04.19.10
One of my biggest goals when I was pregnant, and then when I was managing life as a working mother to an itty bitty infant, was maintaining my (crazy abundant) milk supply for a full year. I took a breastfeeding class, had regular phone convos with my lactation consultant, and pumped more often than he latched on — even (gasp!) pumping while drivingon the rare oh-crap-I-don’t-have-enough-milk-stored-and-I’m-late-for-work occasion. It wasn’t fun and it wasn’t always easy, but I did it. I survived the pumping-every-two-hour beginnings (thanks to my super understanding job.) I survived lugging that pump everywhere I went, including jobs in New York City where I had to sneak into public bathrooms and even got caught boob-in-suction a couple of times. I survived the freezing and thawing, the4 am pumping sessions when he started sleeping through the night, the engorgement when I missed a scheduled pump time.
A year came and went, whizzing by like a missed train. Oh shit, was that it?
I started to panic. The celebrated time where I could have my body back, buy bras that weren’t stretched or stained, dye my hair, drink more alcohol than I should — it was here. Finally. But instead of relief and excitement, I felt myself clinging to every day that neared the 12-month mark. Every day that my baby was still an infant, not a toddler. An infant that needed nourishment from my body, and for which I was happy to oblige. I wasn’t ready to stop. I couldn’t.
He didn’t need it from me, but I needed it from him — the closeness, the infancy.
And then as soon as I made the decision to continue for a few more months (only once in the morning, once at night I told myself), he went into crazy gimme-gimme mode. Tearing at my shirt, whining and crying, and then throwing himself on the floor when he didn’t get his milk. I tried to substitute with bottles — didn’t always work. I tried to distract him with toys — nice try, his eyes would say mockingly. And just like that, I wanted it to be over.
But it’s not.
Not even close.
Nearing the 15-month mark…
I do have my life and my body back to a degree, considering I’m only feeding him a couple of times a day. But now I’m entering this iffy zone where it’s starting to get weird. He’s a fully walking, mouth-full-of-teeth toddler who still crawls into his mom’s lap and latches on for milk. If I don’t stop it now, when will I? When he’s two? When he gets enrolled in preschool? Kindergarten?
What started as his need turned into my need, which turned into his want and my convenience. Now when I give in to an extra feeding, I feel defeated. I can’t imagine mustering through the tantrums and cranky moods, putting him to bed without the sleep-inducing nursing, or losing that sure-fire comfort option when he’s sick or teething or needy.
But more than that, I can’t imagine passing that stage and losing a piece of my baby.
But at the same time, I’m ready.
Or am I?
At this point I’m just waiting for my breaking point, where I put my foot down and that’s that. And until that time, think what you’ll think about the “weirdness” and “ickiness” of breastfeeding a toddler. One day it will stop…I hope.
5 Comments to The End of Breastfeeding?
Laura
September 6, 2010 at 12:04 am
Hi, I just found you on Babble. I am breastfeeding a 13 month old and can tell its getting to the whining and crying stage. I don't know what to do!
Michelle Horton
September 10, 2010 at 4:51 pm
Hi Laura!
Ok so I've been so busy with Babble that I haven't had a chance to continuously update here BUT I want you to know what happened after I wrote this:
First it got worse. I'm talking full on tantrums when he couldn't nurse, which made me feel like I would never have the will-power to fully quit. I just couldn't take something away from him that made him so happy — especially when it's actually quite healthy for him! I kept thinking about how many organizations are now recommending breastfeeding for 2 YEARS, so I felt that maybe, just maybe, it was okay if I kept giving in. But at the same time…I was ready to stop.
18 months came and Noah just stopped asking as much. I remember one Tuesday realizing that I hadn't nursed him since Sunday morning, so I decided that this was it. No turning back. He did ask a few times (he would pat my chest and nod his head "yes" — so cute!) but I just distracted him. Miraculously, he didn't seem to mind. The distractions went on for about a week, once or twice a day, and then just stopped. He hasn't asked for it since.
I'm so happy that I waited for the right time to stop rather than ripping it away from him when he wanted it the most. I honestly thought that it would never happen for me, but maybe different children are ready at different times. And I'm also happy to report that it not only resulted in less tantrums, but I didn't get painfully engorged at all. My baby and my body were both ready to give it up…although I'm not sure my heart ever wanted to let go.
Good luck, Laura! Let me know how it goes!
Rona Netley
May 6, 2011 at 7:08 pm
Valuable info. Lucky me I found your site by accident, I bookmarked it.
Shannon
June 15, 2011 at 4:55 pm
i just found your website and was reading your past entries….my daughter is 7 months old and we’re still breastfeeding and plan to until she’s ready to stop. i recently have beem researching weaning and stuff so i know what to expect. unfortunatly not many people in my life are supportive, before me the longest any woman in my family breastfed was like 4 months. I plan on breastfeeding my daughter atleast until she’s 1 hopefully longer….you have gave me hope that i can last that long lol. i’ve never heard a woman say that she nursed her child for to long, only that they wished they would have nursed longer
Amara
August 17, 2011 at 4:10 am
I come from a long line of breastfeeders! I was breastfed until I was 2, my brother and sister both intil they were 4. My brother stopped on his own and my sister had to be forced and actually still asked for it once or twice a year until she turned 7! I weaned my daughter when she turned 3. I was pregnant with my son and didnt want to tandem nurse so all summer and winter leading up to her 3rd birthday we talked about how her nursy-milk would run out when she turned 3. She nursed the night of her birthday and then never again! She asked for it a few times over the next couple days but I reminded her that her milk was all gone and she was fine with that. My son is 18 months and nursing strong. I never felt a “ickiness” with her talking and still nursing. Breastmilk is really good for young children and it continues the close relationship between mother and child. Now we didnt nurse out in public as much the older she got and it was something that we would talk about and I honestly think that it help teach her impulse control and patience. Now breastfeeding is a commitment and its not for everyone, but I dont think that you should stop or not do it just because of peer pressure. Figure out what works for your family and do it!
ps- I would be intereseted on an article about attachment parenting and the family bed (both of which I do!)