely would have had a second when she was two and i constantly work hard to get there so i can start building a family i really love children and having a family
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