I refuse to use the word “unplanned,” because it inherently whispers “unwanted.” Along with irresponsible, reckless, stupid.
We did plan to have Noah.
We desperately wanted Noah.
Just…not yet.
So Noah is our SURPRISE! baby. Only it didn’t quite feel like the balloon-throwing, cake-eating, Aw-you-shouldn’t-have surprise. It was more of the ohmygod-this-can’t-be-happening, not-yet-not-now surprise. It was the kind of surprise that took nine months to brew, to sink in, not hitting me until the very end.
There’s a real disconnect when you have a SURPRISE! pregnancy. After all, this unidentified human set up shop IN YOUR BODY completely uninvited. Your stomach is overtaken, morphing and stretching before your eyes, and you didn’t sign up for it. Before I started showing, the entire thing felt like a sham. I would tell people how far along I was, how I was feeling, and a part of me felt like it was all a lie. Even at my baby shower, with a basketball-sized belly stretching out my non-maternity shirt (talk about denial) I remember thinking Do I have to give back all of these presents when I don’t have the baby? The prospects of losing the baby, or passing the world’s largest bowel movement, were more feasible than actually having him.
Don’t get me wrong — I felt the life inside of me move, traced where his butt bumped against my upper stomach, felt his kicks jab at my sides. I held my stomach while he hiccuped, as if to soothe his discomfort. I talked to him in the car, just the two of us. And I loved whatever it was squirming inside of me. Logically, I knew I was having a baby. But in all honesty, one of my first thoughts when I saw him come out was, Huh, would you look at that. There really was a baby in there.
And I think whether planned or not, how can someone fully grasp the enormity of what’s happening in their body? But the lack of preparedness and the sudden, shocking changes make the SURPRISE! pregnancy that much more surreal.
So to all of you surprised mamas-to-be: Breathe. You might have so many thoughts running through your mind that you can’t even concentrate on these words. You might feel numb, wondering why you can’t feel a shred of emotion. You might be in denial, as I was. You might be angry, in mourning, grieving for your dreams and freedom. You’re most definitely scared — petrified — of everything ahead of you. And that’s all ok. It’s all normal.
I wish I knew that things were going to fall into place. That all of the stress wasn’t worth it. Because while I was focused on how my life would change, I didn’t know that the biggest SURPRISE! would be that the life I knew, that I was desperately clinging to, wouldn’t matter to me. I would have new values, new emotions, new priorities — and I would become exactly who I was always meant to be.
My situation was so fantastically similar; and its fantastic to know someone else out there was in the same shoes as me
I know exactly what you mean, every word of it! I even preferred to use the word surprise a well 
)
So similar to my story. I read your about section and I’m glad someone has thought of making a community such as this. I now am a bit older but when I started I was in my earlier twenties. I just turned 30 and for a number I was once so frightened of I started to welcome it. Well, rather threw myself into it like a pool on a hot summer day. I never felt like I was “taken seriously” as such a young mother. As if I wasn’t doing the same things a mid-thirties mother was doing? I must say, at times it is still a bit tough. My first child is in Kindergarten this year and I’m definitely still the youngest mom. It is quite a journey through the jungle of PTA when this is just your first kid in school and not your last coming up through the ranks. So, after such a laborious monologue-thanks for what you are doing for all the young mothers out there looking for someone else ready to learn and grow on this journey without breaking out the mom jeans and jumpers.
I completely understand what you went through. I was 18 when I had my first DD. Abandoned by her father, I leaned onto my parents. I later met my now husband and after 2 years of dating and 1 year of marriage, we had our 2nd DD. The dynamics behind both pregnancies and births was totally different. I am sad that my first didn’t have that. But I’m glad for both of them. They are everything and without one I couldn’t have the other.
Wow! I’m so glad I found your blog (via Babble). I was 24 when I got pregnant with my 1st son and it was a total SURPRISE. I felt similar to how you felt at first, totally betrayed by my body….how could it CREATE A HUMAN without my knowledge?! Definitely the first of my friends to have a kid and my parents were scandalized because I wasn’t married at conception (what will their friends think?).
I couldn’t thank you more for this story, as well as your website. I’m currently 7 months along with my first child and am 20 years old. I’ve felt completely alone in the unique struggles I’m facing as a young soon to be mom, until now. Thank you.
Thank you so much for this post!
I literally cried at the end of it, but maybe it’s all because i’m 27 weeks pregnant now^)
And i still feel surreal, i still think about what will i say to all the people around me and what will i do if IT will not happen. Great to know that’s a normal reaction and i’m not a crazy person and awful mother.
Hi!
I just wanted to thank you for creating this site! I had my two ADORABLE little girls when I was 20 and 21. We’ve taken a little break now (I’m almost 25). My husband and I actually grew up in a small town where MOST people get married young and have children in their early twenties. Now we live in a big city where the other end of the spectrum is the norm. Most of our friends are 5 years older than us!
We don’t broadcast our ages, but we don’t hide it either.
I love you can-do attitude on this site as well. I can’t stand the idea that you need to pick between your dreams or your family. Having children does not mean you give up your ambitions! I’m working on my masters, and my husband has his dream jobs as an outside sales rep! Having kids just puts you everything your heart desires in perspective! It’s all still in there…just balanced. There is a season for everything! (My mama had her first at 24, then had seven more! She stayed home to raise us, and now that we are grown has risen to the tippity top of her career field! There is a season for everything, and if you view life that way – you can avoid some serious regrets!)
Also, kudos for the positive way you present ALL types of situations!
I just think you’re awesome!
Sarah XO
Thanks so much Sarah for your sweet note!! And good for you!
[...] it wasn’t that I didn’t want a baby — I just didn’t want one yet. I’ve written about how disconnected I felt, and how dark my thoughts were. But I was in a committed relationship where all signs [...]