I got an email yesterday from a reader, Michelle, asking where she could find younger mom friends. She’s tried everything and everywhere, but simply doesn’t have anything in common with the older moms. (She’s 25 with a 3 year old and a 2 year old.)
I’m sure you can all relate. I know I can.
Of course this is circumstantial — some women just know more younger moms than others — but I’ve found the social aspect of young motherhood to be the most difficult. It’s the most uncomfortable, at least. I’ve had a few unintentionally rude comments and judgmental questions, as I’m sure you have too. But more than that, being a mom means you’re often forced into awkward social situations — whether you’re at the park, at a nursery school function, on a play date with your child’s best friend, etc. And the added age difference — sometimes 10, even 15 years — can make it that much harder to connect.
Does anyone have any tips for her? Are we putting too much emphasis on age? Is it our own insecurities that are holding us back from making mom friends? Has anyone found lasting friendships in an unexpected place?
38 Comments to Reader Question: Where Do You Find Younger Mom Friends?
Ashley
April 20, 2011 at 3:05 am
Just wanted to say I’m in the same boat. I had my daughter a couple of weeks before I turned 25…all of the moms in our local mothers groups are about 10 years older than me. I feel like they’re humoring me, like they don’t take me seriously at all. I have TWO freakin’ master’s degrees, I really am an adult, but all they see is my age. It sucks.
michellehorton
April 20, 2011 at 3:24 am
I know exactly what you mean, Ashley. I’m not sure there’s an easy solution besides acting confident and ignoring the judgement. It’s such an uncomfortable situation, though. Thanks for weighing in!
Veronica
April 20, 2011 at 12:41 pm
I am 29 and have a 2 year old and a 6 month old. I have about 2 friends that have kids. I have noticed that at things like music class and dance that the moms are much older. I feel like I get judged by my clothing and what my kids wear. We are shoppers and tend to splurge on things because we can and like to. I have noticed we get tons on stares. I also feel like wreck in compared to these older moms. I tend to arrive to all classes 5 min late.
michellehorton
April 20, 2011 at 12:46 pm
I say, never feel guilty for having style! I’m wondering if we might be misconstruing judgement for curiosity. I always feel like people are searching my face for an indication of just how old I am.
Shannon
April 20, 2011 at 3:09 pm
A couple of thougths from an youngmama 11 years in:
1. It takes time, but eventually, I promise, you will find other moms at your child’s play group or school that you can relate to. It may be the occasional earlymama like yourself. But there are also older moms out there who are ‘young at heart’ that you can relate to. Your age is a difference, but once you get past the ‘yeah, I’m young’ thing, you also share the common interest of your children. I particularly found this to be true once my daughter started school.
2. I think a LOT of this depends on your perspective. When I was 20, I thought 30 seemed so much older than me. Now that I’m 30, I honestly don’t feel THAT much older than the 20-somethings. I think the age difference feels larger looking forward than it does looking back…
Shannon
April 20, 2011 at 3:10 pm
If I’m staring at your kids style, it’s probably because I’m jealous of your ability to get your child to wear shoes and a clean shirt. I always struggled with that one…
michellehorton
April 20, 2011 at 3:12 pm
THANK YOU, Shannon. That’s exactly the kind of perspective I was hoping someone would give.
Monica
April 20, 2011 at 4:55 pm
I have become very good friends with a woman 10 years older than me. Her youngest is the same age as my oldest. Though we have our differences, we share the same common priorities, our children. I would rather be friends with someone older who is going through the same things as me, then someone the same age who cannot relate. I desperatly wanted young mama friends when my first was born, but now I see what a great friend someone 10 years older can be.
michellehorton
April 20, 2011 at 5:19 pm
Encouraging advice, Monica! We should all be a little more open-minded.
Jenna
April 20, 2011 at 7:32 pm
I can say i don’t know what answer, but i do know how you feel! I am going to be 26 this year & i have a 3 year old and 1 year old.
moms who are older then me , i feel like are looking at me like why would you do that, or you don’t know because your young, i have even been called a “Teen Mom” even though i was married & had 2 PLANNED pregnancies, not that there is anything wrong with unwed or “unexpected” pregnancy, it was the tone, like “that poor teen mom”
so anyway so sorry your feeling this way, but you are not alone!
michellehorton
April 20, 2011 at 7:42 pm
I’ve gotten the Teen Mom comments too, Jenna, even at 24.
Jessica K
April 21, 2011 at 1:43 am
I find it discouraging to try and find friends as well… to a degree. All of my “old” friends don’t understand my current situation, (having a baby and going back for another degree) or the changes I have had to make in my life. It also makes it hard because I have no family around to sit for me, and so it makes it hard for us to go out as a couple as well. Yes, I long for a moment with out my Tucker, but that doesn’t make me a bad mother by ANY means. I think it is only natural. My life has changed, and I have too as well to a degree, but it is discouraging when you try to keep in touch with others from my experiences. Specifically with people from my past, (that I used to and do still care for). What hurts the most is that they can’t seem to make time for you or bother to keep in touch with you. I find it’s sometimes hard not to get my heart broken by this, but on a positive note it brings me closer to my family and the few people who do still make time for me (and understand the changes in my life – even if they haven’t been in the same situation). I am OK with the things I have had to give up and the sacrifices I’ve had to make. I thought those would be the hardest in the beginning. I am ok with no more late night outings, drinking til I’m wasted, or even moments to myself because of what I have gained. The difficult part for me; is sometimes yes the looks I get for being young (having Tucker at 24) – and WHEW! The dirty looks I’d get walking across campus 8 months pregnant sometimes hurt and shocked me (going back married and for a second bachelor’s but people don’t care – they just judge sometimes – EVEN PROFESSORS!); but mainly it’s the loss of old friends, and then the lack of new friends to replace those gaps and voids. The fact that there seems to be no one new to share experiences with (either good or bad); and help subside the heart ache of losing the long time friends – the ones I used to share everything with. I think that those are some of the toughest moments for me; aside from thinking the hardest thing I’d ever have to go through, would be a life without ever having had my son. So no matter how tough it gets, or how heartbroken I am some days, I look at the tiniest, most beautiful, perfect face I have ever seen and am just thankful for what I have. Then of course I kiss, hug and snuggle him just to make myself feel a little bit better.
michellehorton
April 21, 2011 at 1:57 am
Jess: I already told you how much I love this comment, but I’ll say it again! The “loss of friends” issue is a discussion I want to bring up again here on the site, and I actually have a guest blogger who might be working on something soon (although she’s about to go into labor, so that takes priority!). Having a baby makes you realize who your real friends are. I had friends who I never expected to stick by my side, but did, and then I had close friends who quickly drifted away. Hopefully connecting with other young moms here can help fill a piece of that void!
alejandra
April 22, 2011 at 5:54 pm
I know how you feel I had my first 2 boys at 26 and 28, but people thought I was much younger so I had a few times where people wondered if they had been planned and a few people made me feel uncomfortable. I lost touch with a few friends since my priorities had changed and theirs had not, but that’s life. But for the most part once I got to know people and If I showed interest in what they had to share and maybe teach me (from being older) it seems that friendships developed.
My oldest now is 8 and I’m friends with some of the parents in his class, some even as old as my parents!
Hang in there and be yourself, you’ll find that friendships will develop and the age difference will matter little.
BTW I just found your blog and I love it!
Alejandrakearl.blogspot.com
michellehorton
April 22, 2011 at 6:24 pm
Thank you so much Alejandra! (Your blog is beautiful too, by the way. I’m a sucker for design blogs!)
MC
April 22, 2011 at 8:26 pm
All these comments seem to suggest that you can’t/won’t find other young mom friends. First-time pregnant at 26, I find this very discouraging!
Heather
April 22, 2011 at 8:38 pm
This is by far my biggest struggle as a young mom—finding other mom friends, especially mom friends my age. I was among the first of my friends (and graduating class) to get married (I was 21) and I had my first baby three years later at 24. I got lots of looks and stares while I was pregnant, especially when I had to stop wearing my wedding ring (THANK YOU WATER RETENTION!). I was self-concious and I felt very alone. I didn’t know a single other person, my age or older, who was pregnant while I was pregnant. After my daughter was born, I joined a BUNCH of mommy-and-me classes hoping to meet another mom (regardless of age) who had a kid around the same age as mine so we could share our experiences. It took a solid year and a half before I finally met a woman who was interested in being my mommy friend—and she’s 6 years older than me! The age difference really doesn’t factor into our relationship much, because our lives, at this moment in time, are so similar. She is a GOD-SEND! Our first borns are two days apart and we’re both currently pregnant with our second babies—to be born less than 2 months apart.
I wanted to share my experience because sometimes it just takes time to make the right friend(s)—the ones who stick around and the ones that really care about you.
michellehorton
April 22, 2011 at 9:31 pm
MC: I think it’s very much circumstantial, and it’s not just limited to age. One of the biggest struggles for moms is to find other mom friends that they connect with other than just their kids – whether you’re 26, 36 or 46. But what I’m taking from the comments is that just because the other moms in your area might not be “young,” you can still find friendships with moms who are 5, 10, 15 years older than you. You have to be open-minded and make an effort, despite how uncomfortable you might feel. (ALL moms feel uncomfortable searching for other mom friends.) Two of my close friends recently had children at 24 and 25, so I’m lucky to have them to connect with. But hopefully you can find insight and friendships here, MC! I really don’t want people to feel discouraged because there are so many wonderful aspects to young motherhood, which I plan to feature more of. But getting the dialogue going on what might be more difficult aspects can hopefully encourage tips and advice from other young moms. My advice? Don’t sweat it now. Your future baby will eventually open up doors to new mom friendships, it just might take a little time. Good luck with your pregnancy and I hope you stop back again and find encouragement!
michellehorton
April 22, 2011 at 9:34 pm
Thank you, Heather! That’s wonderfully encouraging advice.
amee
April 22, 2011 at 11:40 pm
I can’t tell you how relieved to see this post I am!! I thought maybe I was just being close minded or something. Shortly after getting married (I was 20) we moved across the country. Just as shortly after moving we found out we were expecting our first. So I was 21, newly married and in a different state (sometimes feeling like a different country, as I grew up in California and moved to Georgia). So its been a struggle to make connections. Most of my mom friends are at the least 5 years older with most being closer to 10. I would still love to meet another mom my age who I could better relate, but I still have yet find one, it seems even harder now as I have a 4 year old and a 6 month old. However finding this site is awesome and gives me hope!
Claire
April 23, 2011 at 2:02 am
I got married when I was 21 and had my first at 23. I’ve gotten some of those “you’re how old?” looks, as well as being asked if I’m the nanny, and with my first it bothered me a little. Now that my third is almost a year, I mostly shrug that kind of judgement off. And I found that the age-difference problem was (for the most part) in my own head. I don’t think age comes up that often with friends of mine who are also moms. At a certain point it becomes more about your place in life than the number of years you’ve been on the planet, you know?
michellehorton
April 23, 2011 at 2:04 am
I totally agree. And I think that all of these comments has proved that it’s mostly our own insecurities and hang-ups about being judged than how the other moms actually feel. Don’t get me wrong – there are some rude women out there – but for the most part, there is friendship to be found at any age. Thanks for weighing in, Claire!
Claire
April 23, 2011 at 2:12 am
There definitely are rude people, but if they judge me for being “too young” I figure I wouldn’t want to be friends with them anyway, right? ha
Julia
April 23, 2011 at 2:37 am
Hi! I stumbled on your blog from design mom. Anyway, I had my son at 24 and my daughter at 26 (I’m 28 now) My husband is 5 years older so I feel pretty comfortable with “older” people. I’ve found the people most close in age to me with young kids go to my church. I’ve made some good friends that way.
Kimberly
April 23, 2011 at 2:45 am
I really respect Shannon’s comment that “When I was 20, I thought 30 seemed so much older than me. Now that I’m 30, I honestly don’t feel THAT much older than the 20-somethings.”
When you’re younger (for me, pre-25), it seemed that people in their late 20s on up were a bit older, but I always found commonalities in music, movies, art, etc. However, now that I’m 29, I resent comments from younger people that those of us who are not 23 anymore are “old,” or unrelatable. There is so much more than age. I think attitude *both ways* is worth considering. Thanks for sharing that Shannon!
janee
April 23, 2011 at 7:49 am
i had my first @26 after being married for 4 years. I feel the same way (people thinking i’m younger, babysitter/nanny, awkwardness, stares, do i have to dress all old bc all the other moms in la are…like 40? (no they’re not, but it sure seems like it sometimes). I’ve tried meetup.com but it’s still pretty awk…even when meeting moms that are in the younger age range. but i’m keeping hope out…
michellehorton
April 23, 2011 at 10:59 am
Thanks for stopping by, Julia! I hope you continue to check back. I have exciting features in the works.
michellehorton
April 23, 2011 at 11:02 am
Hi Kimberly. I have plenty of friends who are around 29 – 32 (my husband is 27), but I think it’s more the late 30s/early 40s where it becomes a little more difficult to initially connect. On the other hand, my neighbor just had her first baby at 40 and we hang out all the time. It depends on the person. She’s never made me feel young or immature – she comes to me often for advice. I totally agree that it’s attitude both ways, which is why I think younger moms might be feeling a little too insecure to open up for new friends, no matter the age. Thanks for weighing in!
michellehorton
April 23, 2011 at 11:07 am
Hi Janee! In my experience (and in a lot of the readers’ comments), don’t close yourself off to those “older” moms. You might be able to find lasting friendships. My closest mom friends are 28, 32, even 40. If you find the right person — a person who is young at heart, who isn’t judgmental, who is just an overall cool person — you’ll find you have a lot in common. It’s awkward all around when trying to find mom friends, regardless of age.
Samantha
April 23, 2011 at 2:23 pm
reading everyone’s comments have been very interesting. I’m 30 with 5 kids (i started at 19) and have one friend. She is older than me (our oldest are best friends) but it doesn’t matter. I would like to make more friends that we could hang out with but it is more of a time thing. I always considered myself young at 30 but now you all are making me feel old! lol
michellehorton
April 23, 2011 at 3:03 pm
Samantha: Being 30 with 5 kids definitely makes you a young mom!! You understand what 21, 22, 23 year old moms are going through because you were there. I’ve talked to 40-something moms who started when they were in their early 20s, and they say that once you’re a young mom, you’re always a young mom!
mattie
April 23, 2011 at 3:16 pm
just found this site from design mom as well. i’m excited to keep reading!
i agree that we can’t keep ourselves closed off because we think another mom might be too old to be our friend. i recently moved from a neighborhood where most of the moms were in their mid-thirties and had one or two kids. one mom did ask me once if my baby was a mistake, which was really awkward (i’m 24 with a 2-year-old). but eventually, i found a lot in common with another mom who is almost ten years older than me. i also became good friends with an older woman in her sixties. i have some friends who are around my age, but i don’t think age really matters. we all take our own paths and shouldn’t be judgmental of someone just because they’re a little older or a little younger than the “norm” for a mom.
anyway, i think a great way to meet young moms is to get out of the house and go places you think other young moms would take their kids. especially as it gets warmer. parks are a cheap, good way to meet people!
michellehorton
April 23, 2011 at 5:18 pm
Thanks for your input, Mattie! I hope you keep checking back!
Miggy
April 24, 2011 at 7:15 pm
Hey came over from Design Mom…and first I want to say what an awesome site and a great resource for moms. Good job Michelle.
Now, here are my 2 cents:
So I’m 34 and have 2 kids–4 years and 9 months. And in MY world I’m OLD. Ancient. Practically on my death bed as far as mothering goes. Especially for only being on kid number 2. So what’s the deal you ask? I’m Mormon. Now this is certainly not the case for everyone (like myself–duh) but many, many Mormon women start having their children very young intentionally. In fact I have found myself in the opposite position of trying to find ‘older’ new moms that I can relate to. So my point is this 1) It’s never occurred to look at young moms as stupid, uneducated, clueless, etc. In my culture this is all very normal, yes even outside of Utah. I had my first baby in New York City and we currently live in Cincinnati. 2) A good way to find young moms is to call a local Mormon church and ask about their women’s organization and if they have a weekly play group that meets. In New York City there was a good group of us in the neighborhood who hung out quite regularly and I remember 2 of our non-Mormon friends talking and one said to the other, “Man it’s a good thing for all the Mormon moms or I wouldn’t have any friends.” “Amen.” said the other. Obviously I can’t speak for every Mormon mom out there, but I think most of us are open-minded, fun, and would definitely love to expand our circle of mom friends.
Also–just to echo some of the other comments, I too don’t really see the age lines as much now that I’m in m mid-30′s. I am older than every single mom friend I hang out with regularly here in Cincinnati and it doesn’t seem to be an issue at all.
Alecia
April 24, 2011 at 9:11 pm
Another design mom fan… I didn’t become a mom until I was 30. BUT we adopted three kids thru DSHS that were 8, 7 and 5 at the time. I was 21 when my oldest was born to another mama. So I have been the young mom for years. Now they are 18, 17 and 15 and I ended up having two bio kids at age 35 and 37. So now I’m the old mom.
AND I actually looked deeper into your site, because my oldest is now married and is about to have my first grandbaby!! I say all of this to add my perspective. I have many mom friends and many of them are 10+ years younger than me. I love them and consider them a huge blessing. It is fun to share the things I have learned with my older kids, but I also find their oppinions and energy invaluable. I am challenged to be active with this set of kids and it keeps me young. But I also have the wisdom to let a lot of unimportant stuff go and enjoy my kids–and i get to share that with the younger mamas who are struggling to do it all. I have long since realized I cannot do it all. I say, it’s not so much about age as respect. I hope you all find some mama friends to share this journey with. Thanks for a great blog…I’ve already sent the link to my daughter.
michellehorton
April 25, 2011 at 2:02 am
That’s so interesting, Miggy. Such a different perspective. Thanks for your advice!
michellehorton
April 25, 2011 at 2:04 am
Thanks so much, Alecia! (And it’s nice to see so many Design Mom fans here!) You have such a unique story — just the kind I was hoping to see more of! Thank you for your encouraging advice!
Jessica
October 5, 2011 at 3:45 am
Wow.. I am exactly the same! I had my son at 20 and joined a mothers group. Almost all of them were in their 30′s bare one and I think even though I am extremely mature for my age, they found it hard to relate to me (and I do think my age was the main factor). Not one of my friends have children and I while I love them to death.. it’d be nice to have other mummy friends where we can go and have a coffee and our kids can run and play and we have a mutual understanding that children are unpredictable and one minute will be happy the next crying blue murder for seemingly no reason at all.